Spontaneous Combustion
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“Build a man a fire and he will be warm for one night. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.â€
“Try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, I bet that really freaks you out.â€
~ Jack Handy on Spontaneous Combustion
Spontaneous Combustion is the instantaneous localized conflagration of a human being or object by the will of God.
[edit] Why?
God gets pissed off. But not your run of the mill "Darn, I'm pissed" but your whole nine yards. Real pissed. What - you would get pissed off too if the ant farm you struggled for billions of years to create was being carelessly destroyed in a matter of geological days. Sometimes subtlety doesn't work. A flood, locusts, and disease can be construed as nature or global warming. Your arm suddenly bursting into flames however- that's an attention getter. God's got your number, and today he's to lazy today to pick up a rock and smite you. Maybe you produced an awful rap record, or bought a car so slow even God has no patience for it. The point is, you can't run, you can't hide, you might as well sit down and take it like a man, or woman if you're Joan of Arc.
[edit] Notable Spontaneous Combustion Targets
- Terry Barton
- Members of Hamas
- Airplanes
- Spinal Tap drummers
- Iraqi government officials
- Travelers on the Ho Chi Minh trail
- External combustion engine
- Space Shuttle Challenger
- Burning Man
- Johnny Storm
- Chernobyl
- Humans
- Giraffes
- The tops of buildings
- Random Pineapples
- Your Penis
 | Divine Retribution |
| Smite | Damnation | Flagellation | Flood | Death of Your First Born | Frogs | Pestilence | Rivers of Blood | |
| Locusts | Fire and Brimstone | Famine | Cancer | Papercuts of Doom | Reaganomics | |
| Spontaneous Combustion | Decapitation Disease | Brainsplurge | Marriage | Pedicornwallification |
