Joseph Stalin
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“Well he's the nicest guy ever, is he?”
“Bugger.”
~ Adolf Hitler on seeing Stalin's army
“Pwnage look at my kill/death ratio 6000000/1.”
~ Joseph Stalin
“Stalin? I'm sure i've got a quote about him somewhere”
| Joey S |
|---|
 |
| Enjoys: sitting, long walks on the beach, genocide |
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| Birth Date: Why would you want to know?
The KGB Finds this action, entirely too "Kulak" like. |
| Eye Colour: The Flames of Hell itself. |
| Party: every Saturday night, comrade! |
| Childhood Idol: Muhammed Ali |
| Favourite Song: "I'm the Scatman" (He often played it
during the fiercest Battles of WWII) |
| Favourite Food: Kremlin Fried Chicken |
| Favourite Television Programme: Teletubbies |
Joseph Napoleonovich Stalin, ☭, also known as An Idiot, was a celebrated philantrophist and the king of Russia in the period 1924-1953. He had no other real names like Iosef Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili (Georgian: Таварыш Сталын) and certainly did not kill more than 25 million soviet people during his regime not from 1922 and not up to his death in 1953. He was not a dictator and ruled in the name of the People, and he is absolutely not known as one of the leading figures of Genocide in Modern History. If you think otherwise, you will be forcedly taken away from your house at 3:00 AM tonight and questioned by the KGB about all those times when you drank and drove home, then sent to Gulag and executed by the Russian winter. In fact, anything bad about Stalin that you have heard was invented by Joseph McCarthy and Stalin's Mortal Enemy: Leon Trotsky.
Stalin enjoyed many unspecified "activities" in his free time. This is why many experts believe that Stalin's real name was Frank and that he was from Norwich. He also enjoyed croquet and eating chicken while watching peasants eat each other in regular battles to the death.
What he mainly did, however, was establish the Great Soviet In the Sky, fight for the workers, and generally be better then you. It should be understood that no matter what you do, you can never surpass his greatness, and that upon getting up everyday it is the right that he gave to you to praise his likeness (which should always be present in every room of your home). He also won World War II. He singlehandedly brought down the hordes of German nazis that pretended to be as great as Joseph, using only his moustache comb, and a bottle of Vodka. But this did NOT happen, okay?
Stalin was a Mid-20th Century Russian composer of Viennese operettas and Mexican rumbas, teen idol, and mustache magnate. Born in the Georgian province of the Southern United States, Stalin is best known for the Ooby Dooby, the Hanky Panky, invading Israel, lying to and torturing people, locking up political opponents and ignoring international opinion. His name means "Man of Steel." in other words, he once was a Moscovian superhero protecting the city from Dr. Octoczar along with Lenin the Baldman, but he then grew fat and threw his outfit out. But of course, this also is untrue.
Stalin is also known as the first head-transplant donor. In 1958 Soviet scientists exhibited a dog with two heads, one of which had been surgically grafted on and was barking independently and snapping at the other. Few realized that this operation was in preparation for the transplant of Josef's head onto the shoulders of a brave loyal young "volunteer" (head to be discarded) who would thus prolong his life and leadership. The success of this operation is a closely-guarded secret of the tiny scientific cell in a remote cave in Georgia, where the "new Stalin," who had too many paralysis problems to maintain power in 1953 but managed to substitute his double for embalming, waits (body aged 69, head 128 in 2006) for another body "donor" to resume his career... But you wouldn't know anything about this would you?
[edit] Really Early Life
Stalin lived to cum on marios face. Stalin was born in 1879 to Vladimir Lobachevsky and Renditittie Huff, both members of an early Aryan supremacist group. They had plans to raise their child in seclusion while they developed cloning technology in order to ultimately lead to a completely Aryan human race. These intentions were foiled, however, upon the birth of Stalin, with his distinctive Asian eyes and a two foot black afro from birth. Stalin's mother died from excessive bleeding of the vagina, due mainly to the wiriness of his Afro, and its strength; because of this we will never know whether Stalin's appearance was a genetic abnormality or a result of ex-marital relations of his mother. His unusual rat's penis is also problematic. Soon after the birth, Stalin's father died of a broken heart after two weeks pining in the wilderness. Young Josef was left to fend for himself.
Fortunately, a friendly family of bluebirds nursed him, two of these happened to be the bluebird Timur McArdle Ismaguilov and his lovely sister Natasha, feeding him worms and other morsels, and treating him as one of their own. At the age of 2, Stalin killed and ate these birds, deriving from it enough sustenance to go out into the world and find a job, having been idle for so long. Still, Stalin would carry the memory of his parents with him in later life, and it would be the main factor behind his decision to become a plastic surgeon and change his appearance irreparably.
[edit] Childhood
At age seven, Joey's heart was set on catching The Golden Snitch, but things didn't work out to plan, so he just started planning his communist regime.
At the age of ten Joey was shipped to stay with his aunt in Tampere where he first met a young man named John Lenin. Joey and John hit it off immediately bonding over German philosopher Karl Marx's 'Communist Manifesto', They were part of the highly important band The Beatles, along with Senator Paul McCarthy and Ringo Ivankov. Their biggest success came in 1968 with "Back in the USSR," but later that year they split up, citing creative differences. John would later devote his his time to his major project the USSR which Stalin would join in his later years. When Stalin turned eleventy, he went on to get a higher education at Sacred Heart University where he learned how to drink Vodka like a Russian. It was at this point in his life that he began to believe that Russians were Superior to Georgians and everyone else in the world. It was also around this time that he developed a hearty appetite for genocide, and first discovered the joys of drinking human blood. Also around this time, he was voted MVP of the school's Proletarian class struggle team.
It is little known that what looks to be a moustache on Stalin's upper lip is actually a hamster which became attached after the young Joseph had been sniffing glue before playing with his pet rodent. The hamster survived by feeding off crumbs and snot that collected around Stalin's mouth and nose, and actually outlived him by three minutes.
[edit] Young Adulthood
It was around 1920 when Joey initiated his 35 year plan: to get a job, move out of his parents basement, be allowed to attend the The First International Boogie Down and get a girlfriend. He failed to reach any of his objectives in the first 2 years of his 5 year plan, though he did manage to win the Soviet championship of beaver shaving in 1921.
It was early 1923 when his five year plan got kicked into high gear. With the death of Lenin, there was a job opening as supreme tyrant of the Soviet Union. After a lot of nagging by his aunt, he dropped off an application for the position. A week later he got a call back and was offered the position. Two years after becoming the absolute leader of the Soviet Union he accomplished his second goal by moving out of his aunt's basement and into the Kremlin. This is also around the time where he instituted the National Vodka Program, the greatest alcoholic beverage production period known to man, Stalin got the idea for this project when he accidentally knocked a beet into a cask full of piss, and found it to taste exactly like Vodka.
This was not Stalin's only groundbreaking accomplishment. He also designed the uniform of the Soviety Galactic Battle Fleet, which earned him the status of Grand Proletarian Lord of Fashion as well as many many Cool Points.
[edit] Political Career
It is common knowledge that Stalin invented Nu Rave and based all his political views on the wonderes of Neon. There are many vicious rumours that Stalin was not Nu Rave and was in fact a scenester. This is the biggest lie in existence (excluding your Mum telling you that you were a pretty baby. When he died, Stalin was buried in a Nu Rave coffin in a neon pink shroud.
Stalin originally won control of the National Communist Workers Party of Russia by beating his rival, Leon Trotsky in a drinking contest. While Trotsky was well-known in the party for drinking bars dry of their tequila, Stalin finally beat his rival in the drinking contest by drinking six cases of straight vodka - warm- and putting an ice pick through his opponent's skull. Stalin ( the first version) was then replaced by Stalin BETA which was replaced with Stalin 2.0 as its predecessors proved to be buggy. Apple tried to compete by releasing iComm ( "Communism in the Palm of Your Hand" ) which, fo shizzle, went poorly.
As a founding member of the Dagonized Party Of Lower Europa Bordering Eastern Uzbezikstan of Russia, used his power to mock Chancellor Adolf Hitler's moustache drawing him into war. The war was looking bleak for Stalin and the Soviets until the Battle ' Stalingrad' in which Joey single handedly fought off the Germans with a fireplace poker in an epic battle which the world hadn't seen the likes of since the gods of ancient Greece battled in the shadow of Mount Olympus. It was this battle that earned Stalin the coveted title of Time Magazine's 'Man of the Year,' sharing the honour with another great leader, George W. Bush.
After defeating Germany, Joey was weary of war and decided to take some personal time, cutting the Soviet Union off from the rest of the world for the next 50 years, alhough this caused tension with the United States because he never called anymore. During this period he ruled the motherland with an iron hand. Of course, this led to a nuclear arms race. (Later in the century the entire idea would seem preposterous, since you would obviously need nuclear legs to race.)
[edit] Battles with Hitler, Tarzan, and Rick James (Bitch!)
Stalin spent many long years battling to take the jewelled city Stalingrad (now Akron, OH), as Hitler and Tarzan, Stalingrad's renowned crimefighting duo raced to the city's defense.
Tarzan used his almighty programming powers (as king of the Apps) to blindside Stalin with a constant stream of deliberately obfuscated PERL code and circular references. This caused Stalin's demonic mount, The Kremlin, to falter in its juggernautical stride towards the city, allowing Hitler to stride in and attack with his massive armies (which he had previously carefully hidden in his massive sleevies).
Hitler used his zerg rush tactics to swiftly move a massive military presence across the Soviet border. The invasion opened up a second front for Hitler's conquest and was untimely as the harsh Soviet winter settled in. Tarzan, wearing only a loin cloth and not acclimated to the cold, retreated as the first flakes of snow fell. Hitler had difficulty maintaining his supply routes due to bad weather, and millions of his soldiers held Donner Parties where they ate one another. Several millions more soldiers died from hypothermia or were crushed to death as they "double dog dared" one another to lick the tracks of their tanks.
After completing a correspondance course on voodoo, Stalin used the Zombie Rasputin to rout the remaining German forces in Kursk, Lithuania, Ukraine, Poland, Kekkoslovakia, Hungary, Yugoslavia, Ethiopia, Alaska and Texas. Ultimately Hitler retreated in disgrace and Stalin annexed East Germany.
Hitlers Moustache was furious at these events, Stalin on the other hand, had his moustache prouldly displayed in Red Square.
[edit] Rivalry with Doug E. Doug
Joseph Stalin's battles with former "Cosby" show veteran Doug E. Doug have become the stuff of legend. Stalin began the war of words in 1991 when he claimed that Doug E. Doug's acting on the show was "sub-par." Stalin, a longtime Bill Cosby fan, became disenfranchised with his favorite television program and he took out his frustrations publicly on Doug E. Doug, whom he considered to be the weak link on the show.
Doug battled back and challenged Stalin to a no time limit steel cage deathmatch at Super Bowl III. Though Stalin declined the offer, the seeds were sewn for an epic showdown between the two.
Their eventual confrontation took place on Mount Olympus in front of a then-record 294 million people for control of the southern hemisphere. They decided that they would settle their differences with a best-of-three Connect Four competition.
While the crowd watched with baited breath, Joseph Stalin won the series when he successfully completed a diagonal four-in-a-row. His Russian thugs apprehended Doug and cut off his dreadlocks, which are now displayed at the Taj Mahal. Doug was sent into exile into the Rosie O'Donnel Sex Dungeon, where he died.
After his death, Stalin took pity on his late rival, saying "he was the best damned enemy I ever had." In his honor, Stalin had Doug E. Doug's body preserved and displayed next to Lenin.
Soon after, Stalin pondered how Doug E. Doug would've tasted while alive. Feeling the side-affects of depression as he realized he would never have the experience of eating a live Doug E. Doug, Stalin took up the common and addictive practice of baby eating. This unfortunate addiction lasted up until his death.
[edit] Saint Stalin the Mighty
It is a well known fact that vodka and orthodox Ukranians made up the majority of Stalin's diet.
"Youuush like iet? Cas I knoww ya..." -Stalin
It is also a widely known fact that Stalin revolutionized Russian cooking by coming to the conclusion that they could not grow any food that tasted good, so they might as well just get drunk.
[edit] The Great Binges and Purges
In order to consolidate his power, Stalin began the great binges and purges in 1929 with Trotsky. Stalin invited Trotsky over for dinner and drank a bucket of borscht and two crates of Chateau Le Fonte. When a KGB agent disguised as a waiter placed a wafer-thin mint in Stalin's mouth, he vomitted the vile contents of his stomach all over Trotsky's Sean Jean white jogging suit. The KGB agent snapped a picture and it was published above the fold on the next day's issue of Pravda. The disgraced Trotsky went into exile in Germany, and swore revenge stating: "Dat bitch don' know what he started".
The binge and purge method proved so effective for Stalin he used it to liquidate previous opponents who had capitulated and submitted to him. Stalin credited Calista Flockhart with introducing him to this powerful political tool.
US President George H. W. Bush later adopted Stalin's tactic in order to depose the prime minister of Japan. Inside kitchen stadium, Bush ate two bowls of shark fin soup and three deep fried foie gras patties and vomitted all over Japanese prime minister Akira Kurosawa.
[edit] Music career
Although it is little known, Stalin starred in a Rock Group known as "The Bolshevists" He starred as the lead singer, however the other members of the group began to get credit as part of his band. So one by one they were liquidated and the history of the group was re-written as a solo act featuring Stalin. The Great Leader then started an Indie-Pop-Alternitive-Grunge-Techno-Emo-Heavy-Nu-Old-Speed-Acid-Country-Western-Metal band, Joey S and The Commie Pinko Rat Bastards (or NAMBLA for short). The band was made up of lead singer and bassist Joey Stalin, drummer Steve Carell, key-boardist Edgar Winter, sitarist Jimi Hendrix, harmonica player Your Mom, violin player Iggy Pop, and on the AK-47 You.
[edit] Stalin's Radio Show
Having been frozen for years following being sacked from the Beatles, Stalin was awakened from his icy tomb by the fiery laser blasts of the N*sync star, a massive superweapon left over from the Boy Band War era. Waking up in suburban Indiana, the ex-Communist sadomasochist-turned-musician-turned-some-other-shit decided that he would bring his message of proletarian wisdom and supreme ass-kicking to the airwaves as well as reinvent the sound of his fledgling band, Joey S and The Commie Pinko Rat Bastards.
Suggestions From Stalin, was aired from a secret undergroud bunker in Rhino's Youth Club. From this station he infected the minds of the Bloomington Youth and founded Harmony Alternitive High School. The southern savannahan fjords of Jabooty appreciated Stalin's warm-hearted messages of stinkyfootism and the llamatron herdsmen of Updadumpar tuned in bi-yearly to make strange clicking sounds whenever Stalin spoke. Some say you can still hear their screams clicking.
One night, a caller asked Stalin how he handled all the struggles of his life and other difficult tasks. Stalin replied, "I ask God to give me the strength to carry on. Hail Communism!"
Oh, and System Of A Down liked the show.
Stalin was given a bitter cease-and-desist order by Cobra Commander, head of the FCC, in 1956. The order simply read "OMGSTFU!" in invisible ink. The bitter allegations of cross-breeding and dinosaur cannibalism were too much for Stalin and he self-combusted, re-forming into particulate matter too fine to be discerned with the human eye.
[edit] Stalin's Hosting Career and Chain of Shops
With the conclusion of Stalin's radio show, Stalin went into TV hosting and entrepreneurship
Stalin was also a notable game show producer, among his greatest shows was Double Jeopardy, where players with a negative score were forced to pay him and players with a positive score were prevented from saying it in public. No bodies were found.
One of Stalin's other game shows was a Gulag favorite, Meal or No Meal, which was canceled due to a lack of food, despite it being notoriously popular among the workers. Other notable shows include Russian Roulette - Semi-Automatic Edition, which ended in disaster for the contestants, and Very High Stakes Poker, where contestants bet their life.
Stalin also started a chain of shops, which included Marx and Spencer - The Luxury Shop for the Discerning Communist Wal-Marx (see below) - The Communist Bargain Shop KGB - When you're russian for food, there's no time for Stalin
[edit] Stalinwood
He won an Oscar for Best Actor and had a city named after him (UnicornLand). Where Ponies run free in the meadow. While filming his second movie, Stalin's career in Hollywood was cut short when he was called back to Russia for undisclosed reasons. And I'm the king of france.
[edit] Stalin's Moustache
Joey got his mustache at the age of nine, as a physical reaction to the death of his beloved goldfish Romeo.
Recent discoveries have lead political scientists to believe that the mustache is actually an alien symbiote that causes people to become successful dictators. By running photo comparisons, scientists have determined Stalin's mustache was originally found on Marx, then later found its was to Vladimir Lenin's face, after which Lenin caused the rise of the Communist state in post-Imperial Russia. The mustache then migrated to Stalin's face after Lenin's death. When Stalin combusted in 2003, his mustache survived, and is currently in the possession of Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Over the years it has been seen on many people such as: God, Super Mario and Sportacus. many people of the Stupidoticidrtkgod and Kimyrikenen religions believe that it was sportacus who assassinated Stalin . However, these people lack the brain capacity to realize that it was his mustache that creeped down his throat while he was at a gig with Kasabien and pulled out his ovaries.
After this incident Stalin spontaneiously combusted yet again and became "Spotacus. It was the absence of Stalin's ovaries that gave him the accent no could decipher. In the Sportacus form, Salins mustache was under the conrol of the ocupants of channel one and two. Stalins Mustache was told to brainwash the children of Russia. However the plan backfired and the mustache became shrunk and pointed, bearing some resemblance to Hitler's mustache.
After this, Stalin studied German and began to yodel and developed a passion for bratwurst and sauerkraut. In 1953, the death of Stalin was announced, but in fact it was a Stalin double who had died. Stalin went incognito in order to devote himself to Catholic mysticism and playing the kazoo. A great scientific genius, Stalin recovered secret Nazi plans to shrink Russia to the size of a postage stamp and decided to have a frappacino at the Calebresi version of Starbucks instead of dancing to "Fly Me To The Moon" with Ethel Merman's uglier sister.
Documents have recently been declassified which show that after the German defeat of Stalingrad in early 1943, Stalin secretly sent out peace feelers to Der Fuehrer while having a shvitz with Golda Meir and Ronald Reagan. Nothing came of this, as Hitler insisted that Germany keep the Northern half of Lower Slobovia, which of course Stalin rejected. Besides that, Stalin insisted that Hitler turn over all his audio/video archives of The Three Stooges, which the Nazi Leader could not, in good conscience, agree to.
In 1922, after Mussolini's victory in Italy, Stalin decided to study the non-Amish version of the Pennsylvania Dutch language, as he, Stalin, was of the opinion that milkmaids and dairy farms are "nifty." Just before the beginning of the Battle of Berlin in April, 1945, knowing that Russian casualties would be high, possibly near one million dead, Stalin again sent a message to Hitler, asking Hitler for an armistice, on condition that Hitler leave Germany within 90 days after cessation of hostilities, that the Germans be taught to play the kazoo, that two hundred American dollars be deposited in a secret Swiss bank account for Stalin, and that Hitler and Eva Braun open up a donut shop in Argentina to be called Tanks For The Memories, or My Favourite Marching. Adolf Hitler, Fuehrer and Chancellor of the Third Reich, thought all conditions to be acceptable, but Eva Braun refused to work in a donut shop, as she preferred a cafe.
Stalin tried one last time to come to a separate peace with Hitler on his birthday, April 20, 1945. The teletype message received at the bunker from Stalin read, "Fuehrer! Germany is almost defeated STOP Unless you agree to a game of tiddly winks with the ghost of Franklin Rossevelt and his Momma at Potsdam on April 29 this year, the USSR will have no choice but to wipe out fascists and hold all war criminals to account for their machinations STOP I have no wish to kill you, as I would like to see you naked in a cage on display at Moscow Zoo for five years after which you will be permitted to emigrate to Brazil. If you reject these demands you will be shot on sight STOP Hoping that you will accept these terms I remain Generalissimo Stalin, Dictator of the USSR. In Jesus's Holy Name. Amen.
Having already decided on suicide, Eva Braun convinced the Fuehrer, whom she had recently married, to reject this offer, as she was convinced by Heinrich Himmler's maid, Zelda von Schnickel, that she, Eva Braun, and Hitler would meet God Almighty after their suicide and be offered the planet Finkelschtodt in the Orion system, if only they agreed to "populate the planet and be a good boy [and girl]".
[edit] Kevin Conklin's Drumming Career
Stalin was last seen as a drummer for Elvis sometime in the seventies, and it is widely believed that they are now working on a new album in the basement of the Kremlin. Kevin Conklin likes to beat Stalin's drum, All Night Long...
Kevin Cocklick... uh, Conklin was a bum on the streets of New York beating his little jamacian drums in the Amboy Road as stalin was planning to send plans for 9/11 (Damn you, Stalin!) to Osmama Bin Laden, he heard his "jammin" drums being played. Stalin brought him to the USSR to start its first Inde- Rock/ Emo band- The Steel Man's lips- and a (forced) radio repeat called "With Russia From Love" until Stalin's death in the 1950's. You can hear this song on the NJ 101.5's Worst Christmas Songs of the Century.
[edit] Stalin's Clone
In the early sixties Stalin realised he would be unable to complete his life goals in one lifetime and would need another. It was with this in mind that he travelled to Kamino and began costly process of cloning. The result was one Ivan Drago. Drago after a course in steroids would theoretically have been able to enage in combat with the giants of reality: Chuck Norris; Bowser; Steven Seagal; Donkey Kong etc. In a show of arrogance Stalin sent his uncompleted Russian Superman to America to find and destroy the symbol of capitalism, James Brown, unfortunately for Stalin local Lando Calrissian look-alike Apollo Creed stepped in and was killed, giving Brown enough time to escape. Drago returned to Russia in shame and underwent his next treatment to augment his physical capabilities. James Brown was able to enlist the help of Jedi Knight Rocky Balboa to stop Drago before he could get to him. Rocky challenged Drago to a boxing match in Moscow. Stalin jumped at the chance to destroy Coruscant’s symbol of power and sent a uncompleted Drago to combat Rocky and neglected his final treatment of steroids. The fight ended with Balboa using the force to put Drago into a coma. The current whereabouts of Stalin's clone are unknown as are the details relating to his consciousness. It is fair to say that Stalin lost the game in this incident. The greatest loss being the Moustache that at first grew on Drago's face from Stalin's Gene's fell out, thanks to the steroids.
[edit] Stalin's Magic Career
One of Stalin's less well-publicized hobbies was magic tricks, particularly making things disappear. Starting off with that inconvenient will of Lenin's, Stain soon moved onto greater things. After 'vanishing' Trotsky, Stalin's skills grew to the point where he could 'mysteriously' vanish up to twenty million people, old Bolsheviks, political rivals and so on, using only the magic words "Tek thees peepl awaye too bi shot in the heed" and "Tek thees peepl awaye to the gulags". Copycat performer Adolf Hitler never quite reached the same heights as Stalin, due to his always being given smaller venues, such as most of Europe, to practice his skills in. Nevertheless, he still managed a large number of "mysterious vanishings".
[edit] Mars rescue
Joseph Stalin is one of the three people who can rescue you from Mars after you discharge a Pee fart.
[edit] Stalin's Achievements
Unknown to many people, Stalin was the sole inventor and pioneer of dancing which is a fun and enjoyable activity. He also stopped the rampage of, and defeated ice in 1947. Ice, in its tame and controlled state, is now only used for transporting kidneys, and cooling your beverage .
Stalin was also a registered proctologist, and was crucial to the development of the "Enema of the People," a public colon-cleansing booth. One of the few remaining booths can be found in Asstana, capital of Kizass-stan.
Stalin also set the record for most Grammy nominations with 2,467, winning on 342 occasions. All of these were for his series of spoken word albums, "People I Have Killed," on which he recited the names of his victims in chronological order from start to finish.
For unknown reasons, volume 2,468 has been put on hold indefinitely, possibly due to a royalty dispute with the estate of Lavrenti Beria. Stalin ALSO ran a drug factory, where ape-eating babies stewed rabbits and smoked them. This later lead to chronic indegestion.
[edit] Random Stalin facts
- A lot of people think Stalin passed away in 1953, but he was last seen playing the guitar on a concert with Elvis Presley in 1973.
- Beat Hitler and Genghis Khan twelve years in a row in the Best Moustache, Dictator Edition competition.
- Sacha Baron Cohen based his character Borat on Stalin in his 'early years.' Jagshamash!
- Even Stalin said the Iraq war would be a bad idea. He said "It was a very poorly planned assualt. I would've killed everyone, not just the dangeruos folk. Hang on . . ."
- HE LOVED HIS BITCHES!!!!
- Stalin also became a term to describe early and present day cars made by Ford
- was a master balalaika player.
- Stalin grew his moustache so he could trap cookie crumbs and other small pieces of food in it so if he was peckish later, he could take some out and eat.
- was drinking buddies with FDR.
- attempted to create a race of monkey-soldiers to fight in wars.
- credited with the invention of Coca-Cola, Red Bull and vodka by Soviet propagandists.
- kept Martin Borman in his dacha for entertainment purposes.
- claimed to be "bigger than Jesus"; this quote was later stolen by John Lennon of the Beatles.
- was actually a really swell guy.
- stood 10'11," weighed 422 lbs, and his measurements were 72-66-74.
- put ketchup on everything.
- Founder of 'The Dictator's Miracle 'Tash Growth Remedy', which gained well-known fans such as Hitler, Saddam Hussein and Jennifer Lopez.
- enjoyed the novels of Dean R. Koontz.
- Liked to slow dance with Beria during his all-night parties.
- liked to chew his toenails.
- While attending the University of Hell, Stalin failed his 'Reading' degree; because he misread the Communist Manifesto and believed it was about flesh-eating mass murder.
- served as mentor to a young Anakin Skywalker.
- was fluent in Urdu, Mat, Esperanto, and Swahili.
- had a pet goldfish named Lumpy.
- invented the circular saw, multi track recording, class warfare, the remote control, and gravy.
- is sad because while he killed the most people, Hitler was still been voted more evil.
- idolized Garfield, adopting his love of lasagna and hatred of Mondays.
- Was secret long-lost brother to Borat.
- Had a sister named Margaret Thatcher They did not get along well.
- Was actually a wrestler in the WWE for Smackdown under the codename,"Brock Lesnar"
- Once walked on water, then turned it into wine.
- Birth name was Josef Stallone but he changed it so as to disassociate himself from his son, Sylvester Stallone.
- Lost a three-legged race with Gandhi, against Einstein and Stan Laurel.
- Devoured salted human brains whenever he felt like it
- Was announced for Super Smash Bros. Brawl on April 27 2007, but was later put in as a Mario clone.
- Had a moustache comb for every day of the year, and the rare limited Edition "Leap-Year Comb".
- His moustache was actually a separate entity called Gregor
- Invented ballroom dancing, which is why it is only enjoyed by Communists.
- Known to dance to the tetris song.
- Commonly referred to all non-Communists as massive douches.
- Thought Trotsky's idea of 'Permanent Revolution' involved the trimming of all moustaches. This was his real reason for opposing it.
- Nothing you read in this article is true. Nothing, YOU HEAR ME??? Now go read something else and forget about what you just read here.
- Can be found swimming in hotel swimming pools he does not even belong to
In short, Stalin was so fucking awesome that no one can match his brutality
[edit] See Also
- Stalin in Soldat
- Stalinator
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Hilary Clinton
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