Squirrel
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“Squirrels grant your wishes.”
~ Me on squirrels
“I like the way that they crawl around in my attic while i chase them with my shotgun.”
~ Dick Cheney on Squirrels
“OMG a squirrel!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Squirrels
“Aren't they those furry bastards that run out in front of your car, causing you to swerve while changing radio station?”
~ Adolf Hitler on Squirrels
“Squirrels are natures drug dealers, you know.”
~ Scott DeWitt on Squirrels being natures drug dealers.
“Every time you think a squirrel is nibblin' on a nut, he is IN FACT, rolling a little spliff”
~ Bill Bailey on Squirrels and their drug dealing abilties
Squirrels, genus Sciurus (many sub classes and of course, nature's crack baby) are a common form of rodent found almost everywhere on the planet. This proliferation of the species is due to their heightened cosmic awareness. Several hundred-thousand years ago, the first ping of an intergalactic radio broadcast arrived at Earth, after being originally transmitted millions of years earlier by a distant planet. The first intelligent beings to recognize the repetition of this cosmic broadcast were the squirrels, their tails being natural radio receptors.
When the aliens first visited Earth, the squirrels were the first creatures to approach and communicate with them. For this friendly greeting, the squirrels were blessed by the aliens with intelligence and insight beyond their mammalian ancestry. Quickly adapting to all planetary conditions and viruses, the squirrel thrives today among the human race with a grace and ease like that of no other animal. The human populace is largely unaware of the cosmic ancestry and majesty of the squirrel and has become so accustomed to seeing the animal that they barely devote a thought to them, much to the loss and eventual downfall of humanity.
"All right i admit they have their flaws, but the taste so darn delicious!" -Dora the Explorer on spanish food (aka squirrels)
[edit] Origins
Squirrels, monkeys and humans share a common ancestry. When the human species as we know it began its evolution from the monkeys which were removed from the trees, it was the squirrels that stayed in the trees. Continuing a similar mental evolution as the humans, squirrels quickly adapted to their environment, displacing the monkeys from the trees and thus taking part in the genesis of the human species. WOWERS!
The basic squirrels can be found playing Bingo on Donkeys. I once met two squirrells called Chris and Gabriel, they were eating Jelly beans and Aubergines at the time.
[edit] Oxygen and Forests
One of the main points of communication the Squirrels received was regarding the balance of gases in the Earth's atmosphere. Oxygen is the key element needed to sustain the current biological diversity. Squirrels are responsible for planting 80% of the forests as well as their maintenance. (The remaining 20% coming from trees natural reproduction). Most humans believe the squirrels simply forget where they have buried their food, and thus many tree seeds are left in the ground. But those blessed with true Squirrel Gnosis, or knowledge, share this enlightened state of mammalian oxygenation support strategy with the Squirrels.
there are many different breeds of squrriell. There is the african giant, the Norwegian helicopter and the Jennirussianchris
[edit] Squirrels and Humans
Squirrels continue to adapt to their surrounding with a skill that is to be admired. Squirrels are integrated into human culture almost to the point of transparency. While many humans consider them a nuisance, and try (in vain) to keep the clever Squirrels from their bird food, and other treats, Squirrels have proven an irresistible invasion force. Quick to adapt, smart and cunning, Squirrels currently thrive on over 90% of the human inhabited surface. It is hypothesized that they continue to receive insight and knowledge via Tail Reception. All squirrels follow the religion of pastafarianism. While most things you have ever heard are a lie, squirrels do plan to take over the world starting in Asia and then moving onwards into China and finally non-mythical Spainland. They are currently hoarding M-16s , Rocket-propelled rocket launchers, and weapons of their own creation [1]. They may or may not use Television as a means of hypnotizing the humans into surrender, so be prepared.
Once the squirrels take over, they will melt all of our cars into scrap metal and demolish all our factories, thus getting rid of pollution and rendering us helpless. POWs will be forced to run on giant hamster wheels as a means of clean, safe electricity for the squirrels and inslavement of the human race will be inevitable.Otherwise, our way of life will not be altered too much.As an added bonus,losing weight will be a breeze,as inslavement by another species usually equals in miracle weight loss by starvation.
Of course squirrels are still different then us. For example Squirrels often protect their nuts more cautiously than us humans. Another example is the fact that squirrels have the ability to teleport two inches from their current spot if needed.
However the squirrels forgot one thing. One of their offspring matd with a humun on a night near to christmas. This gave birth to the Super Squirrel friendship bands. a group of firned swho maysteriously have something to do wih the big Bing bought these bands thinkng they were for sale. This caused them to become none othe than the SUPER SQUIRRELS!!!! Wjo will fight the squirrels awy one day when they can be arsed, and protect the human race!!!
[edit] Squirrels in the Media
Contrary to popular opinion, squirrels have not begun to appear more frequently in broadcast and print media. The specific reason behind this misapprehension is not entirely clear, but it is obvious that the squirrel is pushing itself from the unconscious human psyche into the forefront of human thought. Rare individuals with unique power of perceptions can see that most 'squirrels' appearing in media are in reality mice. squirrels are reported to have a similar species of squirrels the cannible squirrel and the evil squirrel which has been speculated to have killed steve erwin instead of the manta ray but has been dismissed by a report by david hasselhoff who had also been strangly killed by a ray!.
Some recent examples:
- The 'squirrels' in the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
- Mechanical 'Squirrel' pets in the MMORPG World of Warcraft. In fact, these mechanical marvels have such false influence that they have started an in game following: Mechanical Squirrel Army and Way of the Squirrel. According to the guild history of the Mechanical Squirrel Army, "Little is known of the true origins of the Mechanical Squirrel. Both Gnomes and Goblins alike lay claim to the design of the creature. Truth is even masters of the engineer craft will have trouble explaining exactly how the Mechanical Squirrel functions. An enigma to modern engineering lacking both a way to process information and a definable power source the Mechanical Squirrel with its intelligent green eyes and mild demeanor is a marvel. Gnomish Engineers to this day continue to study the design of the squirrel and have created a variety of automatons based upon the simple schematic."
- Several cereal and car insurance commercials have featured 'Squirrels' as well.
- Squirrels from the book series Redwall. However, this is unconfirmed since these are furries and not animals.
[edit] Squirrel Poop Theory
Due to a total lack of witnesses, scientists are led to believe that squirrel poop does not exist or rather, does not exist outside of the squirrels body. The theory states that magic causes waste to disappear as it meets the end of the large intestine. While most are convinced that after this stage it completely disappears, others believe that it could actually be teleported to either another dimension, or the ingredients bay of Slim Jim factories.
Recently, a multi-national research team at CERN published results of a new technique to both encourage squirrels to poop, and to harness said poop in a cold fusion reaction. Although the method involves common household items such as cracked peppercorns and a Dire Straits album, peer-review has yet to validate this claim. The super Squirrels however have reported that squirrels do poop, they use your toilet when your not looking. Sometimes in your pizza. However this statement has been confirmed to be a lie. DAMN YOU SUPER SQUIRRELS!!!
UPDATE: Squirrel poop does exist. It looks like little pellets, much like a rabbit's, only a bit less firm and more brown. This was discovered when one of our operatives mistook some of the rodent droppings for chocolate candy (yuck!!!) Yet another mystery of the universe solved.
UPDATE: Indeed squirrel poop does exist; however, rather than pooping in the woods where one would normally search for animal excrement, squirrels assign a member of their community to take up residence in some poor homeowner's attic and all squirrels in the area then use this as their public restroom.
[edit] The environmental protection movement and squirrel research
Stephen L. Johnson, administrator of the EPA (US Environmental Protection Agency) and firm believer in the squirrel poop theory launched a campaign encouraging schools to collect squirrels to help research for a more effective waste management system in early April 2005. The campaign backfired when most school officials took it as a joke and it ended in the same month.
Upon the recent discovery that squirrels do, in fact, defecate, Johnson turned his efforts to the Duck Non-Echoing Quack Theory...but that's a story for another day.
[edit] "Squirrel" as Slang
The term "Squirrel" or "Squirrely" was invented in Downtown Montreal, in the year 2005, at a Mythical Hangout named the Crondome. It originates from a Squirrely son of a bitch who became known as a "Squirrely" guy or a "Squirrel". The term has proliferated throughout Canadian Urban Culture in the depths of Toronto and Montreal.
Squirrely loosely means "sketchy", "untruthful", "untrustworthy", "deceitful", "greedy", "dirty", "crazy", "sneaky", "stealthy", "A Close Call", "backstabbing", "cheap", "homeless", "ugly"
"Squirrel" and/or "Squirrely" are very flexible terms, which can be used to describe many different situations and/or people:
-Your buddy has sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend while you are on vacation. - "Squirrely"
-You studied for 15 minutes before a midterm multiple-choice exam, and somehow got a 65% - "Squirrely"
-Someone who sleeps on your couch, has no job, and eats your food - "Squirrel"
-A person with a hideous face. - "Squirrely Face"
-A beat up / filthy car "Squirrely ride"
-Not going to class, sitting at home smoking weed and eating food in dirty boxers - "Squirrelin' out"
-Buying a $8.00 sandwich that comes with nothing but bread and meat - "Squirrely Sandwich"
-Some Guy talking to himself - "Squirrel"
-A President who is corrupt / Rigs elections - "Squirrel"
-A Haircut of the Mullet variety - "Squirrely Haircut"
are you for serious?
[edit] Squirrel Allies And Natural Enemies
The natural enemy of the squirrel is the Iguana, mainly due to a poker game that ended with fisticuffs during the reign of Caesar. They have been at war many times, most recently yesterday, where the only thing that saved the squirrels from ultimate destruction by an Iguana bomb was a nearby sky-diving Giraffe exhibition (Giraffes hate Iguanas more than squirrels). Usually these wars are fought on pygmy ponies or flying giant cougars. Currently the kept score count is Iguanas 8, Squirrels 9.6. (Three seconds ago the Iguanas cheated, resulting in a 0.1 point bonus to the Squirrels). The squirrels main enemy is the Janitor!
Squirrels are also at war with the Marmots, who kidnapped the leader of the red squirrel army. Though the Marmots are superior in size and speed, squirrels have the whole cosmic awarness thing. By correctly predicting the Marmots' every move, the squirrels have maintained an upper hand.
The Ally of the squirrel is currently a tin of Alphabet Spaghetti. They formed the union during the invasion of Columbia by field mice, where they beat back their foe and rejoiced with a few too many nuts. In the past they have been teamed with Purple Lettuces, Cats, Romans, Horses and the chemical symbol for Platinum. Though currently, as all of these species are on an invasion trip of the dwarf planet Plutato, they are unavailable for comment.
[edit] Squirrels, Pubic Infestation Of
Although this condition was almost eradicated in the west during the 1950s, there is some evidence that the Asian Pubic Squirrel, common throughout India and SE Asia, is becoming resistant to antibiotics. The Lancet, the doctors' journal, notes several instances of travellers returning from these parts of the world with infestations of the squirrels. Dr. Mervin Scrotesak, a world-renowned expert on pubic squirrels, advises that the best way to avoid them is to shave one's pubic hair before travelling and to anoint the genitals in paraffin each night while abroad.
[edit] The Impending Invasion (An Alternate Theory)
According to certain individuals (such as Joe Billy-Bob Wimblegis, who wishes to remain anonymous), the squirrels are actually an alien species that intends to invade Earth, and that the currently existing squirrels are advance scouts. Says leader of the Resistance: "They are coming to take over! They have infiltrated all levels of the government! Beware!" He went on to claim that the squirrels will soon be arriving and otherwise rant incoherently. Such an invasion would probably not be very dangerous, due to the high probability that any incoming squirrel ship could be crushed by repeated stomping.
[edit] Little known Factoids
- There is only one known squirrel in existence, commonly called Chippy.
- Squirrels carry weapons.
- Squirrels are in fact rats who grew long bushy tails. Just don't tell anyone, ok?
- There are some noted Squirrel fetishists including the founder of the Fark cult Drew Curtis.
- The wolf is known to roll around in squirrel hide, commonly seen by scientists as a form of Oprah worshipping.
- It has come to be widely assumed in scientific circles that only one single squirrel exists, called the Singular Squirrel. This pan-dimensional entity is believed to be immortal, able to be in a great number of places at once, and damn fast. Critics have pointed out flaws in this theory, however, such as: how do you explain a mother squirrel nursing her young? The experts answer thusly: "Simple! TIME TRAVEL!"
- Zen Buddhists believe that mankind is only the dream of a squirrel. This would explain why so many humans are completely nuts.
- Several squirrels have made significant contributions to mankind including the nutcracker, Canada, and squirrelology, the study of humans from the point of view of squirrels.
- Ancient Norwegian folklore believes that squirrels are actually little tiny gnomes, who relinquish their furry hide at night to repair shoes and fertilize unwed women. It is also believed that if they do not shed their furry coat by sunset, they will become miniature werewolves.
- A recent poll in the squirrel world shows that 9 out of 10 squirrels like to live in the north of England, particularly Northumberland. Diane Hopkins, the human representative in the area, gives good homes to those who choose to emigrate to that part of the world.
One red squirrel called Sammy was quoted this week, "Ms Hopkins saved me from those awful grey squirrels in London. I will forever be in her debt."
- Squirrels are among the most evil creatures known to man. They attack humans often and even did your mom last night. The only way to stop them is to sing "Blame Canada" in E Minor and do the Oompa Lumpa Dance.
- Squirrels also enjoy digging into dead people's coffins, removing them of their nuts, and delivering them to the spouse of the deceased or to small children.
- For inexplicable reasons, there were no squirrels in North America until approximately 1595 when they were imported from Spain by Sir Walter Raleigh. He had high hopes that they could be trained to harvest tobacco, but this turned out to be a dismal failure. In fact, some historians believe that this embarrassement was the real reason behind Raleigh's incarceration and ultimate beheading.
[edit] Squirrels And Drug Abuse
They LOVY SEX eant]] Yogi Bear (Hay boo-boo) would like to remind all citizens of this great and powerful nation (Gaymeninstan) that if they can identify or know of any details that may help their search for the supplier of the Vaigra, to come forward and inform the authorities ASAP
