Stanford University
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“Tastes like bacon..mmmm....”
~ Homer Simpson on Stanford
Stanford University, is a private university in California that serves an alternative for all of the Harvard-rejects. Hence the university is more widely known for its alias "the Harvard of the West." Though official university regulations prohibit the exact measurements of its size, experts have speculated that it is often "very large." Asked for greater specificity, the experts explained that as Stanford is the exact opposite of Princeton University, which is rather small, it could be deduced that Stanford must, in fact, be "very large."
[edit] History
The university was founded by Stanley Land Ford, 249 years after the school it seeks to imitate (Harvard University), in 1885. The long-time syphilis sufferer decided to build over the home of the beasts that "gave" him his disease, leading to the modern-day nickname of The Farm. In reality, however, Stan Ford had had numerous run-ins with the law and first acquired the disease during his time at Guantanamo Bay. He would then contract it five more times during his lifetime, all while during intercourse in the University's dorm rooms. As it has changed very little over the years, the nickname "The Farm" fits aptly. The official motto is "Die Luft der Freiheit saugt", or "The air of Freedom blows"
[edit] Academics
Around 15000 Harvard-rejects, more commonly known as "farmers," are currently enrolled at Stanford. Since the school has been shown, or at least claimed, to be the exact opposite of Princeton, its students compensate for their unattractiveness and social defects with absolute humility and reticence. Despite this, every natural-born citizen enrolled at Stanford has a chance to later become President of the United States and end up destroying the world while being President. With the acceptance of a tall, dark Turkish young man this year (class of '11), the experts say, this university will continue to thrive.
[edit] Athletics
Stanford shares a great superiority (Pwnage) over Yale University in that it has an inanimate object as a mascot, rather than an ugly bulldog. Like students at Berkeley, Stanford students worship their tree, their religion. They are widely recognized as the greatest athletics school in the country, with their dominance (Pwnage) extending from mainstream sports such as football to the less commonly recognized aspects of their farm work. Yet again, this supports the theory of oppositeness with Princeton, which is a school so abysmal at athletics that their teams have never scored a point in any sport (the exception being golf, in which players routinely exceed 140), let alone emerged from any bout victorious. This is so well known a fact at Stanford that Human Biology majors developed a mnemonic device to remember the phases of cell division: PMAT (Princeton Made a Touchdown!). The thought is so absurd that students are bound to remember it come midterms week.
Despite Stanford's athletic prowess, it is alleged (and by alleged, I mean true) that UC Berkley holds ultimate superiority(Pwnage) over Stanford in every sport. Due to the Berkley's indisputable superiority over Stanford in sports, Stanford officials are considering permanently changing the name of "the Axe" to the "Berkley Axe."
[edit] The Section Formerly dedicated to Branner Hall
Branner is, sadly, no competition for the most amazing dorm on the Stanford Campus: Casa Zapata. With only 26 freshmen in 2008, Zapata boasts the loudest and most spirited group of residents. Casa Zapata is home to the greatest residents Stanford, Nay the WORLD, has ever known. Plain and simple, sorry Branner... you suck.
[edit] The Section Currently dedicated to Branner Hall
BRANNER is an all-freshman dorm located on eScondido road, across the street from wilbUr hall. It has long had a reputation as one of the most fun dorms on Campus. Koala bearS.
[edit] The Game
The Game is a Stanford tradition which involves brilliant Stanford students driving around for an entire night. Although many brave young souls have lost their lives to the hobos of San Francisco, those that manage to return are forever strengthened by the ordeal. The best part of the game is that there is always a promise of a prize, yet no one ever gets one. Many people believe it is entry to Medical School, or in fact even an actual date at Stanford. However, there are no confirmed reports of either of these ever occuring. Yet there may or may not be something waiting for you in front of memchu, where you should now go (Well, maybe). Ha. Ha.
[edit] Alumni
Two alumni, lovingly referred to as "Packard and the tall one" on the Farm, began a business making calculators out of car parts in the 1930s and went on to create the Monterey Bay Aquarium to hold their collection of electric eels and sardines.
For several years in the 1990s no students graduated from Stanford because they all dropped out early to join an Internet startup. Suckers? No, today they are all richer than you. If Stanford were a country, its GDP would be bigger than the United States and Liechtenstein combined, and it would have more Olympic gold medals than Andorra and Vanuatu combined.
Herbert Hoover is the only president to have graduated from Stanford. In gratitude for Hoover getting the United States into the Great Depression (which showed the labor unions what poverty really looks like, the ingrates) and out of World War II, a group of Hoover's friends and associates built Hoover Tower, a 285-foot monument to his manhood, on campus. Like the original, the tip of Hoover Tower includes a Belgian carillon.
Stanford University is mostly made out of pigs and rice. that is why the university has a lot of rice and pork to eat in the cafeteria. the pork is sold at 80 US and the rice is imported from Russia, priced 150 US per pack. it is extremely popular
Tiger Woods is another alumnus of this university.
[edit] The Gunfight
In 2005, a giant furry man named Ewok entered The Stanford Campus with a laser gun. The Stanford Gestapo immediatly sprang into action, and with orders from Elvis Presley, began firing upon Ewok. Several students and puppies panicked and ran away from the campus, trampling a Teletubby. As the battle raged on, Ewok was wounded and arrested. As punishment, Ewok was force-fed pigs and rice.
[edit] WTF
There has been a recent outbreak of streaking expulsions at Stanford. All students that were even INVOLVED in the streakings were immediatly expelled. the current student population of stanford has dropped to 12.
