Stephen Wolfram

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CAUTION!!!! No No NO everyone should just go do you really want to go back to learning everyone knows that was the worst 16 years of your life so just run away crying to your mother. Your mother will invariably respond, with great loving care "Get out of my house, you prick." CAUTION!

“I once bet him a million dollars I could predict the outcome of two hundred coin flips. I got about half of them right. He still hasn't paid up and its been almost... a long time.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Stephen Wolfram.

“Men occasionally stumble over Stephen's work, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.”

~ Winston Churchill on Stephen Wolfram

“I always knew that all effects were local. That Bell fuck-up apparently "proved" otherwise but then along comes this Stephen Wolfram dude. Score one for team relativity!”

~ Albert Einstein on Stephen Wolfram

“You see? PHYSICS!”

~ Stephen Wolfram on Cellular Automata

“Rocks are computationally equivalent to humans.”

~ Stephen Wolfram on Rocks

“Stephen Wolfram is the creator of Mathematica and is widely regarded as the most important innovator in scientific and technical computing today.”

~ Stephen Wolfram on Himself

“If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.”

~ on Stephen Wolfram

“It has been proven that the universe is computationally equivalent to my ego.”

~ Stephen Wolfram on his Ego

Future image of Stephen Wolfram as seen in his Japanese Saturday morning Anime special entitled Hello Cellular Automata Fun-Fun. It was cancled in 14,0467 A.C. shortly before he gave up animation and started studying eternal bliss.

At the ripe old age of first trimester Stephen Wolfram became interested in a certain problem pertaining to the optimum way of drawing a series of Pascal's Triangles on an infinite number of chess boards. In the mind of the young zygote a plan to save all humanity crystallized that involved a time machine, a nutty conspiracy theory and the game of life.

You see the game of life is called as such because it is the bringer of life, not death. If you are against the game of life you are against life itself. That makes you a TIME PIRATE! and if there is one Stephen Wolfram hates it is the scientific establishment. Also time pirates.

[edit] A Brief History of Time (or Stephen Wolfram's auto biography)

[edit] In the Beginning/Future

In the year 14,0568 A.C. a man discovered the secret to eternal bliss. Being so overwhelmed with his invention he decided to travel back in time to tell the people of the 20th century exactly what this secret was so that maybe the future of earth could be one full of nothing but flowers and sunshine. That secret was Cellular Automata and that man was Stephen Wolfram. Unfortunately his brain nanites malfunctioned increasing his ego by 450% while decreasing his brevity to nil. Since his arrival in the 20th century he has taken 20 years to write one book. No one has read it.

[edit] Conspiracy to destroy Stephen Wolfram

You see? PHYSICS!

In spite of his overwhelming genius and suave mannerisms Stephen Wolfram faces overwhelming resistance to his majestic ideas. Many in the so called "field of science" claim that he is stupid and should shut up. Stephen denies that he is stupid and continues to violate the "shut up" order placed upon him by the scientific community. Currently he is being ignored as much an humanly possible by those who know more than he does.

[edit] Stephen Wolfram invented Mathematica

Mathematica is a brilliant tool that allows you to easily manipulate complicated mathmatical formulas into easy to understand code. In short: she's useless, and too expensive for most people, unless you want to be a l33t 5c13nt1st and get a pirated copy (Stephen Wolfran wrote the crack him self when he realized that he could not afford a copy). Some people forgive him. This is however a mistake as his ideas are really very wrong.

[edit] Cellular Automata allow only local effects you numbnuts!

In the game of life if one square is black or some shit than that only affects the squares directly adjacent. Like a billion years ago Bell proved that physics (specifically entanglement) had to be non-local. Not one to be deterred by logic Stephen Wolfram claimed that Bell had fallen under the influence of the Masons division of the We Hate Stephen Wolfram brigade (see everyone) a good 14,0300 years before Stephen Wolfram was even born.

"Oh, and pay me. Lawyers Salary." "Oh sis!"

You see? PHYSICS!