Stephen King
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Stephen King is the world-famous author of over 3 billion horror stories, all of which, to those readers who are particularly observant, are exactly the same, with a few minor variations in the names of characters and the size of the monster's fangs. His books are widely critically acclaimed, even though no book critic has ever actually finished a Stephen King novel. "This book was so damn long," said one critic in a review of Stephen King's most famous book, It, "I actually quit after the first few chapters. But I assumed, since Stephen King is famous, that the book was automatically good, and gave it five stars anyway." This is how Stephen King earns most of his positive reviews.
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[edit] Early Life
King was born in Portland, Maine, on September 21, 1334 (this is according to the Maine calendar, in which years are based not on the birth of Christ, but on the birth of Frederick, a large lobster captured in the state early in its history). As a child, King witnessed his best friend being ran over by a train, an incident that he has no memory of, but his parents describe: "Yeah, Stephen came home and said 'My best friend just got squashed by a train. I was like, 'Oh, Steven, you must be so upset!' and he was like, 'No, it was actually kind of cool.'" This incident may have led to some of King's dark, more disturbing books that he wrote later in life, though he himself dismisses the idea: "I don't write these books because of some traumatizing event I witnesses as a kid. I write them because I'm a fucking lunatic."
King attended some small school in Maine that nobody has ever heard of, or cared about. Very few people know, however, how deeply tragic his life really was. In a recent interview with Oprah, he revealed how he had dreams as a child that were tragically shattered: "When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted to be. I...*sniff*...wanted to work in a gas station. I wanted to spend 55 years working for a miserably low wage, and then get fired two days before retiring. I wanted to be...*sniff*...a mediocrity...and look at me now! I'm a millionaire! I'm forced to spend every day of my life lounging around on couches and writing once every eight months! It's miserable!" King never achieved his dream of filling gas tanks day after day, instead he got stuck as a millionaire, writing whatever he wanted and getting paid for it.
[edit] Books
All of Steven King's books are essentially exactly the same. In every book, there are usually only about ten total pages of scary content out of about 3,000. The rest of the book is composed of filler, in which he typically spends 300 to 400 pages meticulously introducing every single character, even if the character doesn't matter at all because they die three seconds after they are introduced. His books are, however, ideal to make films out of, because every one of his books includes at least one eight-page description of someone's internal organs bursting, something American cinema fans rather enjoy.
His first book was Carrie, a story about a bunch of people dying in disgusting ways. It was a major hit, but his follow-up novel, Salem's Lot, a chilling tale about a bunch of people dying in nasty ways, was even more of a hit. Shortly after authoring this tale, King's mother died of uterine cancer. At her funeral, King expressed his regret that his mother hadn't died in a more interesting way.
Shortly after his mother's death, King announced that he would take his writing in a new direction, and he did so. His new book, It, was vastly different from his previous works; the front cover was a different color, AND it had a clown in it. The book was a major hit.
[edit] Creative Decline
However, as King's career moved on, his creativity began to linger. In an interview in which he seemed deeply saddened, King said, "I've killed the entire population of every single Maine town at least once, I've written so many books. As a matter of fact, if you look at my works as a whole, you'll realize that more people have died in total in my books than the population of Maine." This continuity issue was not the only issue facing King. He also had to deal with the fact that he was simply running out of ideas for monsters. At the beginning of his career, his stories were populated by chainsaw-weilding maniacs, giant spiders, psychotic clowns, and zombies. In contrast, his most recent book was about evil cell phones. Seriously. Evil phones. And if you thought that was absurd, wait till you read the book he's publishing next year, "Attack of the Laundry Basket from Hell." King has considered retiring, but every time he mentions this to his producer, the producer doubles King's pay for his next book, and King is suddenly inspired with a new idea.
