Ghosts
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“Ghost! Ghost! GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSST!”
~ Dr.Paranoid
“BOO! i'm gonna suck out ye brains with a bendy straw”
~ random ghost
Trust us, there is no ghost, which is not to be confused with Spirit, which is merely divine breath (yes, it smells funny). When a man dies, he becomes Soylent Green. When a woman dies, she becomes Soylent Green, too. If there is life after death, it must be edible. One more thing before we get into the details, CASPER IS NOT REAL, HE IS NOT THE LEADER OF THE GHOSTS NOR WILL HE EVER BE <ahem> sorry for all the hearts i have broken and the dreams i have crushed. Now back to the point.. Ghosts eat toast halfway up the lamp post.
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[edit] Overview
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, hundreds upon hundreds of years ago there lived a guy. His name was Guy (Now you may laugh, but I’m trying to be serious). His name was Guy McGregor. One day he decided to take a walk down Drury Lane. No one ever did this because it was said that a gingerbread man ate anyone that came down the lane. A nice old muffin man lived here once, but he was eaten by his very own creation. Guy was a smart guy, but it was this fatal mistake that led to his horrid death. Once he was in the twenty feet into the dark lane (don’t ask how it was dark during the day) the ginger bread man made his move. It swung its fist of sugariness and Guy fainted from the sweetness. Ten minutes later he woke up to see the town policeman with a wooden spoon and a dough roller (you know what I mean) in his hands. In front of him stood the gingerbread man with a tootsie roll in his fist. He injected the tootsie roll into his head and arms and giant muscles of dough sprang up. Suddenly, the spirit of the muffin man appeared and told the gingerbread man to stop it this instance and go to his room to think about what he had done. The gingerbread man never bothered anyone again and everyone lived happily ever after.
Far from being the terrifying apparitions found in folklore, ghosts actually make affectionate pets and are very suitable for children, especially of the television viewing variety. Friendly and gentle, child development experts claim they are better childhood pets than hamsters and/or grandmothers.
[edit] In Society
Ghosts have often been discriminated against. Such acts of racism include seeing right through, walking right through, running from, exorcisms, and ghostbusters. Years ago, when The Man was keepin' em' down, it was considered acceptable to call them "ghosts", "specters", "demons", and "Michael Jackson". Today, ghosts prefer the term "Ecto Americans"or "Bodily Challenged". However, no one quite knows when the Ecto Americans/Bodily Challenged will be granted their right to vote. They do however, have a right to possess you long enough to make a bad decision and vote for Bill Murray because he was the coolest "Ghost Buster".
[edit] Body Structure
Ghosts are by far the most complicated things in existence. Making a diagram of the ghost of a person would take eons because they are exessively messy creatures. Their body includes things that they don't need, except on Thursday or at their parties. (See ghost parties). Scientists have tried to figure out why ghosts are so transparent-lucent-unvisible, and in the Institution of Hell, former professor that studied the art of liberating poop into space so other aliens would find it, Professor McDoobie Fo Muzzle in his incredibly advanced lab found out. Using the most advanced technology in dog noses and frisbees, professor McDoobie jumped sudenly to a conclusion:
“I have been researching for years, and after bum-breaking effort, the conclusion is, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKIN' IDEA, SO STOP BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!” After that he went out to get a drink. He wasn not found ever again, probably because his mother grounded him for the rest of his life.
A ghost's body is really slimey, soft and transparent, with many highly evolved organs like:
- Cellphones
- Dead Embrionic Flamingoes
- Atomic Energy Generators
- Special floating device
- Cowbells
- Martians
- Drug provisions
- Unmentionables
- Playboy mags
- Dead hamsters
Also, ghosts can float because they have their bodies filled with gas and tiny jetpacks, that and antimatter. Some people found out that they can go through objects because their speed is so huge that their atoms just squeeze through concrete. It is known that the houses of African Tribe People are made of dung, which is inmune to ghosts. There are several cases of ghosts that dies going through dung walls every year. Most of the ghosts are on Bat Fuck Insane.
[edit] Feeding Habits
Ghost don't eat? Of course they do. If they didn't, probably there would be rotten ghost food all over the place, and this planet would be foul-smelling. Yes. Ghost food. It is made of the same stuff that ghosts are made of- transparent substance (semen) and their ability to float. Ghost food is produced when someone eats some food, that food dies and its ghost comes out. This dead food's ghost dies and flies all over the house. One of the reasons ghost live on houses is because there's lots of ghost food lying around. There is also such a thing known as ghost cannibalism, which occurs when there is a shortage of ghost food, they then prey on other ghosts. They could even eat humans when nobody else is around.
Ghosts go to the ghost bathroom! There is such thing as ghost p***... ...and ghost toilets.... ...or Evil Pizza.
[edit] Mating Habits
Ghosts every winter and every cold, extremely rainy and windy night make eery howling noises that to a human may cause their brains to send distress signals through their nerves to their asses so they crap their pants without really being able to control it. Regardless of how scary, male ghosts use this signal to attract giraffes, Bob Dylan and female ghosts too. If desperate enough, these ghost would have to resort to kitten huffing even though kittens do not have long necks such as giraffes.
After that, ghosts turn into Copula Mode. Naturally, like any couple, they will want their privacy, so before starting their mating activity, they open a hole in space using the strange force into the 98,234th dimension. It is unknown what happens there, or even what that place looks like. Occasionally, thanks to technology rare footage of this copulation has been caught on night cam and looks similair to Paris Hilton.
Baby ghosts often are microscopic orbs and are born in quantities of billions per season. The baby orbs are released in the 98,234th dimension, but then a huge dimensional flux happens and they come out through the earth's substrate. That's how you explain the Damn Northern Lights.
[edit] Uses of Ghosts in Cooking
Ghosts are so good at giving that especially haunting flavour to your foods. Lesbians use ghosts when making cherry pie. Here are the instructions to make a Ghost-and-\cherry-Pie*.
1- Prepare all the ingredients.These are:
* Ghost Lips * Elepants * Cherries (make sure they were boiled by a virgin in the pot of boiling oil in hell's torture chamber) * Extra spongy flakes * Bread * Lesbians
Just mix in a bowl and put in oven. Ready.
*Warning, overcooking a ghost will annoy the ghosts and they will hang you in the 7th layer of hell's torturechamber,
otherwise known as the in-laws.
[edit] Pet ghosts
It is wildly accepted that having ghosts as pets is totally awesome, and and anyone who tries to abolish it will be exterminated by a hungry pack of carnivore legs. They hate you. Beware.
They are becoming increasingly popular, especially in places like the far lands of Yoomapoty and Elmer's Duck O Doom Island. You can find them in any grocery store in the section in where they keep fairies and octopuses toghether, and generally, it costs half a pizza to get one, and no signing papers are needed, because the chances are that as soon as you buy the ghost, it will fly away or haunt you. Ghosts make far better pets than many of the animals traditionally found in homes, such as dogs. They eat very little, are good with children and don't poo. However, ghosts do go through a short moulting period at the end of Winter when they shed their warm, luxurious Winter coat and may leave ectoplasm on furniture.
Do not confuse Ghosts with Ghost, or Ghoti.
[edit] Ghosts with feelings
There are currently known two types of feelings ghosts have. They are:
[edit] Sad Ghosts
Sad ghosts are rather whiney and complain a lot. Kinda like a small Emo kid.Only less pale.
[edit] How to Identify a Sad Ghost
Sad ghosts moan a lot, a habit which is quite annoying. They just won't shut up, even if you hit them with a broom. A bit like children. In fact, many of these apparitions were on prozac and are still sad because they cannot eat your prozac.
[edit] Happy Ghost
Happy ghosts are rather pleased with themselves, they are constantly giggling and going "boo".
[edit] How to Identify a Happy Ghost
They smile a lot (however they are not to be confused with Drug Using Ghosts, which often share this trait), they often go "boo" then quickly back away and start snickering (not to be confused with Demented Ghosts, which will often share this trait). Also, the happy ghost is the ultimate evil to the imperfect sheep because imperfect sheep do not like their happy disposition.
[edit] Advanced Ghost Personalities
In 1980, gaming companies Namco and Midway found four distinct ghost personalities, defined primarily by their colour. The following characters were found:
[edit] Shadow
Because "shadow" is a personality, obviously. Often red, like bloody shadows. It is also known as Yagrons Chektot in the acid rain article.
[edit] Speedy
You can't really tell which drug they are on.
[edit] Bashful
The only ghost in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
[edit] Pokey
Clyde, the "alternative" ghost, feels insulted by being summed up as "pokey". He prefers the term "Bohemian". However, "pokey" is the correct term. Pokey ghosts are the most likely to get arrested for indecent exposure.
[edit] Ghosts In Machines
Ghosts are commonly found in machines. For example, the laptop I am currently amusing is haunted by the ghost of Anne Boleyn; and in 1978 an entire legion of ghostly Roman soldiers was found haunting a television set belonging to one Mr. Albert Scrofula of Burnham, Lancashire. Some famous machines are thought to be inhabited by ghosts, such as those in the following list:
- HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey, haunted by Richard 111 of England
- KITT from Knight Rider, haunted by Jimi Hendrix
- The cash till in Open All Hours, haunted by John Lennon; who, incidentally, wasn't even dead when the series was produced.
- Charles Babbage's Analytical Engine, haunted by Cleopatra
As with all ghosts, holy water is an effective solution to ghosts in machines. In the case of a haunted computer, for example, the best remedy is to remove the hard drive, dismantle it, squirt the water over the platters, rebuild it and put it back into the computer. This is known to have a success rate of 98%. Interestingly enough, machines sometimes become ghosts. Servants at Buckingham Palace have reported seeing a ghostly Sinclair ZX Spectrum floating around in the toilets.
[edit] Poltergeists
Contrary to popular opinion, poltergeists (the word is German for noisy spirit (used in the English-speaking world because, although English does supply us with an equivalent term - whisky - it is already used to denote something else) are not in fact ghosts. They are actually a type of malevolent invisible squirrel which only derives satisfaction from hunting for your nuts.
[edit] What to do if you discover Poltergeists in your Home
First, do not panic! In times gone by, poltergeists were considered as undesirable in the home as rats, mice and cockroaches - Victorian poltergeist traps can be seen in many museums, and poltergeist-catchers could find work in any town as recently as the 1970s. However, it has since been shown that poltergeists actually do a great deal more good than harm. For example, they do not chew holes in clothes, as your grandmother may have claimed, and the camphor balls she placed in the wardrobe (she just told you they were to keep moths away so you wouldn't get scared when you were a kid) would have had little or no effect as poltergeists have no sense of smell. They also do not suffocate sleeping children by lying down on their faces - if that ever happens to your kid, there's every chance it was actually the cat that did it. However, poltergeists do catch and eat a number of household pests, including dust mites, curtain beetles, wallpaper mites and carpet munchers. Poltergeists can be trained to carry out several useful tasks around the home. Although better-known for smashing crockery, with a bit of time and effort they can be taught useful tasks around the kitchen such as washing-up, and nothing scrubs an oven clean quite like a poltergeist does. They also have a natural love of children; and their gentle, caring natures make them excellent childminders.
[edit] Ghost Remedies
Exorcism is one favourite. A priest comes to the residence and after drinking a large quantity of alky-hol will parade around in traditional fashion chanting Bee Gees hits from the seventies. This has a success rate of precisely 72.9% for ghosts who were dumbasses in their former life.
There is an old wive's tale that says if you show the movie Beethoven's 4th while playing Bob Dylan's entire back catalogue, any unrighteous spirit would be burned and sent to eternal damnation (this technique is also very likely to mean that you are a hippy, because no-one except a hippy would have Bob Dylan's entire back catalogue. You hippy). Such attempts have only caused these apparitions to lash out and participate in drugs and gang rape on unsuspecting adults and children. Do NOT Attempt!
[edit] Ghost Trivia
- Ghost poo can't be trapped by the Ghostbusters.
- If you ask nicely a ghost will give you piggyback but this will result in wet socks.
- Ghosts prefer turkey bacon to regular bacon because it is much too salty.
- All ghosts and leprechauns hate each other. No really they do.
- Contrary to popular belief, eating a power pill will not allow you to eat ghosts by walking into them and going "Wakka wakka wakka." It will, however, make you incredibly high; high enough that you'll probably believe you can.
- Ghosts will play a crucial role in the Great Tire War of 2012, aiding the humans in their victory against the tires.
- Ghost are one of the few things you can legally have sex with in public, however ghosts reward dirty sanchezes with pink socks. You have been warned.
- A poltergeist will gladly mind the children, but have all expectations to see the children run through the ghost and out the door never to return when you do this. (Always Works, for a reason unknown to me at this time)
- Ghost are known to be no good at video games, so most use the walk through walls cheat.
[edit] Ghost Hunting
[edit] See also
[edit] External Links
- The nutty Psionist Group Blog (Hey! They actually believe in Ghosts)
- Your Ghost Stories (Of course, if bull shit is true then this must be true)
- Ghosty Music
