Saint Helens
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“C'est merde, non?”
~ Napoleon on His Exile to St Helens
Hidden within the arid desert region of southern Lancashire, lies the oasis township of Saint Helens. Famed for its mixture of both tall and short people, St Helens (it is also sometimes spelt Sint Elyns) is a major stop on the great northern caravan and pilgrimage route (known as the Eastlancs Road), linking the medieval townships of Madchester and Liverpool.
Explorers from St Helens named two American locations, Las Vegas (named after famed pioneer of nutritional development, Sir John Vegas}, and the volcanic Mount St Helens (in homage to the towns own Land Refill Mountain). The town is also home to the Great Purple A'cky - a semi mythical creature of the night, making the streets and surrounding area particularly dangerous after dark.
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[edit] Local Landmarks
Visitors should view a number of local attractions including -
- The Bernie Clifton Monument
- Haddock Racing WaterPark
- Dirt Mines
- World Of Glass
- World Of Chavs
- Mick the Local Scruff
- The border of civilisation that is liverpool
- World Of Post-Industrial, Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland
- World Of Retail Parks
- Parr & Eccelston Chavs
- The mossbank strip
- Hanging Gardens of Parr
- Tatty heath
- The Caravan Site(Formerly A Rugby Ground until taken over by King Gypsey Sean Long)
- John the Welly Man
[edit] Economy
Mostly cabbage, glass with class and (formerly) some coal.
St Helens' shopping area is centred on the Parish Church around which Church Square was built in the early 1970s. Church Street, the main shopping street runs parallel to Church Square. Numerous shopping "arcades", each blessed with tradition Lancashire names such as "La Grange" and "Le Tontine" are popular haunts for the homeless and disenchanted folk of St Helens and surrounding boroughs. Most of these Shops are run by Tinkers and sell only tea leaves and acid St Helens Metropolitan Council has conveniently planned a large number of transport methods to leave the area, including train and bus services, roundabouts leading to the East Lancs Road, and the strangely titled "St Helens Linkway".
In its industrial heydey, (August 24th - August 26th 1998) St Helens was reported to be producing 2 cigars, 14 packets of cigarettes and 56 cigarllos a day. The current Duke of St Helens "Johnny Vegas" was reported to have produced every single one of these. Is this just false propoganda? No.
Saint helens is usually under attack from flying pies which are currently being launched from wigan.
[edit] How to spot a St Helener
MALE: skin-head with a badly bleached blonde fringe, earring ,shitload of ackney ,super saints tattoo eating a split "chips and peas WTF " muttering the words "i love rugger, me".. drives vauxhall cavalier ,, just your average sad twat basiclly.
FEMALE APPARENTLY: Badly bleached snow white peroxide hair with the roots showing , ponytail tons of grease in hair bet lynch style earrings ,again ackney ,ciggy hanging from gob whilst breastfeeding on each tit with 5 other kids alongside ,wearing saints home shirt ,most likely from parr or moss bank... shag at your peril!!!!!
[edit] Interesting Facts
St. Helens was founded by St Helen Mirren in 1995. When founding the town she set up a shit legendary female rugby team , a shite Cinema "Complex" called Cineworld (pronounced "sine" world) and a shite club called Bar X (pronounced 'Baaa' X) that only lets in the over 67s.
Rock Band WLCPs Bass Guitarist Len "Lennie" Balsac is St Helens most famous son, beating off stiff competition from a fat guy, a smelly guy with wellies and some guy on an ostrich. A small shubbery marks the place of his birth.
In 1815, following his defeat at Waterloo, Napoleon Bonaparte was banished to St Helens, where he was to meet his death. There has been widespread speculation as to whether he was poisoned with Arsenic or died of boredam. In 1940 his remains were returned to France in a large crate of Newcastle Brown Ale.
St Helens is twinned with Silent Hill, Belgium.
[edit] Pre Revolution (1995-2001)
In this period, St Helens political system was absolute monarchy, ruled by St Helen Mirren from her Palace at the top of Mount St Helens AKA Carmel College. Her tyrannical reign included the genocide of the Warringtonites, (49,097 in total), the brutal duels with the tribal leaders of Wigan.
In 2001 "local" "Comedian" Johnny Vegas led a communist revolution, with his good friend and colleage of the ITV digital adverts, Monkey (pronounced "Monkeh").
[edit] Post Revolution (2001 - PRESENT DAY)
The present day St. Helens is run as a communist dictatorship, led by Johnny Vegas, also known as "The Duke of Communism, the Fuhrer of the Fatherland, and The Fattest Comedian since No-One". His government consists of his lifetime friend Monkey (Head of Propaganda), Lord Crank (Head of Moustaches), Sir Beechams Clock (Head of the State's newspaper, The Guardian) and Pilkshead Office (Head of Sport)
The state can be simply described as flourishing. Who would have thought this about the state which Oscar Wilde described as in his speech in 1996, "an absolute shithole". Who knows whats in store for this industrial, agrarian place?
This was adapted from the Fahlings formation, which is raved upon by Sir Beechams Clock (Head of the State's newspaper, The Guardian)
It is rumoured that St Helens has been eaten by the powerful domination nation of Wigan in a battle for Billinge,But thats another story you beautiful people.
^Only Smarties have the answers#
| Ancient Palatine of Lancashire | ||
| Lancaster | Burnley | Padiham | Liverpool | St Helens | Wigan Preston | Manchester | Blackpool | Rochdale | Stockport | 
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[edit] Additional information
St Helens is twinned with Silent Hill, Lancashire Also twinned with keighley west yorkshire ,two peas in a pod and all that
Famous inhabitants
Netty Noos aka Rose West - savage with fork at fifty feet. Runs St Helens only sweat shop
