Steve McClaren
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“In Soviet Russia, European Finals fail to qualify for England!”
~ Russian Reversal on English Football
“Sono entrato ed ho dovuto pulire la merda lui a sinistra dietro.”
~ Fabio Capello on The state he left the England squad in.
13 October 2006
Second - Choice Steve McClaren is an anti-illusionist, that is, he shows people things as they really are. His latest project has seen him appointed to the England football manager's job. Here, he plans to dispel the myth surrounding English football that its players, coaches or anyone who actually has anything to do with the game is any good at their jobs. England fans were not pleased when they found this out, as they'd quite enjoyed living in their nostalgic little bubbles for the past 40 years, and set about lighting torches and sharpening their pitchforks in expectation of yet another very public managerial execution.
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[edit] Pre-England Days
Steve McClaren probably had a youth of some sort. It probably involved him being bullied for being Ginger. But you don't really care about any of that. What YOU really want to know about is his prestigious managerial career. Well, um... Steve began his career at Derby County, who he took to six consecutive Championship trophies, three FA Cups and the final of the UEFA Champions League, where his side were narrowly beaten by Barcelona FC. Then his wife told him to stop playing football simulation games on the computer and to get a real job instead. So he did, becoming assistant to sir "his head will burst any minute, just look how red it is" Alex Ferguson at American soccer giants the Manchester United Rowdies. Sir Alex chose Steve as his assistant because he is Scottish, and everybody knows Scots love people who have ginger hair. Eventually, and after having his already dazzling teeth whitened for the purpose, so that Russian cosmonauts could see him from space, Steve accepted his first proper managerial appointment, at Middlesbrough. This godforsaken corner of the British Isles was a haven for expensive foreign mercenaries with careers on the wain, but Steve McClaren turned their fortunes around, winning the English league cup soon after arriving at the club. The cup was later destroyed by the Middlesbrough chairman because he discovered it was made of tin foil, which really set his teeth on edge. McClaren's other achievements at the club saw him take them to the UEFA cup final, a European competition that no-one much cares about, where they were eventually hammered by a bunch of lazy Spaniards. He also took Middlesbrough to new heights of mid-table mediocrity in the league, where the team played football so fluent and exciting that it caused fan's brains to dribble out of their ears. With the sound of Middlesbrough fans tearing their season tickets to shreds music to the FA's ears, they decided after a lengthly interview process to appoint him as the next England manager, because it meant they could get him on the cheap. It also meant that the team would be picked by the man who picked Sven's sides for him. This must be true as Manchester City are riding high in the league and like many of Steve McClaren teams, England now have to rely on other teams to move on.
[edit] The England Football Manager Project
Second-Choice Steve was actually the FA's second choice (hence the name) to succeed Swedish love machine Sven Goran Eriksson as England manager. Gene Hackman star of many meaty character roles in films and a world cup winner no less, was their first choice, but the Portugal manager was scared away by overly patriotic (see, also xenophobic) British journalists, who surrounded him and fired their rifles into the air, frightening him back into the undergrowth. Steve McClaren, who had been an assistant to Sven Goran Eriksson, had no such worries, as under the Swede he had learned to lower his body temperature to such a degree that he could remain motionless for hours on end. This would cause the gathering journalists to abandon their search for blood because to them the manager and his assistant would appear to be dead already. This tactic worked for Mr Eriksson for nye on 6 years before anyone cottoned on to what he was up to. Anyway, The English Fans Cried For A English Manager, thus McClaren was appointed England manager in 2006. Unbeknown to everyone else however, he and the FA had a secret plan that has come to be known as 'The England Football Manager Project.'
[edit] The England Football Manager Project
It's simple really. England fan's expectations were far too high, so the FA set about lowering them. Actually winning a world cup or European championship, well, that was a big ask. But qualifying for the tournaments in the first place, that was do-able. Beating the best teams in the world was hard. But drawing against a bunch of spear chucking natives from the former colonies they could probably do. So the FA appointed the worst possible candidate to manage the England team in the hope of making them so mind bogglingly awful that even the most mediocre yet positive result would be greeted as a success. So far, the project seems to be working...
[edit] Trivia
- Steve was actually appointed due to the FA not wanting to fall foul of the Disability Discrimination Act. It was decided that hiring a retard who couldn't do the job would work, so Steve McClaren was hired.
- Steve was originally a clown in his younger days. You can tell since his tactics were a 'joke'.
- Steve's hair is actually a dead cactus
- Steve does actually look like everybody's Mum's Uncle
- Steve loves pan-pipe music, especially So Solid Crew
- Steve's teeth have actually been found to contain traces of radiation.
- Steve's catchprases include "Magnificent", "Rub my green bits for money NOW!" and "Dominate my balls."
- Steve is a bodysnatcher reincarnated as an alleged football manager.
