Stairway to Heaven
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“My one weakness...”
~ Professor X on Stairs
“Why not an elevator?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Stairway to heaven
“Way overrated...”
~ Satan on Stairway to Heaven
“It's a very long stairway”
~ Midjit on the stairway to heaven
“whats the big deal, its not that big”
~ God on his stairway
The Stairway to Heaven or, as the French would say, Le Stairway to Heaven, is the world's tallest pedestrian staircase, located in Daytona Beach, Mesopotamia.
(Many say that it served as the primary inspiration for the name of a cool-ass song by Rolf Harris. But some things to be said about the so-called song is that most beginning guitarists can't play it, so quit trying to look cool by picking up a random guitar in a guitar shop and fumbling through it, you idiot. (Although that that is true, if and only if there was one beginning tune that a guitarist should be able to play, it would have to be Stairway to Heaven.))
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[edit] History
Construction of the megalithic structure began in 2222 BCE during the Hammurabi administration. Work was temporarily halted due to a minor setback involving the utter confounding of all human and computer programming languages but was resumed some 4,200 years later. The Stairway eventually reached the staggering height of 14,027,930,440 light years and was ceremonially opened to the public by Pope John Paul II in 1999.
Later that year, the pope himself managed to climb, totally unassisted, all 435,405,624,642,336,484,975,821,701 (the steps are of course 1 foot long and 1 foot high as intended by Stan himself) steps for a private chat with Jesus at the top. However, he had to cut the historic meeting short because he was feeling a bit light-headed from the exertion.
In early 2002, the multi-billionaire tycooness Martha Stewart attempted a leverage buy-out of the Stairway, reportedly because she was convinced that it was made of pure gold due to its glittering appearance. Even though the local business establishments were closed for the Islamic holidays at the agreed time of sale, Stewart felt that, quote, "With a word I can get what I came for, dammit!". Unfortunately, the deal fell through because of Stewart's conflict of interest with her exclusive line of retail magical forest hallucinogenics.
A songbird in a tree by the brook was singing, but nobody noticed. Sometimes all I can think of is Miss Givens. Now there's a lady who's sure!
Hopes to use the Stairway as a source of alternative energy production were dashed when the University of Rochester determined that slinkies almost always stopped about 194,234,850,544,945,453 steps from the bottom, +/- 50. As a result, the energy production was insufficient to break even with the cost of shooting them up to the top on board war surplus Minuteman II rockets.
The first story of the alleged "Stairway Accending Towards Heaven" was about a lady who was passionate about proving that all that glitters is gold, and tried to buy the Stairway. She was previously trained as a druglord, and if the stores were all closed, with actually a couple words, "I got the goods", she would be able to get what she came for. But she didn't.
When she got their at around 3:20 am. there was a sign on the door, but she wanted to be sure, because as you know, sometimes words have two meanings. In bold, the sign read "CLOSED", but backwards the sign read DESOLC. Also, because E=MC2, she was able to decode the message, "I almost tricked you didn't I? Walk to the big tree, but be careful for the songbird by the brook, she's dangerous."
Ignoring the last part, the lady walked right to the tree, meeting a big songbird. Her tune was beautiful, but the ladies body was not, after the songbird opened up a can of whoop a** on her big 'ol nasty body.
[edit] Future expansion
Because of popular demand, the Vatican has recently authorised the construction of the subterranean equivalent to the Stairway. Excavation will begin in 2010, and the route will be known as the Highway to Hell. Saint Peter also submitted plans for a neighboring 'Stairlift to Heaven' intended for the physically disabled, but the project was summarily rejected following a Building Preservation Notice being served on the original stairway (ostensibly to maintain its serene symmetry and architectural integrity).
Also abortive was work on the 'Stairway from Heaven' which is widely believed on the basis of forecast traffic flows to be a complete waste of money. The forecast flows were zero. Consultants working on that project have however been attracted to work on provisional designs for a hyperspace bypass that would carry traffic directly from Heaven to Hell. There is a requirement for such a route to cater for persons inadvertently admitted to Heaven due to administrative oversight or incompetence when they ought to have been assigned to Hell. The first stage of this by-pass terminates at a service station known as limbo which is slowly becoming squalid and overcrowded, rather like most other service stations in fact. Rumours suggest that future sections of the by-pass might be constructed by Vegans and could even involve the demolition of the Earth.
[edit] Controversies
- There have been rumours that, due to lack of funding for the stairway, it would be going on sale to the public, namely a mysterious woman reportedly holding the scientific belief that all things with lustre are, in fact, made of pure gold.
- At the base of the Stairway, there is a sign on the wall, but no one is sure what means, And you know sometimes words have two meanings.
- A total of 31 people have died on the Stairway of starvation due to all of the stores being closed.
- Due to a severe underspend by the Ministry of Celestial Travel, during the period 1982-1987 numerous signs were fitted to the parapets, many of which displayed double entendres. Many travelers could not be sure which of the two possible meanings was the more relevant, resulting in raised voices "of those who stand looking". A number of people attempted to follow "rings of smoke through the trees" which led to several substances being confiscated. It makes me wonder. Shortly afterwards the ambiguous signs were removed and a Building Preservation Notice was served to deter further ambiguity and structural damage.
- In 1985 a telescope was built on top looking to the west. However, many people said looking through it made their spirit cry for leaving. The telescope was thus taken down in 1991, due to disuse and neglect.
- Promises that a new day will dawn for those who stand long were ruled to be unsound in 1992 since these would, if delivered, clearly discriminate against the interests of those unable to stand long due to extreme youthfulness, extreme age, or other physical conditions (not necessarily long-term).
- A case brought by nature conservation groups regarding the related conditional promise of "forests echoing with laughter" and their probable adverse impact upon the breeding patterns of wild birds was dropped in 1993, following the above-mentioned High Court ruling on equal opportunities.
- In 1994, it was discovered that under certain circumstances the number of steps required to reach the top would be based solely on the total number of first degree murders that one had accidentally committed throughout his lifetime.
- In 1995, following the discovery of tin foil, it was conclusively proved that all that glitters is not gold. The lady in question was informed but refused to changed the lyrics, countering that everything still turns to gold.
- In 1996, as some people could not find their way on the stairway, it was decided to hire a guide for these people. But the most qualified person to take over this role was a piper, who claimed to lead people to reason by calling them to join him - moreover, in case they didn't know as, due to the high climb, some people had their heads humming and it wouldn't go.
- In June of 1999, the Stairway to Heaven was at risk of demolition by Hell's Angels, a gang of physically disabled people who had been unable to climb the staircase and were sent to Hell instead - reportedly to keep them away from the media. Complaints soon evaporated when the gang realized that there were free drinks, quality food, and many recreational activities available in Hell. The Devil removed all three services in the 2002 remodeling.
- It is rumored that somewhere on this mythical staircase is a tool shed, where Satan himself is often found, in his words, "...dealing with life's problems".
- Early in 2005 the Stairway was briefly closed, due to unconfirmed reports of a bustle in a nearby hedgerow. Department of Homeland Security officials destroyed the hedgerow using napalm, but forensic examinations later established that the disturbance was just a spring clean for the May Queen, so there was no cause to be alarmed at all.
- Later in 2005 reports that there are two paths that you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on, were quashed in a report by the traffic survey committee, who proved that if you took one of the paths that it would end up in you Going to California and that the only way to get back was to walk back along the path to the said stairway. On the plus side, there was plenty of room at the hotel.
- After some time, it was discovered that walking up the stairway backwards would take you straight to Hell against all expectations. Many prominent theologians also claim that if you walk down the stairway backwards, you will become a pawn of the devil. Therefore, you would most likely be screwed either way. However, the current owners dismiss this as a "mere coincidence".
- Two terrible events almost ripped down the Stairway to Heaven. One such event that occurred was planes fly overhead were shot down and went down like a lead zeppelin almost hitting the base of the stairway, by doing this it made the wall next the the stairway harder to read and creating more homonyms. The other event that occurred in June of 2005 was when the levee's began to break around the stairway. After which left many people devastated, in turn rumors have it that construction could start earlier than expected (2010).
[edit] Plagiarism Accusation
In 1977, after the band's release of Led Zeppelin FORE, deadbeat loser Jackson Leist sued Led Zeppelin for plagiarising his song Spatula to Heaven. Due to a technicality (the judge died while banging his girl err I mean gavel) the case was never resolved, leaving Leist broke with no way to pay for his serious moonrock addiciton. And you know what? Nobody cares. The lyrics are as follows:
There's a lady who's sure
All that glitters is magma
And she's speaking a love to heaven.
When she gets there she bakes
If the balloons are all closed
With a lint she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's crankleing a home theater system to heaven.
There's a contraband on the wall
But she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes entropys have two meanings.
In a exit sign by the brook
There's a camera who sings,
Sometimes all of our yellow submarines are misleading.
Ooh, it makes me revolt,
Ooh, it makes me excruciate.
There's a feeling I get
When I look to the death,
And my spirit is burninateing for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of lockpick through the trees,
And the facepalms of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me sanctify,
Ooh, it really makes me exterminate.
And it's litigateed that soon
If we all call the Suzuki
Then the pie will lead us to reason.
And a new rake will dawn
For those who stand long
And the VCRs will echo with laughter.
If there's a bustle in your love
Don't be exemplifyed now,
It's just a sprinkling for Pablo Picasso.
Yes, there are two US Navy aircraft carriers you can go by
But in the long run
There's still time to change the computer you're on.
And it makes me complement.
Your head is navigateing and it won't go
In case you don't know,
The neverland's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the terracotta blow,
And did you know
Your Goblin Glider lies on the pwning dystopia.
And as we steal on down the entropy
Our arthritis's pyrrhicer than our prostate.
There walks a deity of personal preference we all know
Who shines sanguine light and wants to show
How ev'rything still turns to anything.
And if you listen very hard
The gamelan will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a electric toothbrush and not to w00t.
And she's buying a spatula to heaven.
