Steely Dan
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“Ain't never gonna do it without the Fez on.”
~ Steely Dan on Making Love
“I love Steely Dan. But, it's mostly out of fear.”
Steely Dan was a musical robot that performed jazz rock in the 1970's. Steely Dan was designed and programmed by Steve Wozniak. He is based upon the blueprints to his robotic predecessor, David Bowie (also known as Mega Man).
[edit] History
Steely Dan is the earliest predecessor of the iPod. Though he could not produce MP3 quality music, he could spew forth a sequence of beeps and boops that caught the wide appeal of music aficionados of the period. Wozniak produced the behemoth at the command of his evil master, a giant steam-powered dildo previously owned by William S. Burroughs, named Steely Dan III. In the early 70's, Dan toured America performing his famous song, "Rikki Don't Compute That Number." His critically acclaimed light show was actually the accidental byproduct of a number of violent shorts in his circuity, often killing numerous roadies and fans. As Steely Dan's musical style was honed and perfected, his shows featured a wide range of often changing band members, including Chevy Chase, Will Farrell, and a young William Shatner, before he found his true musical talent to be totally beyond the scope of what Steely Dan was heading for. By the 1980s, Steely Dan had taken on a mellower, quieter style, widely considered to have been a reflection of his controversial switch to a Macintosh operating system. This era is often seen as the golden (or rather, copper) age of Dan's career, as defined by such tunes as "Deacon Infrareds", "Hey Square Root of 361", and "Darkish Bovine". Steely Dan's presence in the nineties was heavily underplayed due to a cataclysmic battle with Rita Repulsa, in which Dan played a major role, allowing the Power Rangers to strike their final blow, and unwittingly giving the already ragged rangers adequate funds to start another half-assed attempt to recapture their former glory. Steely Dan's farewell album, originally titled "Everything Must Go", but changed at the last minute to "Screw You, I'm Keeping It", was an unexpected hit at the time of its release, but failed to bring Dan's remaining peripherals back to play with him. Dan's partner, Donald Frakken, went on to pursue a mainly fruitless solo career, and ultimately was found dead in his Chicago apartment. It was established that his untimely demise was the result of a deadly overdose while kitten huffing. Still, Steely Dan leaves behind a legacy of sheer jazz-rock kick-assery.
[edit] Music Style
Notorious for his jazzy musical style, Dan popularized the usage of the "Null Chord" which is a musical chord constructed from the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and π notes in the major scale, while emitting a high pitched squeal that was known to kill some woodland creatures. This sound was later copied by Britney Spears, and performed backwards.dan was well known for mastering the cowbell
[edit] Discography
Steely Dan produced a number of records, many of which were very successful in both American and international music charts.
- 1972 I am Robot
- 1973 Countdown to NaN
- 1974 ERROR: Divide by Zero
- 1975 DOES NOT COMPUTE
- 1976 Take this, Puny Fleshbag
- 1977 Aja
- 1978 DESTROY ALL HUMANS
- 1979 You have 20 seconds to comply
- 1990 Any Major CPU Will Tell You...
- 1998 Pyrite (Exploded Edition)
- 2003 Screw You, I'm Keeping It
- 2014 The Only Reason We're Still Alive
[edit] Mental Health
As Steely Dan matured, his circuits aged and he contracted a disease known in the medical world as "going batshit-fucking-insane". This, however, did not interfere with his grand musical talent, and there is only one recorded occasion on which Dan his been shown to have acted in any manner out of the ordinary, due to his madness. On February 19, 1999, Dan was supposedly seen talking in a German accent, assaulting Lance Henrickson, Bill Paxton, and eventually stealing an oil tanker in pursuit of Linda Hamilton.
[edit] Death
After Steely Dan's eventual descent into madness, he decided to go back on tour with an all new all-star backing band, not featuring anybody worth mention, except perhaps a well-disguised Andy Kaufman. The tour carried him, unfortuantely, to Hoboken, New Jersey, well known to be a convenient expressway to the deepest level of hell, and Dan was confronted with the tortured soul of Barbara Streisand. Dan was killed during a fierce breakdance battle with Barbara Streisand, while trying desperately to defend Andy Kaufman, with whom Dan had developed a close friendship. Despite Dan's good intentions, he was smacked down by that bitch, causing irreparable damage to his processor, killing him instantly. Upon witnessing his savior's demise, Andy Kaufman cast down his disguise, revealing himself in his true and ultimate form, Ultraman, and with his divine powers, cast Barbara Streisand back to hell, where she is punished at all hours by having to share a room, with Henny Youngman, which is, in reality, a great deal of fun for him. With the divine intervention of Ultraman/Andy Kaufman, Steely Dan was guaranteed a place in heaven, alongside Lance Henrickson, and Tim Thomerson, neither of whom are actually dead yet.
