St. Louis, Missouri
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You may be looking for the patron saint of barbers. If you are, please see Saints.
“Take me to St. Louie, Louie, they have great fights there.”
~ Oscar Wilde on St. Louis
“Best 'roids in the country!”
~ Mark McGwire on St. Louis
St. Louis is the current Financial capital of The Holy Federation Of Missouri. A city rich with tradition and loaded with historical significance, its origins can be traced back to the year 1024 BC. Founded by Joseph Pulitzer's pet dog Charles, the population quickly grew into the billions. The city's name derives from the Egyptian Pharaoh Sanitis Lucious, loosely translated as “Little Prince with Massive Assets”. The city as it stands today is a hub for such things as; drugs, terrible hip-hop artists, alcohol, prostitutes, and drugs.
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[edit] Demographics
As of the census of 2000, there are around 269,784,332 people, 154,777,322 households, and 3 families residing in the city proper and 2,798,300,269 people, 1,122,769,666 households and 4 families residing in the local metropolitan area. The population density is 3,125,115 per square kilometer. The racial makeup of the city is 10% African Decent, 4% White, 2% Asian, 1% Pacific Islander, 1% Hispanic, .02% Pokemon, -3% Eskimo, and 85% Native American. The median income per household is $12.59 and the median income for a family is $17.51 annually, except for the Jones's, who must be millionaires by now.
[edit] Crime
Currently, the city has the largest per capita crime statistics in the country. It has an average of 1 murder for every 1 person living (or deceased in this case) in the city. Robberies and shootings are so common, that children have been taught to identify which gangs are carrying out hits just by the gunfire, and subsequently which way to run. Due to this high level of crime, St. Louis has been dubbed "The Most Dangerous City in America", followed closely by Detroit. Everyone in the city is required by law to own the following weapons due to the high levels of crime :
* AK-47 * Double Barreled Shotgun * Standard pistol * 3 Grenades * Brass knuckles * C4 * At least 2 small nuclear weapons, or an equivalent number of badgers * A board with a nail in it.
On top of that, residents of the city are required, also, to wear at-a-minimum 12 bullet proof vests at any one time. This, of course, led to the rise in "head shots" this past fiscal year.
[edit] Geography
The city lies between two muddy rivers, the Tigris and the Euphrates. Contrary to popular belief, St. Louis was invented by the Sumerians over 4,000 years ago.
The city’s lack of any natural boundaries or sea ports as well as its location between several highly aggressive warring nations make it a natural tourist attraction and trading center. St. Louis is famous for its lack of mountains and abundance of water. And of course, the abundance of squirrels and blind deer.
The regular devastation that is caused by mass meteor showers has been traced to the fact that there a large deposit of magnetic materials mixed into the bedrock that seems to just yank passing meteors out of the sky. In fact, recent studies indicate St. Louis' electromagnetic field is as strong as that of the planet Jupiter, if not stronger.
Just east of the city, across the Euphrates, the legendary Cahokia Mounds are located. Popular belief is that they were built hundreds of years ago by Indian tribes for exercise purposes, however most St. Louisans believe them to just be...mounds.
[edit] Exports and Economy
The prime source of income from the city is the cultivation and harvesting of the rare suburban Emo.
Bio-tech is also a popular export. Some companies have tried to exploit this angle, but due to small marketing budgets, have only been able to see modest profits at best. An exception exists in the outrageously profitable Budweiser, a deadly biological weapon illegal under most international protocols. Anheuser-Busch, the unscrupulous defense contractor who manufactures the Budweiser microbe, is one of the largest employers in St. Louis.
Another major export of St. Louis is people. Attracted--or rather, unattracted to--St. Louis, hundreds of thousands of Asian, Pacific Islander, and both White St. Louisians have migrated to places with even shittier urban planning like St. Charles and Wildwood. Not far enough from St. Louis, and not white enough, people in St. Charles only created two bridges that are crowded all the time due to the Native Americans that get pulled over without passports. This creates even more "mini-St. Louises," white Republican disasters that keep spreading in all directions in the bi-state area.
One of the other St. Louis family traditions is to own a car dealership, which automatically gives that generation a PHD, <pop has dealership>
- St. Louis is also home to the The Holy Federation Of Missouri's Stock Market, as well as Schmuck's, a chain of overly priced grocery stores where nothing is on sale and everything is sold out.
[edit] Parks and Attractions
St. Louis is full of these. One amusement park that services the city, Six Flags, is abhorrently crowded and hot every day of the year. St. Louis is also home to the St. Louis Zoo, the best zoo in America besides the San Diego Zoo, which really shouldn't count, because THEY have a panda.
St. Louis is also home to the St. Louis Art Museum (ShitLAM), The Grand St. Louis Art Museum (GRAND SLAM), The Science Center, The City Museum, and The History Museum. A Museum Museum is planned for 2010.
The most popular landmark in St. Louis is the world famous Gateway Arch. The Gateway Arch was designed by Finnish carpenter, Eero Saarinen (Yes, Finland is a real country). Standing at an impressive 6300 feet tall and 12600 feet wide, it is the world’s second largest monument, second only to Seattle's own Overly Large Phallic Symbol, but most women prefer the arch due to its greater girth.
Little known facts about the Arch: It is actually a robot which emits a force field of approximately 65,305,786 Joules per second. This force field acts as a deterrent for nuclear missiles (pronounced - miss-AISLES) and Kansas City. The "field" as it is referred to, also accounts for the crazy weather that St. Louis is famous for. Along with that, it has the duty of transforming into intergalactic spaceships from the movie Star Wars and distributing meth to the "Greater" St. Louis area, not unlike Santa Claus.
[edit] Transportation
The city uses a ridiculous method of public transportation called the Metrolink, which never takes you where want to go, and then drops passengers off at random and with no warning. The city's bus system is driven by a bunch of monkeys with lead feet, specifically South American Lead-Footed Howler Monkeys. The bus system also acts as a secondary amusement ride as the monkeys tend to drive at insane speeds, have no sense of direction and like to drive on the wrong side of the road. While the city also has several taxi services, no one uses them as they are too expensive; it would be cheaper to buy your own plane and build an airport at each end of your commute.
St. Louis has an extensive interstate highway system that is world renowned for its uselessness and for always being under construction. The primary highways are: Highway 40/I-64, I-44, I-55, I-70, I-170 and I-270. The oldest of these is Hwy 40/I-64 (pronounced: Forty-Sixty-Four), which was originally constructed around the year 350 BC. It consists of a single lane that is dominated by hairpin turns, steep hills and sudden drop-offs. There has been talk of improving Hwy 40/64 but most people are opposed to fixing it; as a matter of fact, it is currently illegal to even patch a pothole as it would destroy the historical significance of the road. MoDOT has successfully overruled this once timeless rule and has now shut Hiwhway 40/64 down. This has many St. Louisianians aggrevated, and are rebelling by hitting road workers with their vehicles. I-44 (pronounced: Eye Farty-Far) started its construction shortly after I-40, and is still under construction today, and will remain under construction until the end of time. I-55 manages to be one of the only usable roads around the city, but with a current speed limit of 5 miles per hour, commutes tend to take several days. I-70 does not officially exist, construction for this highway began in the 1950's but never got past the initial tree-clearing stages; this has not stopped local residents from using it, however. Both I-170 and I-270 are actually only a few hundred feet long each and serve no real purpose (Oddly enough, more than three-quarters of the highway budget goes to maintaining these two roads). Most people in the city have found cars too ineffective and now ride Triceratops' to work and back, but with only 4 usable buildings making up St. Louis's skyline, most people just decide not to work and instead stay inside where it has recently proven to be safer from the Gamma Radiation consuming the city.
[edit] Schools
The educational system in St. Louis is both good and bad. Due to massive budget cuts, in order to fund the construction of a new bloodbath stadium, the schools currently only have one outdated textbook per 350 students, this is also the size of the average classroom since there are only about a dozen teachers in the whole city. In the late 1990's, all school buildings were converted to profit-generating businesses, such as crack houses and brothels, and students now attend class in vacant parking lots. The school lunch program is hosted by the local Rat-on-a-Stick industry, so at least the kids don't have to starve. Recently the curriculum was changed to let kids know that the new stadium is more important than knowing the difference between shit and shinola, and that seems to have shut most of them up.
St. Louis is also home to several renowned Universities and Colleges. The most prestigious is certainly not St. Louis University. This overpriced day-care service for aging parents of adult children whose propensity for mature comportment is highly suspect has been stuck in a multi-thousand dollar bidding war between the University of Phoenix and Alliant Online University over a merger with the latter. The only important school in St. Louis is Washington University of St. Louis. Originally named St. Louis University of Washington, the campus of which is an exact 5-to-1 replica of Petra, its educational reputation humbles all other educational pretenders in St. Louis, The Holy Federation of Missouri, and, arguably the entire Midwest excluding Canada. Unfortunately, Washington University has a rule the forces all occupants to have at least two Asian parents, and have no Native American genes. For that reason, only people from surrounding areas attend the university.
[edit] Cuisine
St Louis is known for it's own funky style of pizza. The St. Louis Style Pizza differs from normal pizza in that the toppings are placed right on top of the cardboard pizza box, and the inside of the box is filled with naked pictures of your mom. This style of pizza was created by Emo Phillips, although he sold the rights back in 1984 to Cecil B. DeMille, who plans to make a movie out of it later this year entitled "A Brief Treatise on the Astounding Carcinogenic Properties of Pizzicus San Luigicus, or How to Make an Aardvark Vomit."
An italian neighborhood in St. Louis named The Hill managed to make ravioli somehow taste more like vomit than it already does simply by toasting it. Joe Garagiola coined it "Ravioli Vomitti La Paste" in 1935. However, it was later renamed simply Toasted Ravioli, after the people of The Hill found out that Joe Garagiola was clinically insane and possibly a werewolf.
[edit] Sports
The city has twice won the World Under 17 Football Championship. Their Major League Bloodbath team, the St. Louis Natty-Lights have won the World Series of Bloodbath a record breaking 18 times. Their former team in the MLB, was the St. Louis Cardinals, a team known for it's rampant pimping escapades, as well as top notch rapping technique. They won 5 Tony Awards in 2007 for their roaring rendition of "Get Low." St. Louis is a hotbed for bowling as well with the National Bowling Hall of Fame & Museum located there. Reportedly, it has been visited twice since being constructed in 1452. Other sports have failed to catch on within the city, having never been able to keep a professional franchise for more than a few centuries. One exception being the eleventy billion time World Champion Ping Pong duo of "Hot" Carl Junior and Miguel "Cool Beans" Dorito-Sanchez. St. Louis has also been granted an expansion team in the Women's Foosball League (WFL) for the 2010 season. Mayor McKillinger has reportedly passed legislation that will convert one of the many homeless shelters (aka crackhouses) owned by evangelist-turned-psycho Larry Rice into a state of the art, 14-seat stadium for the new team, tentatively named St. Louis Rugmunchers.
[edit] Suburbs of St. Louis
- Chesterfield - Teenagers who are not walking billboards for Abercrombie, Hollister or similar clothing companies are shot on sight. New residents are issued (along with their 4br, 3ba house in the Valley) a GMC Yukon (because you want to support the American economy and feel safe) and ordered to change their childrens' names from the oh-so-common "Jack" and "Kate" to the unique "Logan" and "Dakota"...and it doesn't matter who gets what name. Still doesn't have a grocery store, despite having something like 3.14159 thousand people.
- Florissant - 90 percent of the population spends their free time (which is all the time, mind) bowling, smoking Parliaments and imitating Mike Shannon during Cardinals games. Unbeknownst to them, Shannon imitates a person from Florissant during broadcasts: that is to say, laughing maniacally, drinking icy-cold Budweiser (preferably out of tall boys, or one of those cold mugs you get at Walgreens that break within two days of purchase) and only occasionally making any sense.
- St. Charles - An exact smaller copy of st.louis with a bit less black people and not as much crime.
- St. Peters - A lot like st.charles except it has more money and a rec-plex.
- O'fallon - Its a much richer version of St.peters full of many preppy kids and emos this area. There is a new bulding at least every 30 seconds and thats pretty much all.
- Frontenac - Frontenac is one of the richest areas in all of St.louis and one of the richest places in the whole nation which is pretty much all there is to say about it.
- Beverly hills- A very poor area of Northern St.louis. The name Beverly hills was chosen as the name of the town as a ploy to trick richer st.louis residents in traveler over there thinking that it would be "just like 90210" only for them to realize that some crackhead stole the hubcaps to their car.
- Hazelwood- This area of St.louis county is treated like jerusalem to many residents of the neighboring St.charles and st.louis this is mostly because Hazelwood contains Lambert International Airport & St.Louis mills mall this area is also very diverse being filled with a large clusterfuck of black and white people. The schools in Hazelwood are also envied by many residents of St.charles county and St.louis county this is because the middle schools and high schools here get bomb threats every other day which leads to students doing pretty much nothing.
- Rock Hill - The speed limit here is 30 miles per hour. Anything above that and a cop will use his ticket-sense (given to them by Chief of Police Peter Parker) to find you and give you a lecture about how you compromised the safety of others. In reality, he's just allowing this "village" to attempt to justify why exactly it has its own police department, and keeping his city rolling in it.
- Kirkwood - A city of many differences. On one end is Meacham Park, which is full of black people and is generally ignored by the rest of the town (unless some kid from there can run damn fast and catch a football, in which case he is treated as a god or the second coming of Jeremy Maclin). On the other is a highly cyclical life: older gentlemen who are most often lawyers, or bankers, or own car dealerships have kids, send them to private schools known for social-climbing (either Villa, St. Joe's or Viz if it's a girl, and almost always Chaminade if the kid is a boy, although lately some renegades have been pushing their sons toward SLUH to become hipsters), have them go to public colleges (most often out-of-state, although many are heading back to Mizzou because they want to be there if and when the Tigers win anything) where they will join Greek organizations and meet boys named Chad or girls named some variation of Margaret, marry them and move back to Kirkwood, where they will take their fathers' position at the bank or law office or dealership (strictly through connections, mind, as they did nothing but drink and have buttsecks at college) and have the wifey do charity work and start the cycle over again.
- Webster Groves - Essentially like Kirkwood, but with less black people. These two towns inexplicably hate each other, which is odd because the only major difference an outsider could tell is that their downtowns have different colored banners.
- Fenton - Don't kid yourself. You've passed by it a couple times on 44 and got depressed just looking at it. If you're lucky your high school's soccer team played here in the state finals (only to lose, incomprehensibly, to Rockhurst) and it took you ten years to find a place to park. It's not all bad, though: they've got a QuikTrip, which is the greatest convenience store on Earth. Anyone who says otherwise is itching for a fight. Plus, Krispy-Kreme Is the BEST doughnut shop.
- Ladue - Where the elite meet to inbreed and spend exorbitant amounts of money on pastel-colored clothing, Sperry Top-Siders and bad haircuts (more often than not moving into Bama Bangs territory).
- Clayton - Where the elite meet to inbreed and spend exorbitant amounts of money on skinny jeans, dresses designed only to be worn with leggings, Chuck Taylors and ironic t-shirts. Twice a year, the youth (who often will end up in Williamsburg,Brooklyn living off their trust fund while attempting to become a famed blogger) of these towns play hockey against each other. The game normally isn't good, but the fights (which often tend towards all-out bloodbaths) in the crowd are why the neutrals show up--odds are you've been inadvertently pepper-sprayed at a Hounds-Rams game. It's the closest thing Americans will ever have to fights between ultras, barras bravas, whatever you want to call it.
- Oakville - The largest St. Louis suburb, Oakville is inhabited by 547,734,768 people, with the largest minority group being "White, but not as white as the rest of those assholes." Though it originally grew in size and prosperity, size increases were slowed in 1645 when former Mayor Paul Stanley redesigned the town in its current mold. It is well-known for its cultural diversity, which includes a St. Louis-area record 57 Walgreens and over seven minorities. It is well-known as a hub for local industry, with the top industries being Jack in the Box tacos, in-progress construction projects, and racism.
[edit] Southern Illinois
- Alton -
- Belleville -
- Cahokia -
- Collinsville -
- East St. Louis - The really shitty side of St.Louis that has one of the highest national crime rates even though only like 40,000 people live there.
- O'Fallon - Not to be confused with O'Fallon missouri
- Shiloh -
[edit] Famous St. Louisans
- Smooth Whyte
- Antarctica
- Maya Angelou
- Josephine Baker
- Scott Bakula
- Yogi Berra
- Yogi Bear
- Chuck Berry
- Daniel Boone (or Daniel Poon as he is known in his Porno films)
- Jack Buck
- Joe Buck
- The entire Busch family (Busch as in Anheuser Busch)
- Harry Caray
- Chingy
- Kate Chopin
- John Coltrane
- Jimmy Conners
- Bob Costas (voted Most Hated TV Personality of 1996)
- Sheryl Crow
- Miles Davis
- Phyllis Diller
- Dinosaurs - in particular, the Parasaurolophus and Giganatosaurus (because we're that badass)
- T.S. Eliot
- Energizer Bunny
- Mary Engelbreit
- Joe Garagiola
- ANNA YOUNG
- John Goodman
- Ulysses S. Grant
- Ryan Howard (2006 NL MVP and owner of the world's largest nose)
- Huey
- Jibbs
- Jabbs (Jibb's hypeman and resident Flavor Flav impersonator)
- J-Kwon
- Scott Joplin
- Kevin Kline
- Vladimir Lenin
- Charles Lindbergh
- Masters and Johnson (the world's first sex therapists)
- Murphy Lee
- Nelly
- The Penis
- Vincent Price
- Joseph Pulitzer
- Satan
- Dred Scott
- Nikko Smith
- Ozzie Smith
- Super Mario
- Bradley Taylor (a 17-year-old rugby player who owns a turtle named Justin)
- Teenwolf
- Tina Turner
- Ike Turner
- Mark Twain
- Pete Weber
- Tennessee Williams
- Doug Reuther Sr. younger, mildly retarded brother of Steve and father of Junoir
- Oprah Winfrey
- Steve Reuther Reuther Ford in Arnold
