Spider-Man
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“Hang on a minute. That's bollocks isn't it? Does he eat flies: No. Does he get eaten by his female mate after having sex : No. I don't think they've thought it through, have they...”
Spider-Man is a man, but also a bit spider. He has several human features, like his entire body, and some spider features such as the ability to spin a web any size, his legs are hairy and he has what appears to be an egg-sac hanging between his legs.
Before being bitten by a radioactive Camel Spider Peter Porker was just an ordinary nerd. Girls despised him and his best friend, Flash Gordon, used to bully him for fun. However, due to an unfortunate, and entirely understandable circumstance, Peter was bitten by one of the radioactive spiders kept in every high school in America, turning him into Spiderman, and once bitten, twice the guy. Porker became much stronger, webbier and even nerdier. He could, however, beat up Flash in revenge for all those wedgies, bags of ice down the pants and forced oral.
Despite being a brilliant young scientist, Porker was just about unemployable and set out on a scam to get rich. He decided to use his power for personal gain. Originally his plan was to just break into banks and steal the cash, but on his way to the Citizens Home Loan Bank, dressed in a home-made spider suit as a disguise, he bumped into a man who, like Peter, was half-man, half not; Worm-man. Worm-man was trying to rob the bank too and Parker devised the ridiculously simple plan of robbing Worm-Man after he had already robbed the bank. All went according to plan, until Spider-Man had the Worm trussed in a web (which he easily slimed out of) and the cash in hand, and the Police turned up. Spider-Man was forced to hand over the cash and was hailed as a hero. He pocketed a nice reward and had his photograph taken with the cash, the worm-slime Worm-Man had left behind and the cops. Little did he realise that the photo was worth big bucks, however he was able to sell it to the incredibly realistic Editor of the Daily Bogle, Jonah J. James J. John-Thomas Jameson, for a few hundred dollars. Not bad for the class dork.
Like a flash of lightning, inspiration hit Spidey, and he devised a career of luring costumed villains into crimes where he, Spider-Man, could betray and capture them, pocketing both the reward and any money he could make on the publicity stills. It was at this point that he was offered a screen role based loosely upon his life in a movie called 'Spider-Man'
Thus he acquired a hyphen and the legend of Spider-Man was born.
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[edit] Super Powers:
According to legend Spiderman, Spiderman does whatever a spider can. This includes climbing walls, spinning webs, eating flies, sensing attack by mad, testicled scientists from behind and tolerating being squinched by giant fists. He has the proportional strength of a spider. Apparently this makes him very strong, but it's obviously one of the harder spiders he has the proportional strength of because most spiders are a bit flimsy. Spiderman is not very good at getting out of the bath, however.
[edit] Super-enemies
Spiderman made many enemies among the super/technologically augmented villains of the world. Mainly due to the fact that they weren't villains until Spidey conned them into robbing a bank with him sohe could bust them for the reward.
Doctor Octopus - Not strictly super, but definitely quite villainous. Doc Oc, as his squidly friends call him, had really bad eyesight requiring hideous spectacles, a really stupid hair-cut making him look like a moron, and 8 testicles, hence the name. The testicles were mechanical in nature, designed and built by Doctor Octopus himself, a brilliant scientist, and powered by 2 AAA batteries enabling the good doctor to grab spidey with two of them while the other six swung into his face.
The Green Goblin - GG was actually a chap named Norman Osbourne (No relation to the equally weird Ozzy Osbourne). Osbourne was Halloween fixated, probably as a result of some childhood fright, and drank enough vodka n' Irn Bru to give him super strength and regenerative abilities. Being another brilliant scientist Norman built himself the "Gobbling Glider", which didn't gobble and didn't glide. The Gobbling Glider was a wayward machine shaped like a bat, but jet powered and it raised The Green Goblin to unheard of jet propelled fun, including killing Spidey's current main squeeze, Gwen Stacey. In revenge Spidey engineered an 'accident' for Gobbo that let to him being impaled upon his own gobbler.
Sandman - Sandman's power derived from being made of sand. Sadly, when it rained he became made of mud, and when it didn't, a stiff broom was usually all it took to see him off.
Venom - Venom was another augmented human. Eddie Brock, a journalist, hated Spiderman and formed a symbiotic relationship with an alien in order to try to 'squish the bug'. The problem with symbiotic relationships is that they are not always equally beneficial to both parties, so when the symbiote goes out partying until dawn it is Eddie Brock who awakens with a hangover and STDs. For some reason Brock blames Spiderman for that and has beaten crap out of him more times than he has had hot lumps in his spandex. Venom also gave forth Carnage, another, really bad-tempered symbiote-host creature.
Aunt May - Aunt May was Peter's aunt who, with her husband Ben, raised him from a child. Peter was responsible for Ben's death at the hands of either the Sandman or someone else, who can tell? In her fury May ostracised Peter and thus Spiderman. Peter fled, but returned to kill Aunt May, who nevertheless grew back, just like before. She remains, a zombie, casting her frail shadow over Spiderman's whole life.
The Vulture - scrawny, wattle-necked, dick-nosed, scrotum-faced Adrian Toomes has a flight pack in the shape of a pair of wings. However instead of dubbing himself "The Angel" as a normal person would, Toomes settled upon the inviting appellation of "The Vulture". The vulture's powers include flight, super strength and resilience, inelastic skin and male-pattern baldness. He eats carrion and can smell a good carrion bar from many feet away. Toomes was a founder member of the Salacious Six and regularly exposes himself while flying over Manhattan. Apparently Toomes is also a zombie, like Jesus and Lazarus and Aunt May.
[edit] Spiderman's women
Spider-Man couldn't bag a chicken in his early years, however, following the spider bite incident he bulked up (but only with his spider suit on) and became a little less weedy. Add to that the money he was bringing in and he became a more attractive proposition to girls and eventually began dating a few of them, and marrying one: Mary Jane Watson, who refers to him as "Tiger", as she is not very zoologically aware. Mary Jane, (MJ) was a bit of a slut, but hotter than the bonnet of a black Mercedes in Dubai. Eventually Peter killed her, fathered a baby on her and killed that, divorced her, forgot her, lived with her and their daughter in a motel in Las Vegas and then split up with her again. As one does.
Before Mary Jane Peter had dated the ill-fated Gwen Stacey, daughter of the shepherd from the movie Babe. Gwen was blonde, but still trimmed her pubic hair, unappealingly, into the shape of a spider web. Peter met Gwen at work (at the Daily Bogle, not swinging across the city looking for super heroes to manipulate into becoming super villains) and was soon happily poking away at her until the Green Goblin tossed her off a bridge, leaving Spiderman free to date MJ or the Black Pussy.
The Black Pussy was the super-ish anti-hero persona of Fellatia Hardly. She and Spiderman had a fling on a swing and considered setting up house together, but the obstacles were insuperable. Cats eat spiders, which can be nice, or fatal. The real problem they faced was what would their children look like? hairy with 8 legs and 9 lives. Peter is the Nerdiest nerd in the geeky geek-nerd nerdy alliance in the geeky name of nerdiness.
[edit] Spiderman's Angst
Despite being a brilliant young scientist Parker never graduated beyond taking photos of himself for money, and this may have contributed to the misery he was prey to, his long depressions and his emo phases.
Parker was also a bit of a failure with women. His relationship with MJ was characterised by plenty of nooky, but also several deaths, misunderstandings and arguments. His brutal attempts at anal intercourse caused MJ to quote the immortal line "Ow, Tiger. You just just hit the jacksie pot".
Causing the death of Gwen Stacey by annoying the Green Gobbling was all Spidey's fault, and he knew it and agonised over it for weeks.
In addition to Spidey's own cock-ups, the press was antipathetic to the arachnoid avenger, with headlines like "Spidey could do better", and "It wasn't Spidey's fault that terrorists blew up the World Trade Center". Faced with barrage of criticsm form within and without Spiderman sank into depression. He grew his hair long so it covered one eye, and used to listen to Nine Inch Nails.
The public had always warmed to Spiderman's self-deprecating banter, and the new emo wall-crawler was not to their taste. Whereas the old Spiderman had greeted the Vulture crouched over his carrion meal with a cheery quip "Hey, look, it's a lunching vulture (Luncheon voucher, geddit?)" the new version would just sigh and walk away, muttering "I got my head, but my head is unraveling, Can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling, I got my heart but my heart is no good, And you're the only one that's understood, I come along but I don't know where you're taking me, I shouldn't go, but you're wrenching, dragging, shaking me, Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky, The more I give to you, the more I die" (Copyright Nine-Inch Nails/Trent Reznor)
Spider-Man's beloved aunt May then gets accidentally shot, but he says this is his fault because he thought telling all of his worst enemies and the world that he was really Peter Parker would be a brilliant move. This lead to an error of an evil bully Spider-Man. Shortly after, Mephisto, who is just sort of Marvel Comic's version of Satan, told him to "give me all of your lovin'" (Led Zeppelin), since Mary Jane and him were so great together. Spider-Man said "let me think about this for ONE MORE DAY", and had visions of a little girl. At the end of the time, Spider-Man said okay, take my memories of my love, and Mary Jane says okay too, but I want to whisper something. They did, and when Mephisto said okay, I'll erase reality to what I want it where you never really married Mary Jane but you lived with her (same difference, sorta), and hahahahha! I'm the devil and this lil ghost girl is your daughter!
Peter cried angsty tears again, but when he woke up, he was in a world where his best friend was alive and probably not crazy (Harry Osborn), and he bummed off his aunt May again, and life was great because he could make jokes, make stupid enemies that were awful, and someone could maybe or maybe not be Mary Jane as a superhero.
Moral: Marvel says it is okay to make deals with the devil, because that is cooler than killing off Mary Jane or seperating them because of life endangerment.
[edit] Stage and Screen
Spiderman was first portrayed in the TV cartoon series Spiderman on TV in 1955. The lead was played by two different drawings. One of weedy, nerd, scientific genius Peter Porker and the other of beefy, cool, scientifically illiterate Spiderman. Neither of the actors received much acclaim, being accused of being 'two-dimensional', and their careers never took off. After the series ended Spiderman's drawing was rubbed out by the mob, but the Porker drawing appeared in occasional bit parts in "Scooby-Doo, Where are you?", usually as a villain.
Spider-man has been portrayed by Tobey Maguire in the recent film series Spider-man 1, 2, 3 and 4, starring Briscoe County Junior. The film series has been criticised for containing too little sex among the violence. While many admire Maguire's nerve in playing the world's favourite super hero as a geek, most people just dislike him. Similarly Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the super-hot, brash and confident Mary Jane as a timid, bland, retiring loser with pudgy thighs was not well received. How hard could it have been to find a beautiful redhead in Hollywood?
It is rumoured that in the upcoming Spider-Man 4 Spiderman's old foe The Vulture will feature, played by either Catherine Zeta Jones or her wizened spouse, Kirk Douglas. At the moment it is anyone's guess which of the legendary Hollywood couple will snatch the role. Note to self: Try not to mention snatch in the same sentence as Catherine Zeta Jones.
[edit] Comic
[edit] The Death of Spider-man
Spiderman has died several times but never very severely. The closest he ever came to permanent death was whilst attempting to impregnate Spider-Woman. Fortunately female spiders bite the heads off their mates after impregnation and Spiderman had already shot his web-fluid several times that day, and was unable to empty his egg-sac, thus saving his head.
[edit] See also
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| Superheroes and heroines | Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel |
| Supervillains | Venom - Dr. Doom - Emperor Galactus of the World and Universe - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - Fred Phelps - Venom - Dr. Octopus - Spot |
| X-Men | Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy |
| Salacious Six | Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth |
| Other teams | The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven |
