Stargate Atlantis
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Stargate Atlantis is the mostly fictional child TV series of real life undeniably factual mommy show Star Gate that chronicles the adventures of hapless members of the US military and random world scientists in space. Led by the visually offensive Dr. Elizabeth Weir, they find themselves a billion million miles away from Earth in the lost city of Atlantis. The city is underwater, but then it's not, then it is, then it's in space, until it returns back on land. Hurray.
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[edit] Background
Once upon a time, the Sci Fi Channel realized there was more to life than just producing obscenely crappy B horror movies (with such innovative names like Frankenfish and Mansquito). The Sci Fi Channel bought the rights to produce more seasons of the TV show Star Gate. The show drove up ratings so much that the Sci Fi Channel realized it had a cash cow in its hands in the form of a potential franchise, a la Star Trek. Quick thinkers decided to create a spin-off show and, during the 8th season of Star Gate, Stargate Atlantis premiered alongside its mommy to successful ratings.
[edit] The Main Characters
- Major/Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, whom all the alien chicks dig 'cause of his special genes (Wraith chicks not so much because he is skinny food). Shep's ability to nail any space bimbo in a 50 light year radius, marks him as clearly being a descendant (ancestor?) of the infamous James T. Kirk. Sheppard excels at shooting, leaning on things and annoying Dr. Rodney McKay as much as possible. Considerable speculation has led many to the conclusion that Sheppard's Hair is a totally sentient life-form in and of itself. Some feel The Hair should have its own spin-off series. Despite only knowing how to fly helicopters, he managed to learn how to fly the F-302 Space Fighter in the 8 weeks it took to come back from Dakara in Season 54. Is well versed in Cool.
- Played by known Rebel Sympathizer, Joe Flanigan.
- Dr. Elizabeth Weir, a civilian leader who speaks a billion languages and uses her skilled tongue on all members of the expedition. Used to be blond but is now a brunette. Was recently turned into a Replicator by Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay when he found out she was cheating on him with John Sheppard, and was later captured by an obsessive Replicator fan, Oberoth. The team currently believes her to be dead after hearing about it from other obsessive Replicator and Clone fans.
- Played by Canadian Communist Cylon stripper, Torri Higginson.
- Captain/Major/Lieutenant Colonel/Colonel/Doctor Samantha Carter, ex-member of SG-1 and the new leader of the Atlantis Expedition. Was given the job because John Sheppard threatened the lives of every scientist on the base if he was ever put in charge. She now spends most of her time standing around the control room of Atlantis saying the exact same things that Elizabeth Weir would have said. There is rumored to be a picture of retired General Jack O'Neill behind her desk, which leaves some theorists believing that she intends to hook her claws into him so he can go the way of all her other boyfriends.
- Played by blonde-bombshell Amanda Tapping.
- Dr. Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay, a brilliant snarkitist with an advanced degree in Snarkology. Is deathly allergic to everything and has frequent delusions (a.k.a. wet dreams) of scoring repeatedly with arch-rival Samantha Carter. He recently became involved with a redhead botanist named Katie Brown, not long before Carter came to Atlantis. He is understandably pissed.
- Played by super crime-fighting ninja David Hewlett.
- Teyla Emmagan, well-bosomed alien transexual who fights with sticks and likes showing off her great rack while punctuating it with "my people" every few lines. Her people are known as the Athosians (pronounced erections), and are well-known for their sexy reputation on many planets. She is always seen is a small tight shirt, even after beening stabbed in the chest the day before (see episode 'Sunday'), and she never uses contractions in her sentences. Is currently pregnant, though no one has currently stepped forward claiming to be the father.
- Played by opera singer of the ages, Rachel Luttrell.
- Lieutenant Aiden Ford, the first military second-in-command on Atlantis. Claims to be an expert on all types of weapons, however he has never shown any proof of this, as he only really stands around and says "Yes" or "No" once in a while. Later he develops an unfortunate addiction to Wraith!crack, thus becoming totally insane.
- Played by leprechaun Rainbow Sun Franks.
- Ronon Dex, alien with a penchant for stating the obvious and who has an unhealthy obsession with his gun. Appears in Season 33 and onward. He smolders with generic rage.
- Played by Hawaiian God, Jason Momoa, who was nominated for an Oscar for some especially emotive grunting in season three.
- Dr. Carson Beckett, Elixir-cooking turtle sweetheart. Now, ([formerly] late) chief surgeon and part-time mad scientist who plays around with everyone's DNA. Likes mice, particularly fried. Similar to other Scottish astronauts he has a tendency to overstate himself when challenged, occasionally to the point of near hysteria. Died under mysterious medical circumstances which may or may not be greatly exaggerated. Was saved by upset female fans who threatened to storm and eat Bridge Studios. Then there was the bagpipes and the press coverage and a thousand chocolate-filled executive meetings with Joe Mallozzi. And then he came back.
- Played by bagpipe player Paul McGillion.
- Dr. Radek "Zelenka" Zelenka, the notorious arch-rival to Dr. McKay and considered one of the most foreign scientists on Atlantis. He has only appeared in 200 episodes although, where he attempts to murder McKay at least once in each episode. This lack of screen time may have something to do with the fact that 95% of what he says is unintelligible. Swears a lot, as all scientists do.
- Played by the President of Romania, David Nykl.
- Major Evan Marcus Nick Gabriella Lorne, Lieutenant Ford's replacement as the military-second-command. Also believed to be a former Hobbit due to his short stature, he is a known smart ass (which may or may not have contributed to his assignment to Atlantis). In Season 47, Lorne disappeared from the face of the Pegasus galaxy, making the position of Colonel Sheppard's second-in-command just as dangerous as being his superior officer. He reappeared soon after and insisted on going barefoot wherever he went. Some speculate he tried to go back in time to visit Woodstock.
- Played by part-time telepath and stripper, Kavan Smith.
- Colonel Steven Caldwell, commander of the Earth ship Daedalus and one-time agent of the Trust. He makes supply runs from Earth to Atlantis while not-so-secretly bucking for Colonel Sheppard's job as head of the military in the city. He is also insanely jealous of Sheppard's position as Doctor Weir's main squeeze and seeks reassurance from the Asgard engineer, Hermiod (the third cousin twice removed of Thor, Heimdall, and Freyr).
- Played by ex-KGB agent Mitch Pileggi.
- "Doctor" Jennifer Keller, whining baby who replaced Carson. Despite knowing an assortment of bar games, graduating from college early, being very pretty (and even nearly scoring with Ronon Dex), she must be a tortured soul because she never got to go to any parties. Aims to sleep with every man (and woman) on base.
- Played by ex-mechanic Jewel Staite.
- Chuck "the Technician" Campbell, raised by wolves in the wilds of British Columbia. Quite possibly the smoothest man in two galaxies.
- Played by Canada's #1 playboy Chuck Campbell.
- Ace McKay, is the alter ego of Dr. Rodney Meredith Ingram McKay, and first appears in the episode "McKay & Mrs. Miller", the 5th episode in Season 23 of Stargate Atlantis. He originates from a parallel universe and, quite unlike the Rodney McKay in this one, is extremely heroic, very modest, and not prone to screaming "that is impossible, I can't fix it, we are all going to die" every time danger threatens. It is unknown if he shares the (extremely stupid) allergy of citrus fruit that the regular McKay loudly suffers from.
- Like Dr. McKay, Ace McKay is also played by David Hewlett.
- The Wraith, evil vampiresque aliens that would like to eat you the way you eat filet mignon. Are into emo music and writing angsty poetry on the side. Bleach their hair every thursday afternoon. Second cousins to Sephiroth.
- Replicators, human like evil beings built out of Duplos. They are obsessive fans of Elizabeth Weir and may or may not be responsible for her very timely demise.
- The Stargate, this big round gate thing. The true main character of the show. Much cooler than Star Gate's Stargate. Better resale value too.
- Played by The Stargate, though he repeatedly insists that it is played by the Doorway to Heaven.
[edit] The Story
In their immortal search for bigger, better and more extravagant guns (and space whores), Earth Humans think that the ancient race of aliens (appropriately called the Ancients) who built the Stargate are nifty, and wouldn't it be swell if they could find the Ancients' lost city and steal all their guns? Their cover story is "To Explore the galaxy, to learn about what's out there," however the truth regarding their intentions is well known. Woo, guns (and space whores)!
While digging for oil and dead Jaffa bodies in Antarctica, they inadvertently discover the location of Atlantis, which happens to be approximately a trillion point 4 miles away, in the Pegasus Galaxy. Unfortunately, it would take an enormous amount of energy to reach the Pegasus Galaxy - energy that Earth's severely depleted fossil fuel supply can't support. They only have one ZPM, which is a specialized phallic battery used to power the Ancients' technology (very similar to a giant piece of rock candy in both shape and taste), and so it would be a potential one-way trip with little chance of ever returning home. Lo, Earth Humans, being the undebatable intelligent creatures they are, decide going would be a wise course of action. After all, there may be guns. And they like guns! Guns good (and space whores)!
Weir, as leader of the expedition, brings along some Marines, an Air Force Major, some medical doctors, lots of scientists, a shrink (who forgot her bra in the excitement), and an apparently endless supply of redshirts, condoms, crack, and one slightly-aged T-1000 unit. They also pack Weir's entire wardrobe, a few bags of popcorn, and a lifetime batch of (more) condoms and diapers (just in case they need to breed on their own 'cause of the whole one-way trip and all).
Sadly, though the rediscovered city of Atlantis is pretty darn cool, it's underwater, and the shield protecting it from the water is about to collapse from lack of power, thus killing them all. Oops. So they look for energy sources on other planets. While there, they meet Teyla of the Great Rack and her Athosians (Erections), who are more than happy to trade some hash for some condoms, although it didn't dawn on them that this didn't fix the power problem at all. While wasting time, they also inadvertently awaken a bunch of goth-looking vampire alien life-suckers who want to eat all living human beings in the universe, and torture T-1000 units. And they still don't find any energy sources to get home. But they have friends, and with the power of friendship, they can do anything they set their hearts to. Supposedly.
Later, they finally realize that, after searching the city, it has a Walgreens, and, lo and behold, they finally get a ZPM. They use it to power the city's tilt-a-whirl in order to defeat the Wraith, who have come to Atlantis to look for Ancient goth clubs, or something.
In recent years, the Wraith have become old news as the expedition has been using its powers of moronicness to make new enemies. They had a big grudge with the Genii for a while, but that seems to have been smoothed over for the moment. The Replicators (who insist on calling themselves the Asurans) have become aware of Atlantis' continued existence and swear to turn the once-shining capital of Ancient power into a garbage dump in revenge for their Mommies and Daddies loving the humans more than them. John Sheppard has been quoted as saying, "These people need to see a shrink."
[edit] The Wraith
The Wraith were first introduced in the 8th season as a one-time enemy, and have since then grown into the leaders of a multi-billion intergalactic slave trade. They were initially created when Sheppard, bored after not killing anyone for a long time, decided to infuse a Vampire Mayan with the genome, in hopes of directing a real life Metal Gear Solid movie.
After thousands of years of accidental evolution inside McKay's time bending bedroom, the Wraith eventually become what we know and love today. With vampire-esque powers and the ability to see 10 minutes into the future, the Wraith are nearly unstoppable. In season 12, however, Sheppard bravely travels to the wraith homeworld and makes a series-changing discovery: The wraith are vulnerable to bullets. Unfortunately, due to the peaceful nature of the Atlantis Expedition, conventional weapons were taken off the list of "stuff to bring".
In the following season, the Wraith fly thousands of high-texture ships towards the floating city of Atlantis in hopes of taking human hostages so the wraith population can reproduce. Realizing that there is a 200% chance of defeat, Dr. Elizabeth Weir orders the women and children to jump into the ocean and swim hundreds of miles to the mainland, while the men stay back at Atlantis and launch the city skyward in some sort of Japanese Kamikaze attack invented during WWII. Rodney suggests faking a self destruct and then cloaking the city, but Zelenka, being a big fan of WWII, favors the kamikaze idea. Equal in strength, the two fight for 3 episodes until Ronon shoots both of them in the kneecaps and accidentally hits the cloak button in the process.
Because of their 6 second memory, the Wraith quickly forget what they were doing and began to fly their ships into each other, a great victory for Earth and Canada. The congressional medal of honor is awarded to Ronon's gun and the city stays cloaked for a season and a half because they can't figure out how to uncloak it.
[edit] Merchandising
Stargate Atlantis has spawned a wide variety of merchandising, available in most second-world countries.
- Wraith!crack Candy: Looks like real Wraith liver! Makes people totally flip out and get huge pupils. Comes in various flavors: chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, and liver.
- ZPM Adult Toys: Self-explanatory. Quite popular with the female fans.
- Puddle Jumper PJs: Cute, stylish, and practical nightwear. Impress your Mom with your coolness.
- P-90s: Shoot live rounds. Not to be used in-doors unless in times of war.
- McKay-Bear: Soft toy in the image of David Hewlett that insults the user when a string is pulled.
- Drone: Powerful projectile weapons that make you stare at them with awe even when they're killing you. Warning! Keep away from Scottish doctors!!
