Star Jones
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| NOT SAFE FOR WORK!! |
| The article you are looking at may not be work safe! | |
| If a boss or coworker saw this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied. |
Star Jones Reynolds (March 24, 1962-December 24, 2018) was, first and foremost, a man (as is her fraternal twin brother, Ciara). Born after a freak accident involving her parents, mystery meat cold cuts, and nuclear fission, her mission in life was to keep KFC, as well as Popeye's and Church's Chicken, in business.
[edit] Early Life
Born to Virginiakah Lavandahh Rah'Shenae Boboshenice Shaneeshah Ingrid Jones and Mike Jones in rural Puddin' Cup, MS, Jones led a peaceful existence filled with cream puffs and the bones of innocent, Jewish babies, better known as matzoh.
At the tender age of eleven, young Jones reached her maximum weight of 450 tons, giving her a gravitational pull as well as the nickname Star. After losing 449 tons, Star managed to get a job at Dairy Queen in hopes that the pay would fund her way through Law School. And by Law School, I mean, support her addiction to lard-dipped Twinkies. Unfortunately for Jones, her father stole her paychecks and used them to refortify the cracked foundation of their family Shanty Town.
[edit] Later Life
Fortunately for the teenage Jones, a chubby-chaser by the name of Brooke Shields took interest in her and paid for her college education. She attended the prestigious Bob Jones University and majored in Peer Counseling. At BJU, she participated in such extracurricular activitys such as Competitive Eating where she won every contest she entered up until her disqualification for slipping a whole cured ham to her partner in crime, Jared the Subway Guy. She graduated summa-cum-laude.
After a brief stint at the Betty Ford Clinic (which she mistook for the Betty Crocker Factory) where she received treatment for a life-threatening case of Bacterial vaginosis, Jones contacted Baba Wawa of the famed talk-show The View. Jones and Wawa agreed that The View needed a "lady from the southern mountain range of Ethiopia" to bring some much-needed "flava" to the show. Jones' first taped show garnered Nielson ratings of -15π (it would've been more, but Jones' appearance caused several million heart-attacks as well as two cases of feline AIDS among viewers (again, no pun intended). Also, many mistake Jones for a North-Western Grizzly Bear (though this may be because Jones can often be heard saying "Boo-Boo, where are my pic-a-nic baskets?" Pic-a-nic, by the way, does not stand for "pick-a-nigger." This is just wishful thinking on the part of wannabe oppressed blacks everywhere [[Al Sharpton|aka Malcolm Gossett aka The Rock].).
Jones was later fired from The View for eating Elisabeth Hasselbeck alive while on the air. Jones was replaced with fellow fatty Rosie O'Donnell.
She died after eating ten gallons of ice cream.
