Stargate
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“They always fucking interfere, we cannot do jack shit without them sticking their noses in to see what we're up to”
~ Goa'uld on Stargate Team
“Apparently it can also allow you to travel through time.”
~ Captain/Major/Lt. Colonel/Colonel/ Dr. Samantha Carter on plot devices
The Stargate is a decorated gate that allows instantaneous spontaneous travel between two points in the Universe. This could make a good sci-fi television series with the same basic outline as Star Trek but without having to spend all that money on CG starships, but unfortunately it is used by geeks on the scientific video journal Star Gate. The idea of a fictional series was taken from a blind Jamaican sheep who was eating crumpets while drinking Russian vodka on toast. The first Stargate is currently in the Whitehouse under heavy guard by a blind man, a deaf man, an ugly man and PMS. It is currently used to transport nuclear weapons to nuke Mars and a pigeon nest on the White House. The second one, well that's on Star Gate.
It is made of a strange element not native to Earth called Boomtonium which is also known as Naquadah. Which can be super charged to form a wormhole through space-time connecting it to other Stargates, closets, lockers or on occasion, the cages of small white mice.
If you spin the ring on the Stargate around properly, it makes all sorts of cool whooshing noises and connects you to whatever Stargate is on the other end of the address you just dialed. If you set it to the combination written on the sticker on the back, it will open your locker from tenth grade that you closed with all your notes inside and couldn't remember how to open again. There's also a rumor that if you set it to one combination in particular, it will spontaneously generate a lightly toasted ham and cheese sandwich, then explode violently. If you dial seven symbols, the gate will suck energy from the nearest object of great mass, i.e. your mom.
It was briefly believed, but then discredited, that the Stargates were created by a race of advanced beings called the Ancients, who Oscar Wilde is believed to be an honorary member of. It is also believed that Chuck Norris, Mr. T and Yoda all descended from this race. Their ability to fly is attributed to this still today.
In actuality, the Stargate was designed by American professor The Guyver, who one night found himself locked in a broom closet filled with only turpentine, several tins of housepaint, a couple rat-traps and a dustpan, and overnight was able to invent a new system for instantaneous travel between planets, as well as the other effects mentioned above. James Spader, Earth's finest actor, decoded the Guyver's secret code and was the first person to put his face in the Stargate.
Filmakers Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich once claimed to have been the ones who actually designed and built the Stargates; alleged proof for this claim was a Stargate prototype Devlin had stored in a corner of his basement. The Guyver, on the other hand, claims that he sold his Stargate patent to Devlin and Emmerich, only to be told at the time that an instantaneous intergalactic transport system would not be able to sell, then only to have multiple operational Stargates built and set up without his knowledge nor with any credit given to him. The Guyver filed a lawsuit against Devlin and Emmerich, but the case was eventually settled out of court.
On occasion the Stargate will transport people into the Thunderdome, which will cause thousands of mothers basements dwelling CHUDS to chant for more. The Stargate is also able to transport any living thing to the ultimate fighting championship held in a large Native American non flying, fire-breathing dragon.
People who walk through Stargates often like to depict themselves as gods to the ignorant and backwards races they encounter, and give themselves funny names like Baal, and Oscar Wilde.
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[edit] Criticism
Currently media critics are at loggerheads about the Stargate universe, as it transmits a mixed cultural message. Liberal left wing types for instance point to the highly realistic "good guy" concept in which the military is generally presented as the type of institution any patriot would join, and die for. On the otherhand, concerned conservatives point to what they perceive as sexual overtones in the series. For instance the Goa'uld often have homoerotic overtones (their catchphrase "now I will make you gay!" is used to provoke others), whilst the Wraith are perceived as Goth sadomasochism addicts who have an unhealthy fetish (not that fetishes are healthy).
This mixed cultural message has for example led to a ban in France, and Peru. In the case of France the series was banned on the grounds of separation of church and state laws after the sensational fifth series cliff hanger in which a Ned Flanders type attempted to teach the Ten Commandments to the "snakeheads", only to have converted them to the path of "righteousness".
Another critism by the American Union of Cunning Linguists is that the series continues to be "dumbing down" the linguistic diversity of the galaxy. Unlike the reality TV series Star Trek, Stargate has not divised any new languages with scientifically divised alien scripts and rules - instead all actors speak standard English; some even with a American or European accent. Others have simply concluded that the union is reeling from the massive increase in unemployment among its members with the recent failure of some high profile series. The Union's criticism is only half-correct because whenever Daniel Jackson encounters anything written by dead aliens, he has to translate it.
[edit] The Three Earth-found Stargates
There are three Stargates found on Earth. Or previously found on Earth. Whatever. The first, was the one left here by the Ancients, and was left in some random mountain in Antarctica. The Ancients abandoned it because it no longer worked. But in actuality, it just had dead batteries but the Ancients were too smart and never thought of that. Eventually the U.S. Air Force found it and stole it, and secretly used it many times. This one was eventually blown up by some stupid alien thing, because he "didn't like the way it looked at him." The second one was left here by Ra, the god of the sun, because he accidentally forgot it and was later killed by MacGyver*. The third Stargate was the wife to Gizro the great and mother of Buce Bomb, in 2005/6, she was abducted by the military because the other Stargate wasn't satisfying them.
Dean Devlin actually keeps a fourth Stargate in his basement, under a pile of rejected Star Gate movie scripts; but since it is a prototype, without pretty (i.e., gay) red lights, it doesn't count.
* Curt Russel played this part rather crapily, he didn't once use a paperclip in the whole movie.
[edit] The DHD
The Stargate can be dialed by this funny round thing on a stone pedastal, which is actually metal and not stone. It has thirty-eight buttons despite the fact that the gate has thirty-nine symbols, probably because the guy who built it was on crack. This means it's impossible to dial P3X-797, because it has a thirty-nine symbol address. Not that you would want to go there. The DHD also has a battery in it. Sometimes it dies and you have to change it. The battery is a 27.2V type CCM6 naquadah-oxide and is only available from Ancients Direct. Anyway the DHD is highly unreliable and often doesn't work. It can be repaired by pushing a reset button but usually the button is missing. It sounds easy but good luck finding a replacement- it's only available from Ancients Direct and their fastest shipping takes a year and costs $1000000000000000000000000000xWeight in grams.
And earth lacks a DHD so they use a stupid spinny thing with two big clamps. Several people have been crushed by the clamps but in ten-something years they STILL haven't built a proper DHD. Probably because the only person who can build it is Carter and she's too lazy.
Atlantis has a really weird DHD. Even though Pegasus Galaxy gates don't have rotating inner rings, it uses two big clamps. They turn the entire gate to dial.
Stargates in space are powered by car batteries and dialed by shooting at the desired symbols with drone weapons. Or something like that.
No one really understand why it's called the Dial-Home-Device, because the big rounded button does NOT dial home (ET figured this out in season 3).
[edit] Top Fifteen Reasons Why Colonel Jack O'Neill Is Better than Picard
- 15. Jack kissed Sam, learned to juggle, and had tricycle rides during several solar system wide time loops, because he was bored. Picard wouldn't dare...
- 14. Jack will never give his trust to a Goa'uld, while Picard would give a chance to every very ugly and evil parasitic lifeform - even spaceship shell eating viruses!
- 13. Jack has not been reduced to reading stupid poetry on cholesterol ads with his fancy accent.
- 12. Jack O'Neill has a sense of humor.
- 11. Jack Acknowledges all the Sci-Fi shows and movies his show is based on. Picard wants us to think he is totally original.
- 10. Ten seasons. Suck on THAT, Picard!
- 9. In Jack's show his opening title sequence has a theme song showing a lot of action; it doesn't waste time telling what his seven year mission is.
- 8. When Picard goes some where he meets people who say they're aliens. In O'Neill's show the people don't even try to pretend they're aliens.
- 7. Picard only goes to new worlds, civilizations and junk like that. Jack goes to planets to stop ancient Egyptian gods from destroying Earth.
- 6. O'Neill has no Prime directive in his way that keeps him from kicking ass.
- 5. On O'Neill's first episode, he went to another planet to battle Egyptian gods. On Picard's first episode he got in an argument with some guy named Q.
- 4. Jack O'Neil can travel from planet to planet in a matter of seconds. Picard takes days, if not weeks.
- 3. Jack O'Neill's show is based on an awesome movie. Picard's show is based on a cheesy 60's show that got horrible ratings.
- 2. Jack O'Neill has an actual gun, not something that looks like it was manufactured by preskool toys and has a politically correct "safety scissors" setting by default.
- 1. Jack O'Neill uses the Blue screen of death to travel galaxies away, while Picard has a totally dysfunctional relationship to every space-time anomaly of the month he ever meets (aka Blue screen of death making every life support system fail at once).
[edit] Other Stargate-like Mechanisms
Along with the Stargate, Jerry O'Connell also invented a smaller verion of the device which allowed his skinny girlfriend, a jive-talking black dude, and a would-be dwarf to "slide" to different versions of San Francisco in assorted parallel dimensions. Unfortunately none of them seemed to realise that they were just travelling around to different parts of Vancouver in a really cool way. But they could have used a Taxi.
In Journeyman, a dramatic horror comedy by 18th Century Fox, Kevin McKidd (played by Dan Vasser) travelled through time and space without use of any mechanism. This was felt so un-cool that the show was cancelled in December 2007 after only eleven of its thirteen episodes were shown. It is possible that the other two episodes will be shown in 1985.
[edit] Evolution of Dr. Daniel Jackson
The character (also known under the name "Liam Heiderich") was originally played by James Spader. However, the scientist that actually figured out the Stargate in real life, Dr. Michael Shanks, grew jealous of the far superior Spader's glory and fame.
Thus on the night of September 12th 1996 (during filming of season 1 of "Stargate Versus McGyver : Vendetta") Shanks killed Spader with eighteen bullets to the ankle, a swift blow to the knee and a Tickle Me Emo doll. Spader's last words were "I eat babies. It establishes me as evil enough for plot holes that allow me back into the story at least once a season through providing immortality. Nyahahaha!".
Shanks then grafted Spaders face onto his own, and got the part playing "Dr. Daniel Jackson" in General Hospital, Stargate and According to Jim.
One time, SG-1 returned home to find everyone at the SGC dead. O'Neill then said: "Oh well, Daniel's died enough fucking times for all of us. Who wants ice cream?"
A Daniel-centered spin-off series was proposed, in which Daniel set out to burn the Wookie Fur Factory, accidentally setting off an angry Chewbacca bent on vengeance against chess players who win against Wookies. The series was cancelled due to Daniel's prior commitments to "Atlantis, The Lost cliché: We Ran Out of Ideas Today", as he chose to spend more time with his lover, Deanna Troi.
The false god Anubis had this to say:
"Jaffa, I can't believe it's not butter! Kree!"
"I should have read that evil overlord list more carefully! Now when i have an itch I have no body to scratch!"
[edit] System Lords
The galaxy in Stargate is administered by beneficient, impartial System Lords who administer disputes. According to Jimbo Wales, becoming a system lord is no big deal. It seldom involves more than a few hundred planetary battles and can often be completed in under 500 years. A list of the system lords includes:
- Ball the Blue
- Sulkor the Petulant
- Chef Ra the Dope Guru
- Near Tea the Decaffeinated
- Collie the Sheepdog
- Amaterasu, the Japanese guy pay five hundred dollar show your ass inter on net.
- Cuminus the Sabe Mas Bueno (the only Gould who has people lined up around the block looking to get his snake in their mouth)
- Yu the Suck
