Sporting Balls
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“This is bloody top banana!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Balls
Balls is a popular international spectator sport. It was established by Sir Francis Drake as he whiled away the hours awaiting execution by firing squad.
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[edit] The History of Balls
After the execution of Francis Drake, balls (or Ye Olde Balles as it was then known) found popularity amongst the masses and nobility in London. Chaucer records "...and in ye yarddes and fieldes, ye balles could be seen flyinge freeleye" By the time of the English Civil War, balls was a well established sport, with an annual tournament being held at the Tower of London. Cash prizes were awarded for champion ballers in excess of 10,000 guineas, although what anyone would do with that many rodents remains a mystery.
During the Napoleonic wars, balls was spread by British soldiers as far afield as India and Peru. King George himself was said to have partaken of a bit of balls. At the dawn of the 20th century, balls fell into obscurity, and was not revitalised until the self proclaimed "Prince of Balls," Lee van Cleef revived the sport in the 1970s.
Today, balls enjoys a vast international following, with the annual World Balls Series attracting 120 million viewers worldwide.
[edit] Rules For Balls
Balls is traditionally played on a four metre long court. The players stand at one end of the court, and at the other end stands a small receptacle (a common waste basket will suffice). The receptacle is commonly placed against a wall or door to provide "strategic bounce" opportunities.
The game is played in three rounds. In each player takes turns to throw three "Balls" into the receptacle. Underarm throws are not permitted.
[edit] Scoring System
A single point is scored for each ball that bounces and lands in the receptacle. Two points are scored if the ball lands directly within the receptacle. At the end of three rounds, the points are totalled and the winner is the player with the most points. In the event of a tie, a "Sudden Death Play-Off" occurs, with a single round being played between the tied players. This continues until a winner is found.
[edit] Penalties
One penalty point is deducted for not taking the game seriously.
[edit] Pro-Celebrity Balls
A modern twist on the theme of balls is the concept of "Pro-Celebrity Balls". This popular variation sees professional ballers team up with celebrity amateur ballers in aid of charity. Top celebrity ballers include:
- John Cleese
- General Pinochet - the only amateur player ever to score a perfect 18 in competition, and then follow it up with two perfect 6s in the Sudden Death rounds.
- Julio Iglesias
- Bob Carolgees
- Kofi Anan
- John Prescott
- Christopher Walken - the only player known to have intimidated judges into awarding him 19 points.
- Chow Yun Fat - voted best international newcomer, after scoring 16 points whilst simultaneously holding a baby and being on fire.
- Bon Scott - even wrote a song about the game, titled "Big Balls."
- David Kessler - the current "Prince of Balls".
