Stanley Kubrick
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“The brother won't spare no cutter!”
~ Some hobo on Stanley Kubrick
“I think he's very concerned abot my son Danny!”
~ Jack Nicholson on Stanley Kubrick
“He told me my nose was crooked back in 1996 on the set of "EWS"... Let's just say a bunch of costumed people made him undress and then killed him. Those people were my kind brothers from the great church of Scientology.”
~ Tom Cruise on Stanley Kubrick
Stan "The Man" Kubrick was the noted director of several extremely successful dances and maybe one film or so during his life. He was born inside a monolith, from which he soon escaped and traversed to Mars. Here he started his film career making normal, two-hour movies with coherent plots. The Martian government hated this, and took him into custody, forcing him to watch normal, two-hour movies with coherent plots while gving him a drug to make him sick at the sight of them. After this, he was turned into a clockwork automaton that could only make long, boring, incomprehensible movies. Hoping to find a better home, he soon came to the planet Earth, where he waited patiently for thousands of years for intelligent species to evolve so he could entertain them.
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[edit] Directing Career
Kubrick, whose family name before immigrating to the United States was spelt "Cthulhu," became impatient, waiting for these species to evolve, and sitting around all day dreaming dark designs in his crypt outside of time, and so hotwired the spaceships of the aliens from any of various movies on the subject and traveled forward in time through use of a brown hole. He found that there was a tribe of monkeys there. He subsequently brough them back to the year 1890, and begin to choreograph dances for them. Due to practice of this refined art, they evolved three million years in just a few seconds. Kubrick knew that this would happen because he is almost omnipotent, due to being born inside a monolith. His directing career began when these monkeys had evolved into dolphins, whom demanded entertainment. So, he made the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey for them. They did not like it, and so they sneezed and humans evolved out of this. Humans soon watched this movie and demanded more like it. Kubrick did this, and soon found that he was quite a skilled dire ctor, and so sacrificed the art of the dance to the next guy in line. He then made Spartacus, Professor Weirdmitten, (alternate title Dr. Strangeglove) A Clockwork Orange, and then other movies that made people think so much they became vegtables.
[edit] Trip Back to Mars
After the critical success of these movies, Kubrick decided to take a trip back to his former home Mars, where he went with Arthur C. Clarke. While there, Clarke buried Kubrick in Martian sand and then hid in a pyramid. A photograph was taken of his buried face, and this resulted in the infamous space image of that face on Mars. He then went back to Earth and made some more films, but not before being abducted by aliens whom were angry at him for exposing them. He reasoned with them and provoked them into deep thought, and the resulting amnesia allowed Kubrick to tell them that they were chickens. These aliens then decided to lock themselves in a coop, which then was jettisoned into space by Kubrick and then became the planet (yes, it is a planet!) Pluto.
[edit] World Takeover Attempt
With over thirty eight films thought about, Kubrick deemed that he was ready to attempt to take over the world. To help him, he collaborated with Arthur C. Clarke and Isaac Asimov, whom wrote a book about not writing a book. With a foreword and epilogue from Kubrick, it was enough to launch the world into temporal suspension of thought. During this time, which we all now know as the Cold War, Asimov, Clarke, and Kubrick cured cancer, but then they forgot because they confused themselves as well. Soon, the employed several zebras to help them in this attempt, but they all ran so fast they turned brown, largely in part from running into a peacock.
[edit] Death?
Kubrick died with one film unthought, but many people suspected that is was a fake death, probably because they liked his works so much. They thought that he died because he was actually a member of a secret cult of directors, some members of which the writer is not allowed to tell. These directors were actually all from Mars, which was, as we all know, known for its ability to produce things, up to and including metaphysics and suspended animation. When both of these things combined, they formed suspended metamination, which prompted cartoon characters to ask deeply philosophical questions which might had actually forced children watching the shows to learn something. This was fiercely objected to by parents and McDonalds.
He is actually the same person as Salman Rushdie.
[edit] Movieography
- Little Girl Sex
- 300
- Casablanca: The Beginning
- Professor Weirdmitten (or: How I Woke Up this Morning, Cooked Some Eggs, Realized I was Late for a Meeting, and had to Run out the Door without Having my Breakfast)
- Lost In Space
- Barry's Saucy Hardon
- Platoon
- A Cockwork Orgy
- The Shinning
- Full Blown AIDS
- Eyes Wide Shit
- Eyes Wide Shit II: Directors Uncut
- Little Girl Sex II: Gary Glitter Boogaloo
- An Inconvient Kubrick
- Full Metal Alchemist
- 2001: A Space Travesty
- Overrated Expensive Epic With No Heart But Well Shot
- Aryan Papers
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