Stanford University
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“Tastes like bacon..mmmm....”
~ Homer Simpson on Stanford
Stanford University, is a private university in California. Though official university regulations prohibit the exact measurements of its size, experts have speculated that it is often "very large." Asked for greater specificity, the experts explained that as Stanford is the exact opposite of Princeton University, which is rather small, it could be deduced that Stanford must, in fact, be "very large."
[edit] History
The university was founded by Stanley Land Ford, the (e)stranged second grandnephew thrice removed of Schroedinger's cat, in 1215. The long-time syphilis sufferer decided to build over the home of the beasts that "gave" him his disease, leading to the modern-day nickname of The Farm. In reality, however, Stan Ford had had numerous run-ins with the law and first acquired the disease during his time at Guantanamo Bay. He would then contract it five more times during his lifetime, all while during intercourse in the University's dorm rooms. As it has changed very little over the years, the nickname "The Farm" fits aptly. The official motto is "Die Luft der Freiheit saugt", or "The air of Freedom blows"
[edit] Academics
Around 15000 students, more commonly known as "farmers," are currently enrolled at Stanford. Since the school has been shown, or at least claimed, to be the exact opposite of Princeton, its students compensate for their unattractiveness and social defects with absolute humility and reticence. Despite this, every natural-born citizen enrolled at Stanford has a chance to later become President of the United States and end up destroying the world while being President. With the acceptance of a tall, dark Turkish young man this year (class of '11), the experts say, this university will continue to thrive.
[edit] Athletics
Stanford shares a great superiority (Pwnage) over Harvard University in that it has a mascot, rather than a color. Like students at Berkeley, Stanford students worship their tree. They are widely recognized as the greatest athletics school in the country, with their dominance (Pwnage) extending from mainstream sports such as football to the less commonly recognized aspects of their farm work. Yet again, this supports the theory of oppositeness with Princeton, which is a school so abysmal at athletics that their teams have never scored a point in any sport (the exception being golf, in which players routinely exceed 140), let alone emerged from any bout victorious. This is so well known a fact at Stanford that Human Biology majors developed a mnemonic device to remember the phases of cell division: PMAT (Princeton Made a Touchdown!). The thought is so absurd that students are bound to remember it come midterms week.
Stanford is also known for its rivalry with UC Berkeley. Those lamers live across the Bay and always try claim that they're better than Stanford in things like football and basketball, but who's counting? (Editor's Note: I am.) They can suck it. Even though stanford went 4-8 in football in 2007, they still beat UC Berkely and USC by selling their souls to the devil, but since the devil is so tricky, he made them lose 21-14 to 3-9 Notre Dame.
[edit] Branner Hall
Considered by many to be the actual Hotel California (like the one in the song), Branner Hall is home to 163 freshmen, 13 staff, 2 RF's 1 Michelle Voigt and 2 unidentifiable energetic doppelgangers that dress up in ridiculously adorable costumes in the dining halls. Many students walk past Branner and wish they had lived there, or at least be invited for a meal once in a while, but this rarely happens and so they shake their heads and shuffle along to utter hell in EV.
Branner is known for several traditions including the skinning of the cat, the Gaieties nudie-bomb, and the set fire to Hennessy's house festival slated for this May by most estimates. The students are an odd bunch ranging from 1 eyed, 1 horned flying purple people eaters, to erotic monkeys and Kirk Ericksons. "Most people wish they could bask in the glory that is Branner, so we just rub it in their faces by sunbathing topless on the lawn." - one resident quipped in a recent interview. Clyde Moneyhun could not be reached for a more complete description of Branner, but the message "MONEYHUN, MONEYHUN..." was left on Darren Franich's voice mail last Thursday. Be on the lookout for Dean Julie sightings as well, after all the season is just starting. See if you're one of the lucky ones who gets a hug and a chance to rub her tummy for a free wish.
[edit] The Game
The Game is a Stanford tradition which involves brilliant Stanford students driving around for an entire night. Although many brave young souls have lost their lives to the hobos of San Francisco, those that manage to return are forever strengthened by the ordeal. The best part of the game is that there is always a promise of a prize, yet no one ever gets one. Many people believe it is entry to Medical School, or in fact even an actual date at Stanford. However, there are no confirmed reports of either of these ever occuring. Yet there may or may not be something waiting for you in front of memchu, where you should now go (Well, maybe). Ha. Ha.
[edit] Alumni
Two alumni, lovingly referred to as "Packard and the tall one" on the Farm, began a business making calculators out of car parts in the 1930s and went on to create the Monterey Bay Aquarium to hold their collection of electric eels and sardines.
For several years in the 1990s no students graduated from Stanford because they all dropped out early to join an Internet startup. Suckers? No, today they are all richer than you. If Stanford were a country, its GDP would be bigger than the United States and Liechtenstein combined, and it would have more Olympic gold medals than Andorra and Vanuatu combined.
Herbert Hoover is the only president to have graduated from Stanford. In gratitude for Hoover getting the United States into the Great Depression (which showed the labor unions what poverty really looks like, the ingrates) and out of World War II, a group of Hoover's friends and associates built Hoover Tower, a 285-foot monument to his manhood, on campus. Like the original, the tip of Hoover Tower includes a Belgian carillon.
Stanford University is mostly made out of pigs and rice. that is why the university has a lot of rice and pork to eat in the cafeteria. the pork is sold at 80 US and the rice is imported from Russia, priced 150 US per pack. it is extremely popular
Tiger Woods is another alumnus of this university.
