Still life

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In art, a still life (a.k.a. "dead life") is a drawing, painting, photograph, videotape, or tridimensional holographic projection of one or more inanimate dead thingies, including an apple.

1 Composition
2 Angles and Illumination
3 Fine Details
4 Legal
5 Harassment Issues
6 Salary
7 See Also

[edit] Composition

The starving artist begins by placing several miscellaneous objects on a tablecloth-covered table, including a apple. The apple is, invariably, the focal point of the still life. It is a cardinal rule, or a fundamental law of nature even, that a standard still life must contain at least one (1) apple, ripe and juicy red, polished to absolute perfection. The apple is the star of the show; it reigns supreme, and, as such, must be carefully positioned at or very close to the center of the surrounding objects.

[edit] Angles and Illumination

It is vitally important that the apple be properly illuminated from the left side, at precisely a 45° angle between the artist and the light source, and an elevation of 23.4° from the verticle, with a full-spectrum back-reflected 100 watt incandescent light source positioned no more that 5.7 meters away from the apple. The view of the apple must not be blocked in any way shape or fashion by any other object, unless the intervening object is another apple, in which case no more that a 10% cross-sectional area of the central apple may be permissibly obscured. The apple must not be covered with any form of fabric, paper, gauze, gold trim, or thin slices of cheese; it must remain in a state of total nudity in order to properly portray the apple's dynamic role in the midst of the overall setting. The apple must, at all times, remain perfectly verticle, precariously balanced on the slightly elevated protrusions surrounding its ventral indentation.

[edit] Fine Details

The stem of the apple must extent at least 1.3 cm above the apple's dorsal indentation, slightly curved to the right, and include a bare minimum of two (2) apple leaflets still attached. The body of the apple must not be cut, sliced, bitten, bruised, or peeled, as the internal flesh of the apple is prone to developing a disgusting brownish coloration. The apple must not be infested with worms, ants, termites, boll weevils, or show any sign of previous infestation on its immaculate skin.

[edit] Legal

The still life artist must cater to the needs and demands of the apple, no matter how how seemingly vain or trivial. If any part of the preplanned arrangement of the still life is changed during preproduction, the apple's acting agents and representative attorneys must be immediately notified in writing at least three business days before the proposed change (or changes) is to take effect. The apple has final say on whether or not any other object in the still life will be permitted to come within 4 cm of physical contact with the apple; this is necessary to safeguard the apple's all-important comfort zone.

[edit] Harassment Issues

In no manner may the apple be an object of humor or derision, such as placing a sign near the apple that says "APPLES ARE SO RETARDED (D'UH!)" with a large arrow pointing directly at the apple. Neither shall the apple be encouraged to engage in promiscuous sex acts with the banana, the cucumber, or with, God forbid, another apple. The apple's holiness and chastity and wholesome G-rated purity must never be besmirched by any hint of uncleansliness or slovenity by the inappropriate placement and/or orientation of the banana, such as aligning the banana with the apple in a degrading or otherwise inappropriate posture.

[edit] Salary

In accordance with the regulations and bylaws enforced by the Still Life Guild of Hollywood, California, the apple must be paid a minimum of 75% of all royalties resulting from the sale of the original art work, or the sale of authenticated reproductions thereof, or an upfront fee of $50,000 per hour in the studio if total projected sales are not anticipated to exceed $85,000. The apple is to retain all copyright, copyleft, and copyshmopy privileges in regard to all future artistic portrayals that may infringe on the apple's public image, including unintentional resemblances by any other still life object that may be confused with the apple's professional portrayal of a still-life apple.