Star Fox
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“DO A BARREL ROLL!”
~ Peppy Hare on everything.
“I have a BAD felling about this”
~ Peppy Hare on Aquas.
“I CAN'T DO A BARREL ROLL MY DAMN BUTTON IS STUCK!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Peppy's helpful comments.
“I guess I should be thankful...”
~ Falco Lombardi After saving his ass for the nth time.
“Fox, get this guy off me!”
~ Slippy Toad on an average mission to attack a kindergarden.
“Let's take care of these guys first.”
~ Fox McCloud on his inability to prioritize a fucking huge bomb over 4 wannabe imitator pilots.
“I'll do my best. Andross won't have his way with me.”
~ Fox McCloud on sexual encounters.
“GOOD LUCK.”
~ R.O.B. on tactical advice.
“In Soviet Russia, barrel roll does YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on aerial acrobatics.
“Not only are we going to Corneria, Tom Harkin, but we're goin' to Meteo, and Fortuna, and Sector X, and Titania, and Bolse, and we're goin' to Katina, and Solar, and Macbeth, and we're goin' to Sector Y, and Aquas, and Zoness, and SECTOR Z... AND THEN WE'RE GOIN' BACK TO VENOM TO TAKE BACK THE LYLAT SYSTEM!! ... YEEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!”
~ Howard Dean playing Star Fox.
“You're going to attack the enemy base? Great idea, Fox!”
~ General Pepper practicing his Captain Obvious impression.
Star Fox is a classic video game series starring the characters Slippy Toad the toad, Falco Lombardi the most kickass mofo pimp around, Peppy Hare the hare, and Fox McCloud the.... Volskwagen car. Also, the character Krystal was recently added to the Star Fox team...yeah...she has boobs though, so it isn't all that bad.
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[edit] Point of the Game
The Lylat system is under attack by the evil Andross, the Wizard of Oz's pet monkey, and the only ones qualified to defend against this monstrosity is a team of furries piloting Space Go-Karts called Arrrwings. The player guides the team of furries as their fearless leader and barrel roll extraordinaire, Fox McCloud, through asteroid fields, Sectors A-Z, and lots of other places in a galaxy far, far away. Once you beat the monkey face, you win the game, and the universe.
[edit] The Characters
008: One of Fox's teammates, who does it with Krystal at every opprotunity. Krystal is the one who initiates the act, so it's OK. Is also a mad C++ programmer. Worked on his own video game at some point, but ultimately gave up because his computer kept giving him the BSOD.
James McCloud: Fox's father, who coincidently is the only one in any of the games to have a real name. There used to be another Star Fox team of which James was in, along with Peppy, a piggy, and I think someone else. I think they say in SF64 that he was killed by Andross, but in reality, James was always a zombie, and therefore, can never die, because was always dead. This would also explain why Fox's mother is never mentioned, as it is most likely that she was eaten, by said zombie dad. Probably in a traumatic incident that has scarred Fox for life. It's also keen to note that James McCloud still makes appearances, saving Fox and crew at the last minute then banking sharp turns in his zombie-wing-arwing, and somehow dissolving into the background while nobody (but the guy playing) seems to notice or care. Therefore, James McCloud is doomed to a lifetime sentence in the F-Zero Grand Prix where he manages to constantly get his ass kicked by Captain Falcon, but hey, he driver better then you!
Peppy Hare - Although most people believe him to be a rabbit, there are others who hold to the conspiracy theory that he is really just a robot programmed to say the phrases "Do a barrel roll!" and "Use the brakes!" along with the occasional "Try a somersault!" and "Do a loop!" Other then giving obvious and unsolicited advice, he really has no real function in the Star Fox team, and should probably be shot down by Fox in an "accident." The only reason he's with the team is because he was the old leader, but was too fat and lazy to stop Fox's dad's death. Peppy also gives the greatest advice ever: Use bombs wisely. Quickly coined by Hitler, this was the secret to the Blitzkrieg tactic: only pressing B where they think the Europeans are hidings.
Slippy Toad - Slippy's gender is unknown, though many people agree that it is simply a haemaphrodite. Its prime function in the Star Fox team is to stupidly get itself cornered by the enemy, and then he asks Fox to fuck his...Um I mean, save his green little ass. Mystery surrounds the fact that in Star Fox 64 it sounded exactly like a little girl, yet in Star Fox: Assualt, it has a deep voice. Many believe it had some kinda operation involving a goat's testicles. Weird shit innit?
Falco Lombardi - Falco is a bird with an extremely large anti-social problem. No matter how many times Fox saves him from a bloody and fiery death, Falco just can't seem to suck up his pride and show Fox that he acknowledges his leadership. It's evident that he can really kick ass, but rather have his team mates die as proof they are worthy, but at that point, it really is too late. Rumor has it that he stole Joey Wheeler's Brooklyn accent before the events in Assault.
Krystal - Krystal is a fox with a fur problem and hails from Leichestershire (Hello, British accent?). She met Fox and team on her home planet of Dinosaur World (where coincidentally, "Land of the Lost" was filmed). The only help she gave to them was giving Fox a stick and convincing him to use it over his gun, and the only thing Fox really used said stick for was to 'SHAVE MY BABIES'. Although it's not known how she managed to get blue fur, the general theory is that she fell in a giant bucket of paint, which is coincidentally the same way Sonic the Hedgehog managed to get his coloring as well. Some believe she might be Jesus' Mary Magdelene to Sonic, but you'd have to read the Da Vinci Code to understand and you really don't want to do that. It's a little known fact that Krystal stole the metal bikini from Princess Leia and became a Lacus Clyne impersonator, opposite of Meer Campbell.
“Hey baby, are you a barrel roll? 'Cause I want to do you.”
Andross - Andross is the giant gorilla head nemesis of the Star Fox team. He, like many other video game series villains, amazingly reappears after each and every game with a new but still uncreative master plan for getting what he wants (which usually includes, but is not limited to, destroying the world). Unlike most villains though, improvements in graphics quality makes Andross bigger and uglier than each previous installment but in the end, he is always just a big giant ugly Gorilla head.
General Pepper - A dog who is obviously cool because no one ever sees anything but his head. He is known to somehow direct traffic in many of the inhabited planets of the universe, and during his off time he makes up stories about the end of the universe, puts on an old general's uniform, and tells Fox where to go next. Most People (besides the Star Fox Team) believe that he is in cahoots with Andross in his plans. It's all a setup for both of them to make money. However, Pepper always has a second motive: to backstab Andross. He sends the Star Fox team after him, and when that giant gorilla is dead, reaps the rewards that Andross would have. A very cunning dog. Cousin named "Lasie", whom has been missing for several years, but was last seen heading towards a burning barn... After being saved by Fox and his team in Star Fox 64, he planned an elaborate award ceremony for the team and planned to make Fox an honorary Cornerian general. Fox "politely" declined the offer.
“So I said "We are in your debt. I would be honored to-" but the sonofabitch interrupted me because of a phone call, and immediately left!”
~ General Pepper on Fox's decline.
R.O.B. 64 - R.O.B. is a seven foot tall robot with a very "original" name. He supposedly assists the Star Fox team in various ways, but these methods are never revealed. Because of this, a panel of individuals, led by Dan Brown, has come together for the sole purpose of figuring out the most insane theories as to what this character actually does. Some of the more notable theories, are: 1. That he does not acctually help but is a spy for Andross hence the reason Andross always knows where and how to annoy you next, and 2. Peppy's sex slave.
“Where's R.O.B.? Come here you big boy, we're gonna do a barrel roll...”
~ Peppy Hare on why he hasn't quit his job.
Wolf O'Donnell - Wolf, Fox's cloned brother, commands the Star Wolf team. They are fierce rivals, and drive-bys are quite common between the two of them. Star Wolf, unfortunately, never rose to the fame that Fox found, because he spent all his funds on getting a much more bad-ass theme song. When he's not fighting Star Fox (and he's hardly NOT fighting Star Fox, although recently he prefers to play-fight against Fox only because of powerplay), he's in his quarters, writing in his diary. What he writes in his diary is currently unknown, but it's safe to say that he could be writing about his gay love for Fox (& possibly Athrun Zala from Gundam SEED). He pilots the Wolfen, a ship with the ability to do palm readings. As for the Assault game, it is proven that Wolf is gay and Fox is going gay for him. This is further proven in the newest Smash Bros game, as Wolf has apparently watched too much Brokeback Mountain, and therefore sounds like a gay cowboy. His crouching position also shows his submissive side.
“I wish I knew how to quit you, Fox!”
~ Wolf O'Donnell on his relationship with Fox McCloud
Leon Powalski - Leon, a self-proclaimed sadist, is the only Jewish character in the Star Fox series. A chameleon, he had a traumatic childhood, because of the constant racial profiling - as the color of his skin changed frequently, he was subject to every discrimination. He has auditioned repeatedly for the Blue Man Group, where he repeatedly gets in a fight with Tobias Foon-Gay (Arrested Development (TV Show)). The reason for the change of voice from 64 to Assault is because at some point between the two games, his nutsack had been mysteriously sawed off. Rumor has it that Slippy was the recipient of said ballsack, which could explain its change of voice between the two games, as well... As of Smash Bros Brawl, Leon jumps out of the closet to reveal his real feelings - he is gay and a sadomasochist.
Panther Caruso - A registered sex offender and a black Ricky Martin, he now flies for Star Wolf. Many people believe that he is straight, since he's constantly hounding Krystal, but just as many people believe otherwise. [it's called over-compensating, people] I mean, how many people do you know who wear THAT much purple spandex? Film credits include A Night At The Roxbury, and several adult films. He has banged Krystal more than once though.
Katt Monroe - Marilyn Monroe, a public furry, was briefly married to a bobcat. Katt is her granddaughter. After Marilyn hit the big time and left the two alone, her father tried to raise her, but, being a bobcat, really didn't have many useful parenting skills. So Katt ran away to the Cornerian Academy, learned to pilot, and put her father in a kennel. She apparently has a history with Falco. They probably hooked up in the Stripper Academy. However, In a random comic that nobody has ever heard of because it was only released in Japan, Katt is revealed to be in love with Krystal when Krystal was still a man.
Miyu And Fay - A Lynx (Miyu) And Whitedog (Fay) who never appeared in the series.
Dash Bowman - Andross' adopted, effeminent Grandson. Unlike the rest of his family, he doesn't want to carry on the family tradition and try to take over the Lylat system. Instead, he wants to become a famous pop-star and have his own crappy sitcom series on TV. His idols include Hannah Montana and Chris Crocker. His interests include shoe-shopping, looking fabulous, wearing women's clothing and make-up, and recording videos under bedsheets and putting them up on YouTube.
Bill Grey - An unpopular Cornerian pilot who gets even less screen time than Katt, and she HARDLY gets any screen time. He somehow gained a cult following on DeviantArt for some time before people started posting drawings of Lucario. After the events chronicled in Star Fox 64, he mysteriously disappeared, only to return during Command. By that time, he appeared to have mutated into a strange, kangaroo-like creature. No one knows how this happened to him, including Bill. Due to his new, hideous configuration, he's no longer popular at parties...not that he was very popular at parties to begin with.
Pigma Dengar - Pigma was once a member of the original Star Fox team who quit because Andross promised him a bucket of cash and a sexy midget. Pigma spends most of his nights cutting himself because he killed the midget after electing to take the top position when the two had sex. Pigma became severely depressed and gained about 400 pounds after he learned that Andross was going to use him as the main course for his postwar celebration. After he got kicked out of Star Wolf, Pigma joined the KKK but was quickly fired after he crushed his horse. It is rumored that Pigma actually has a second head tucked deep beneath the layers of his man tits. His whereabouts are unknown, but he was last seen getting turned into a giant version of his own face and then getting blown up less than a minute afterwards.
Amanda Bynes: Slippy's supposed female love interest. Had a movie career at some point, but it ultimately failed because no one liked her. Initially wanted Slippy to stay with her and raise a family underwater. Slippy was about to agree and stay with her, but Fox pulled him away because he still wanted Slippy on the team. Why he did is still unknown to this day. Perhaps he doesn't want Amanda to find out that her love interest is a transgender.
[edit] Games Released
Starwing / Starfox - The first Super Nintendo game to have real-time origami graphics. Nintendo hired a professional Japanese paper folder to create all the shapes in the game.
Starfox 2 - This was like Star Fox Command, except it didn't suck. Unfortunately, Nintendo lost the programing inside their pile of Yoshi merchandise so didn't release it
Star Fox 64 / Lylat Wars - The first and only Star Fox game released on the N64. It was also the first game in the series to include actual voices to go along with the talking heads inside the game.
Star Fox Adventures - The first game to feature the Star Fox Team in a 3D world, and use an adventure mode as opposed to the usual level style. It was also just about the billionth game where the Star Fox Team had to battle Andross in the form of a giant head. This was also the game where Krystal made her first appearance. However, she gets kidnapped at the beginning (which is a good thing, cause otherwise Fox would of been out of a job) leading to the most original plot in video games ever. After 5 hours playing this game, you will be thoroughly convinced that this game is just a repackaged Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (albiet with the odd Ar-wing level.)
Shortly after this game came out, Nintendo was accused by Carrie Fisher of theft.
“That blue fox bi'tch stole my metal bikini! I've been looking for that thing since Return of the Jedi: Ultra Special Redone Ewok Director's Cut 2.0!”
~ Carrie Fisher on Krystal.
“For the last time, I didn't steal that metal bikini! Anything that old hag says is a lie!”
~ Krystal on Carrie Fisher's Lawsuit.
Star Fox Assault - The first game in a trilogy of epic storylines, the one presented in this contains Focks Mcdonalds in sexy mega armor fighting the evil Raparoids, known for causing pain to all. As the game progresses, characters start showing signs of madness, such as Tepid Hair shouting out "LAWL IM ALIVE SOMEHOW" multiple times.
The game was considered underrated by many who actually played it, because those who gave it bad reviews (see: Shitheads) never played it, and only complained about the camera, which stems from when they saw somebody on drugs having trouble with it. It was considered best game of all time, and immediately titled "Widel Rosco's Game of the eternity". It was released later, in a heavily edited format, in the confederate states as "Kennedy Kowerting Kanyon's shooting spree", in which the entire game consists of drinking hot coffee and being abused by character "Krapsail" in bed whilst drinking said coffee. This version is known for having absolutely nothing to do with it's name, which is wordplay on Darth Vader.
Star Fox Command - This is the first Star Fox game on a portable, the Nintendo DS. Andrew Oikonny summons a Giant Enemy Crab to take over the galaxy. The worst part of this game was the new crappy 'Great Fox', as there was nothing 'Great' about it (thanks Peppy!). This is the first game where you command Falco to have super sex with a cat named Katt. In one ending, Fox and Wolf finally get it on, get married, move to Tokyo, and have a freaky wolf-fox hybrid son, only to get eaten by Godzilla during its weekly attack. 008 then destroys Godzilla, only to be crushed when he respawns on top of him.
Starfox - A game that ultimately has little do to with the said Starfox franchise, but was inexplicably given the same name. No relation whatsoever.
[edit] Trivia
- Smart bombs are actually Starfox blowing his load.
- Your Mom Is the final boss of Starfox.
- If you are unable to press R, you better press Z, or you'll get hit by a DK barrel.
- When you are at the volcano level you'd better watch for the giant hot dogs raining from the sky. They will give you health!
- It's quiet. Too quiet.
- "Are you gonna listen to THAT monkey?"
- This baby can take tempurtures of up to 9000 degrees!!
- "WHAT, 9000!!???"
- Enemy mothership approaching!
- In Star Fox Command, the Great Fox is reengineered into a Pop-tart.
- Do a barrel roll
- If you beat the whole game with 100% completion, you unlock the secret image, seen below:
- andross is actually chuck norris's pet monkey
- DO A BARREL ROLL
- Andross is actually Barbra Streisand in a monkey costume
- Master Asia once tried to give Slippy a blow job, but found he had no penis, so he gave up. My god that guy's gay.
- 008 screws Krystal every day, so he has more sex than you.
- Kira "Jesus" Yamato ONCE used to joined the Star Fox alliance after 3 years before Gundam Seed piloting a customized Shogun mech in Strike Gundam's colors.
- Ebisumaru(from "Mystical Ninja starring Goemon") once joined the Star Fox team but got kicked out because he takes off his clothes in front of them.
- Goemon Impact once served as a guardian mech of the Lylat Defense Force.
- Sasuke(from "Mystical Ninja starring Goemon, again") once competed R.O.B. in a chess game and lost.
- I'm telling you, guys. You really should do a barrel roll.
- The hatches are open!
- The stuff that's in Krystal's sandwich include fish-heads, snails, and wet, sticky, ejaculate.
- You know what? Fine! Don't do a barrel roll. See if I care.
- There's something wrong with your mom's G-Diffuser!
- Apparently, the weed Fox took is about 100x stronger than regular weed. Must've been some funky sights, man...
- ROB's operating software is based on Windows XP, which is often why he tends to be pretty useless, most of the time.
- Daddy screamed REEAALL good before he DIED!
- Use the brakes!
- Those who cross Andross will die!
[edit] Barrel Rolls
The Real point of the star fox game is to press the "R" or "Z" button twice repeatedly to spin in a large circle which can magicly deflect lasers. If you notice Peppy says "Do a Barrel Roll" many times during this games gripping and action-packed story line. If you barrel roll 500 times in one level, if will automatically warp to the secret level where you are out of your ship and meet celebrities such a Henery Winkler, The guy from that show and Masahiro Sakurai. So get out there and DO A BARREL ROLL!!!!!!1!1!111111!!!1
