Split
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Split is the title of a widely distributed child porn magazine, and sister publication of Little Boy Fancy Magazine. Founded in Norfolk in the early 1980's, it is now the second most widely purchased magazine in the world, shortly after FHM (who recruit many of the magazines ageing stars). Preteen Slut Natalie Portman was discovered by Luc Besson after doing a hardcore shoot with Gary Glitter, in the 200th edition of Split.
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[edit] Beginings
Recognising a gash, sorry, gap in the market, unrepentant pedophile and inventor of business Bob Dole began to research the market. He discovered that over 90% of Britains male population described themselves as nonces. Joining forces with fellow mockney Guy Ritchie, Sugar was soon making more money through Split than he was through the interwebbernets.
[edit] 1987-1990: The Golden Shower Years
By late '86, Split was beginning to gain widespread appeal. Articles in the Guardian ("Is it just me or has everything Split?" by Germaine Greer) and the Daily Mail ("Polish pedo bastard cool with me" by Richard Littlejohn) helped this no end. Sugar negotiated a special deal with WH Smith to have it displayed next to check-outs in all shops. Distribution went through the roof.
[edit] 1991: Legal Trouble
The Nonce Sense Act 1991 effectively outlawed Split. Campaigners argued that the graphic depiction of young girls engaging in sexual activity with 43 year old men was indecent, and served to dehumanise the readers and performers. They also believed that it was probably damaging to the psyches of the young girls involved. But they didn't know shit. The UK government, sensing a revolution, gave Split special dispensation to be published and sold at licensed sex shops. Whilst this drastically reduced the magazines circulation, it still outsold Cosmopolitan, Private Eye and The Sun all combined by a total of 2:1.
[edit] Revival
In 2003, Loaded Magazine ran a special feature on Split. Bez from Happy Mondays wrote an article entitled "Defining moment of my generation: SPLIT!". Younger readers, intrigued by this old-but-newly-discovered phenomena, sourced the magazine. It was soon being passed around universities, colleges and even nurseries, like heroin in a school playing field. As of August 2007, it is considered an international institution, with Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson and George W. Bush all admitting to being fans.
[edit] Future
So, where now for this sacred publication? Don't ask stupid questions. If you want to know the future, don't read a made up article on a content free encyclopedia. For fucks sake....
