Stalker
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“I'm not a stalker...I'm just an obsessed fan”
~ Stalker on himself
Stalking is a fascinating way to freak people out. Excessive stalking may lead to a restraining order, which is merely a certificate that you can use to show off that you're the plaintiff's #1 fan. However, stalking may not be right for you. Sure, you could be a bit obsessed with someone, or maybe a bit insane, but there are other answers for things like that. There’s suicide (not recommended) and hitting yourself over the head with a rusty wooden spoon until you aren’t insane anymore (highly recommended). Stalking people is more than just following someone around, it takes skills. You can’t just walk around and be like “Oh hey guys, I’m a stalker! Yay!" it doesn’t work that way. You have to have technique.
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[edit] What is stalking?
Stalking is something that people like to do when they have no friends, only obsessions with random people they spot on the street. Stalkers tend not just wear the trench coats and freaky black hats. They can wear pants, shirts, frilly dresses (watch out for those guys) and even designer jackets.
[edit] Origin of the term stalker
Contrary to popular belief, stalking is a relatively new concept. The word was invented by women, during the sexual revolution, as a way to turn the sexual advances they received by men into a crime. It worked so well that men are now very afraid of establishing any contact with women from fear that they will be arrested and charged for sexual harassment and be given a restraining order to stay at least 100 feet away from any woman living or dead, and would have to register as a sex offender. Basically any sort of contact with a woman will get you the label of stalker. Remember that girl you said hello to today? It turns out you were stalking her. Now ask your self this, Are you a male? If you answered yes you're automatically a scum bag who needs to be put behind bars.
Before there were stalkers there were Secret Admirers, Now Secret Admirers are the same thing as a stalker, except everyone likes them, but now they're extinct. So how did this happen you ask?
[edit] How to know if you are a stalker
“If I were a stalker, I'd know her license plate number, but she's always driving into the sun for some reason”
~ Oscar Wilde on Stalking
- When people walk by you and make a coughing sound that sounds more like *cough stalker ahem cough* you know you’re a stalker. Take a hint!
- When you look at a person and then don’t stop looking at them. With the exception of your husband/wife.
- When you change your schedule to be near them to watch them.
- When you care more about them than yourself.
- You get confused between what is their life and what is your life.
- When you lick people you know for no reason
- When your name is "Charlie Stalker"
- When you wear glasses as thick as binoculars and can trans-dimensionally travel
[edit] What to do
There are three ways to react after you find out you’re a stalker:
- You can accept that, and keep right on stalkin'.
- You can take it really badly and swallow several small pieces of glass and buy yourself a coffin. I’ve heard that the dark red coffins are quite nice. I suggest a velvet interior.
- You can just stop, in which case. Good job. You are not a stalker. You can help me by finding stalkers and forcing them to shave off their eyebrows.
[edit] If you get caught
There are a lot of stalkers in this world and that means that you probably suck at it. Here is what you should do when you get caught:
- The waddle. Turn sideways and act like a duck. Walk in small circles trying to see through your legs and crouching down. (Sound effects optional)
- Seizure. Seizure.
- Be busy looking. Find the nearest person and act as if you are in a very intense conversation with them. When they ask what you are doing, act like you have no idea what they are talking about.
- Streak. Not because they are suspicious, but because it's fun.
- Jump into the nearest thorny bush.
- Put on sunglasses. There’s nothing less obvious than sunglasses.
- Act Emo (look down, look sad, look AWAY)
- If you get arrested, try yoga.
- Disappear into the Sixth Dimension
- Pretend you own a castle in Scotland, and wear a headset and pretend you own a hosting company with a switchboard at your bedside
- Go into cardiac arrest.
- Die.
- Have a stroke.
- Pretend to have a stroke.
- Pretend to have a stroke and while pretending, actually have a stroke.....then die.
- If all else fails , call the Pope.
[edit] If you are being stalked
- Sneeze on the person stalking you. No one likes being sneezed on (although the person in question may just attempt to extract your sneeze juice and use it to clone you).
- Walk around a small group of trees 14 times, wait and see what they do. It won't help you, but it's fun.
- If you are a male, constantly walk into the ladies room and come out with lipstick and a wig on, same with females, and the men’s room. (this will not work if your name is Gerard Way)
- Get on crowded busses, and wear big glasses. Then film yourself.
- Carry around a video camera and film everything you see. Shove the camera into your stalker's face and ask what their favorite color is.
- Confront them, they might be a nice person! (but probably won't be)
- Start stalking your stalker
- Invite the stalker to your house, knock them out, tie them up and throw them outside. They usually get the idea.
[edit] If you have a friend or someone you know that is being stalked
The Jerry Falwell Code For Stalking in the Moral Majority states: you may give the following information to a stalker and still be cool with the gang:
"favorite TV show, favorite color, name, email, phone number, shoe-size, bra-size, social security number, credit-card numbers, license number, address, time in which they brush their teeth, DNA code, time in which they are in the airport bathroom, bra samples, panty samples, pubic-hair samples, and last time they were a boy." --Paragraph MCMZSMXXXIIVIII Part 3.
