Steve Jobs

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Steve Jobs.

“Why would you want to play games on a personal computer when you can take distorted pictures of yourself instead?”

~ Steve Jobs on why his products are so obviously superior

“Against all accusations, I am self-critical ... I'm always looking for things I'm not yet perfect in.”

~ Steve "Handz" Jobs on himself

“Your're fired.”

~ Steve "AMSTRAD" Jobs on everybody else, eventually

“I pity the fool that buys Apple”

~ MR.T

“I'm trippin' ballz”

~ Steve "BLOW" Jobs

You are on the page for Steve Jobs. If you were looking for a complete fucking psycho big computer company executive, you were probably getting him confused with Steve Ballmer.

The Steve Jobs Wired Cover

Why, Steve, why?

Steve Job's first proposed logo appealed to a much smaller demographic.

Steve "What's it gonna be, a blow, hand or rim” Jobs born Stephen Jobby is a rock star who performs annually at Apple Worldwide Developers Conferences and is the leader of a religious cult, the iLemmings, under the cover of a company, Apple. Little do his fans know know that he has never banged a girl in his iLife, because his ancestry from the Greys has left him incapable of satisfying a woman (or man, or goat...). In addition his decades of unwantedness due to his homosexuality, Bill Gates ass-kissing, and just overall being the first example of someone dumber than George W. Bush, he is rendered incapable of any sexual acts other than iSex (with a Mac OS X iHooker, because Linux gives him gas and Windows kills him).

It is widely known that when Steve Jobs was born, he was already wearing a black turtleneck, dark-rimmed glasses and peppered hair. The doctors immediately knew he was destined for a life of douchebaggery. While other children in elementary school were drinking juice boxes, Jobs was already drinking triplemochadecafexpresso, which made him just a bit above the juice box conformists. Steve Jobs first started making computers in 1976, to raise money for his cult, but in 1984 he started using them as propaganda to make college students join the iLemmings.

In the beginning, the computers, called Wacintoshes, were a success. Thousands of liberal college kids bought their shiny new Wacs. Encouraged to “think different”, the people started to display the symptoms of an iLemming. These include:

Excessive smugness
Hatred of big business
Owning a big business
Spending money on Wacintosh accessories, further funding the iLemmings
Alienation from 95% of their friends, considering them inferior to them
Fanboyism against all others opposed to the new iCrap and iLemmings

This success continued until the '90s, when the iLemmings started to migrate towards a rival cult, the Microsofties. After a while, 95% of Americans were Microsofties, compared to 2% iLemmings. The Microsofties were like the iLemmings, but preferred conformity, unlike the iLemmings. The rest formed a resistance, called the Tuxes, but the Tuxes splintered into 1,000,000 groups and disappeared into obscurity.

Things turned around for the iLemmings in 2001, when the iLemmings created a new product called the iBrainWash. Soon, 100% of hipsters, 100% of Livejournal users, and 66.6% of nuns were being brainwashed to join the iLemmings. The President of the U.S. was replaced with a Steve Jobs clone, called the iClone. The iLemmings have taken over all of America with hip products, with the exception of a few Microsofties and Tuxes hiding in large office buildings and damp cellars, respectively.

Steve Jobs at work

1 Past
2 Ancestry
3 Off To Jail
4 After Jail
5 Conspiracy Theories
6 Steve Jobs and the Bible
7 Marriage to Bill Gates
8 Death
9 Jobs comes back to life
10 Further reading
11 Apple's biggest inventions
12 See also

[edit] Past

Steve Jobs grew up in Fucketonianstan, his mother was a golf ball, and his father was his mother. In 1432 he joined the Czech army and was promoted to lead Shitter cleaner. After his resignation from the army, he ended up living out on the streets of Baltimore, making 10 cents a day guessing peoples weight and an occasional pimp profession. He comes from a long line of treehuggers, and whenever he sees a squirrel, he has a tendency to stand guard until it gathers its nuts (or his own). He can currently be seen giving lap dances behind the Dairy Queen NeXT door to a Taco Bell, where he takes shits in the bean burritos. and he's the biggest ass in the world !!!

[edit] Ancestry

Steve Jobs descended from a long line of crazed warriors who have just recently been filmed in their natural habitat (see 300). Stevus Jobus, the Job's Spartan ancestor led these people. His sales approach was considered very controversial throughout history, as he killed as many as 1,000 customers in his battle for dominance over the world market.

The Stevus Jobus approach to sales.

[edit] Off To Jail

In July, 2006, Steve Jobs was arrested and sent to jail for illegally backdating stock options. During the trial he stamped and screamed and said "But Microsoft's a Monopoly," but that only seemed to make the judge angrier.

On another legal note, Steve Jobs was friends with The Beatles, and smoked weed with them back in the day, which is where the conflict between Apple and The Beatles originated from. After taking a hit off a bad joint, John Lennon came up with the idea for the Apple computer. It was alleged that Steve Jobs, wanting to take credit for the idea himself, had Lennon killed so he could not be sued later for stealing the idea. However, everyone involved was so stoned at the time of the alleged incidents, that no one was able to give a coherent account of what actually happened, so the case was never brought to trial.

Steve Jobs remodeling Apple Inc.

[edit] After Jail

Steve Jobs was enjoying his time in jail, and the company of his cellmates John Mark Carr and Mel Gibson. Until he was recently kidnapped by two [to three] college students who refer to themselves as The Cult of A,E,I,O,U (and sometimes Y). Jobs was held for many days without any trace. Finally it came to the forefront that Jobs was locked naked in a cage, with only a multicolored apple which had a bite taken out of it. The cult seemed to have been angered at Apple for promoting non conformity. The cult was captured when they tried to capture Bono, the lead singer of U2, because Steve Jobs had suffered so terribly under the captivity of the cult the U.S. president decided to pardon from having to serve the remaining jailtime. After being free once again, Jobs went back to his baby eating, i(insert rendition here) creating and playa hatin'.

Ah, the good ol' days...

[edit] Conspiracy Theories

Steve Jobs is rumored to have been working undercover in Roswell at the time of the UFO incident, and supposedly exploited alien technology in the making of his iBrainWash. What else would explain how Jobs could so effectively market a product to the nuns? He was also rumored to have been a candidate in the 2004 American Election but he resigned from politics after Congress refused to rename the War on Terror to iRaq. Steve Jobs is also accused of being the Hobgoblin an arch-enemy of Spider-Man revealed after Infinite Crisis. Steve was once stated to admit that he would kill off everyone in his company to replace the stars of the U.S. flag into half eaten apples. This has not yet been confirmed. What Bill Gates Says On The Matter

[edit] Steve Jobs and the Bible

Jobs recently sued the Christian church for using his name in the Book of Job without adequate compensation. The case, Jobs v. God, is currently on trial. Both parties have refused to comment formally, but sources close to Jobs indicate that he "feels pretty good" about his chances in the case, stating that "God doesn't really appeal to today's youth, but iGod certainly will."

[edit] Marriage to Bill Gates

On the 30th of May, Jobs announced that he and Gates have been keeping their marriage a secret for the past decade. The ramifications of this for shareholders of both Microsoft and Apple are unknown. It is also unknown if Microsoft's decision to enter the coffee table market is at all related.

On the night of November 13, Jobs gave birth to their first child, a son. Steve wanted to name him Luked. Gates had not been informed of this. However, during the birthing of Luke, Jobs made it apparent that their son would be named Luke, for he shouted "Luke, I am your father!" Though overwhelmed with joy, both Jobs and Gates are discussing whether the child should become the heir of Apple or Microsoft. It is rumored he will inherit both companies, but this information is still unknown until further notice.

[edit] Death

Steve Jobs died in a car accident caused by a runaway shopping cart of Macintosh apples. The weird thing about the accident is there was no store for over a mile.

[edit] Jobs comes back to life

After the car accident Bill Gates knew he could live yet again. By using Apples lattest computers and the great power of the XBox 360 wired onto Steve Jobs he could be rebuilt and would become "Steve Jobs 2.0!." He was a mighty robot that was loved by good and feared by evil. Jobs was half man, half machine, all that Microsoft had to offer. Steve Jobs soon would become an enemy not only to Microsoft but to his closest ally Bill Gates. Steve Jobs would soon go insane and go down the pathway of destruction! One day the mighty Jobs destroyed Microsofts new computer modles and several other untested prototypes. Bill Gates, along with his well armed workers, ran to the sounds of destruction and the words,"JOBS SMASH!." As Gates and his workers got to the scene Jobs was still at large and Gates knew what he had to do. Gates ordered his workers to open fire upon the crazy machine. Pings went off as the bullets bounced off Jobs' metal chase. The underpaid workers were beginning to freak out and resorted to charge at Jobs. Their last resort was not only damn stupid, but instantly failed with their lives. Gates was the only one left that opposed Jobs. Gates pulled out that which destroyed Jobs in the first place, a Macintosh apple. Though this was no ordinary Macintosh apple, it was a rotten one. With a mighty throw the Macintosh smashed into Jobs' face as the rotten apple leaked juice into his circuits. With sparks flying from his body Jobs finally was destroyed making Bill Gates a hero. Apparently Bill Gates underestimated the power that Jobs weilded which was primarily the XBox 360. Gates finally realized the 360 held powers no man could understand. Microsoft lost their new products that year which made Sony top selling company for the next two years. Bills Gates fell into a deep depression causing Gates to spend most of his fortune to rebulid the new products which would eventually cause the company to fail in three years. Gates would then use microsoft for the military.