Spoonguard
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“I'll never fear a spoon again!”
~ Oscar Wilde on spoonguards
Spoonguard is a revolutionary new line of defense against the ruthless and all-powerful spoon. It is essentially a device that works in strange and mysterious ways we are not meant to understand[1]. It has been shown to be remarkably effective against spoon terrorism (also known as spoonerism) and continues to satisfy customers everywhere.
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[edit] History
Spoons were never designed to hurt anybody. They were supposed to be simple, innocent, metallic utensils that prevent messiness and burned hands when eating. The public was content with the invention they had been handed, as eating such things as marshmallow fluff, cat food, eggs, pizza, sugar, and spoons was made much easier and safer.
However, not long after The Great Aspie War of Ought Six, sudden cases of spoon-related deformation sprung up across the globe. Kirstey Cheese of Boise, Idaho was found in her crib with swollen eyeballs and a shrunken mouth, as she clutched a spoon in her hand that had somehow sneaked into her room the night before.
Davey Pants, of Sydney, Australia was similarly discovered with an engorged jaw and horribly deformed eyeballs. Near the wall, next to his night-light, lay a spoon.
Spoons were everywhere, causing destruction, disease, and depression throughout the world. Clearly, something had to be done.
Then it happened.
They set to work.
And created the Spoonguard.
[edit] The Spoonguard
The first Spoonguard hit Wal-Mart shelves on January 22nd, 2007. It was immediately purchased by an elderly lady with sagging breasts, convinced that her problem was caused by spoon exposure. She brought it back to her house and, while on national TV, set it loose in the house.
Within five minutes, every spoon in the house was devoured by Spoonguard[2]. Reporters and onlookers rushed home to blog the results, about how fantastic Spoonguard really was. Within hours, Spoonguards were in half the homes in America and the news stations actually had the chance to talk about something else.
[edit] Ban Spoonguard!
Shortly after the sales of Spoonguard rised, the British Association of Spoon Manufacturers launched a campaign where they encouraged people to ban the Spoonguard. The association claimed to have evidence that Spoonguard not only didn't work at all, but also actually caused misshaping even worse than those supposedly created by the exposure to Spoons. An advertisement was made that was a parody on the original Spoonguard advertisement, but switched "Buy Spoonguard" with "Ban Spoonguard". The advertisement also pointed at examples of people who had become misshaped after usage of Spoonguard.
A recent study of 10,000,000 victims of spoons and spoonguard, with a third control group which were given a placebo spoon, found that those participants who were in the spoonguard condition suffered a significantly higher risk of cancer, aids, premature ejaculation, teen pregnancy, obesity, watching daytime TV, fishing, fish, baldness, loss of pants, hideous malformations of the skull and boner and finally Level 5 death. A campaign headed by Professor Herbert Von Burgenburger plans to outline a recall solution to ban all spoonguards.
Spoonguards are already banned in Germany, which should embarrass the rest of the world into doing so.
[edit] Buy or Ban?
To this date, the Spoonguard discussion has been raging without an end. Both fractions of the conflict refuse to bring the case before a court, most likely because they both have caused harm to innocent people and cooperated with different terrorist organizations. Therefore, it is up to the individual person to decide whether Spoonguard is "Pure Evil" or not.
