Stealth Vegetables

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A stealth vegetable is a (usually edible) plant which has been designed to simultaneously be close to undetectable and to be capable of creating catastrophic damage to living or inanimate objects. Whilst stealth vegetables are still officially hypothetical, and consistently denied by the US Military, there is a growing body of evidence for the existence of several distinct forms of masticable munition.

[edit] 1. Unconfirmed weapon of mass destruction

Stealth vegetables are allegedly in development at a range of domestic and international weapons research facilities. For instance, the Belgian government runs a laboratory known as "The Benelux Ultravac Munitions Factory". At this innocuous-sounding location, devices currently in development include the aubergrenade, the rhubarbed trident, and of course the "Brussel Sprout". Also in Europe, the British have been said to be experimenting with "pomegrenades", the cauliflanger and the asparagun.

There are worrying indications that certain middle-eastern regimes may be keeping pace with their own research. Claims have been made of research into chemical- and biological-weapon versions of stealth vegetables, including aerosol hummus, weaponised chickpeas, and lentils (a non-lethal, but still incapacitating substance capable of putting entire battalions out of action).

The United States, whilst consistently close-lipped on the subject, is known to be experimenting with the "Stealth Banana" (although this last is, technically speaking, a Stealth Fruit rather than a vegetable; as stealth fruits are against the Legume Convention, the US Secretary of Defense refuses to officially admit to the status of this project).

It is said that when Bush invaded Tierack, as well as looking for oil to cook his Chicken in, he was trying to locate Saddam's secret supply of Stelth Vegetables. It is also said that he found these, and was so engrossed by them that he turned into an idiot.

The only way to destroy stelth Vegetables is to boil them at 100 degrees for 6 years, or to speed up the reaction you could add a catalyst (Laura Bush).

[edit] 2. Faux-food provided to helpless children

Allegedly, "stealth vegetable" can be applied to certain categories of processed food, including "veggie-burgers", "freedom fries", and "Caesar Salad", that attempt to hide their true constitution whilst being acceptable for children to eat. This author has not been able to verify this claim.

[edit] 3. McDonalds

It is a little known fact that the "all-beef patties" used in McDonald's burgers are actually a composite of grain and vegetable matter. This is ironic, as the "vegetables" in a McDonalds burger are actually plastic.