Sting
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“O Sting, where is thy death?”
~ William Shakespeare on Sting
Sting Harkonnen is a well known British jazz singer and defender of the universe. Sometimes referred to as "Stink," he is famous for his challenging lyrics and complex rhythms, gathered from a wealth of influences around the world. Some 2,000 years ago he sung with The Scorpions before going out on his own in Iowa's famous Maroon Light District.
He is also known as a natural narcotic and sleeping agent with the ability to put entire stadiums into coma-like trances. Sting also plays the bass, which makes him better than all other musicians combined by 12 orders of magnitude.
He is known to participate in Total Nonstop Action Snooker under an assumed name, cleverly disguising himself as The Crow
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[edit] Origin of the Nickname Sting
Sting was born Gordon Ingalls Winter Sumner. Music scholars avoiding real employment have offered many possible theories as to the origin of his moniker Sting. A long standing rumor is that he received this nickname during a game of Nude Twister with Sir Sean Connery. During a rousing and competitive match, which was viewed by millions on BBC on July 19, 1968, Sting attempted a daring maneuver, now considered legendary, by performing a one-armed one-footed back bend to gain a considerable lead over Mr. Connery. However, so sooner than he did this, a West-African Horned Bumble Bee landed on his semi-erect penis, stinging it. Although he won the match, Sting had to be rushed to a nearby ambulance, accompanied by Connery. During the ride, Connery had been rumored to remark jokingly on this occurrence by saying, " Now that you have dethroned me ash 'King of All Thingsh Twishter', you too get to feel the shting (loosely translated to 'Sting') of defeat! ", followed by a blood curdling laugh.
One claim states that his sister, L’Shaniqua Sumner, gave him the name at the age of three when she first heard him sing God Save The King, and subsequently tried to commit suicide by sticking her face into a beehive.
In middle school, Sumner was taunted by other students who disliked his lack of any real talent, constant self-promotion, and repeated shirtlessness. Sumner would often rub down his naked torso with rancid grease from the cafeteria to make himself glisten, then stand in front of a full length mirror for hours admiring his shining pecs and learning from his greatest influence, Jimi Hendrix. Sometimes on a hot day, the reflection of the sun off the mirror would start to cook the rotten fat, making everyone’s eyes sting.
At an early performance at Glastonbury, the Gordie Sumner Topless Robot Dancing Experience opened for Soul Diesel, an industrial-funk-metal group weighing in at 1800 pounds. Sumner went on and on about political causes, then sang an early version of “The Russians Love Their Children Too”. When Soul Diesel finally got on stage, they found the audience curled up in the fetal position covering their ears. The promoters attempted to revive people with bird calls and the use of water cannons, but the lead singer grew impatient with the delay. He remarked into the microphone, “What do you call that? That guy stinks. I mean, stink, stink, stink.” Soul Diesel then brought Sumner back on stage for a mocking “encore”. The audience laughed uncontrollably as Sumner painted his face black and attempted to sing Welsh coal mining songs. Soul Diesel wanted to name him Stink, but that name was already taken by another band on the program, Love Stink Experience, so they named him “Stink King”, and subsequently, Sting.
American record executive Paul Shapiro, when he first heard Sting’s demo recording of “Da-Goo-goo-ga-ga:I’ve filled my diaper”, remarked, this garbage will make a lot of money. His colleagues asked him what effects it will have on the general public, to which he replied, it will really sting.
[edit] Sting Facts
- The present participant of stung.
- A chronic nymphomania guest of Oprah Winfrey best known for turning the art of singing falsetto while wrestling into a career.
- That which is taken away by a well-placed pat of butter.
- When Sting retires, he will become Stung, according to Colin Mochrie.
- He is a practitioner of tan trick sex, in which copulation is performed in UV light boxes.
- Every breath you take, he's watching you (see Santa).
- His porksword turns blue when orcs are nearby.
- It's not a good idea to stand so close to him.
- Had a love child with the cereal icon Boo Berry. The child is known today as Mr. Murgola
- The United Nations ordered him to finally put his shirt back on when he reached the age of 40, crushing his life long dream to make contact with aliens by making his rippling abs visible in outer space.
[edit] Sting's view on Sting
Sting hates butter, but loves "I Can't Believe It's Homogenized Kitten Cerebellum, Because It Tastes a Little Like Butter!" Sting also hates being a verb, and is currently working on becoming a conjunction or adverb.
Amusingly, Sting has never actually been stung. Sting doesn`t like polish sausage.
Did you know that...When Sting retires he will be known as Stung!?
It's also possible that when he retires he will be known as Stinged. It is reported that he is carefully considering the matter.
Sting says that he wrote most of his biggest hits while taking acid and mushrooms simultaneously as well as experimenting in unsafe sex with many anonymous partners.
Sting thought the song "Fuck Tha Police" was about his former band and became so outraged that he wrote a rap song called "Fuck N.W.A." and stated publicly "Ice Cube is a punk ass bitch. His name is Ice Cube not because he's cold as ice, but because when heated he melts! And I'm bringing the heat mother fucker!" After showing the rap to his label, they told him that the song "Fuck tha Police" was not about his band but about the Los Angeles Police Department. After hearing this he confronted Eazy E, apologized about his statements and attempts to write a rap song, and the two became lifelong friends until E's death. They even recorded a duet called "Eazy and Sting Reppin' the Compton Style, Yo!", but due to legal issues of E's estate the song was never released publicly.
[edit] Fake Stings
Sting got tired of always going in public all the time so he set up a clown college to pay for his groceries.
[edit] Defender of the universe
Sting found his long lost twin brother, John Constantine, and he started to train in the ways of the Jedi. This led him to start to channel his music into a deadly weapon. He also learned such moves as the combat Clone Wars and fought numerous people. He also fought Sanjaya Malakar, aka the Red Skull.
[edit] Sting and the Apcolypse
It has been rumored that the apocalypse had occured around the time he went solo. God never heard Synchronocity 69 and and was mad. REALLY MAD. So he opened up a time portal and banished sting to 2 B.C. because 2 B.C. sucked. But instead sting ended up in 2112 and helped Neil Peart, who was just a humbled office supplies inventor, become a war hero by giving him a pair of drum sticks, which Neil use to castrate many a Syrinxian and thousands of Analog Kids. When the war was over Sting looke for a way to get back to the '80s and by that time Rush had been formed and they were writing the Cygnus X-1 suite. At the first performance Sting sang and the awesomeness broke the water of life 4 moths early and a time portal opened and they all got sucked through. When Sting came back he was mad at god. REALLY MAD. And so he went looking for love. He found a large hairy white...dog. And Neil christened it Snowdog. But the dog which could run at the speed of light ran away and Sting was mad because he couldn't be Next To You. Then he went into a depression and hid in the tower of the Necromancer. God decided that if he couldn't get his song then Sting would pay. But God couldn't find Sting, because God had destroyed Middle Earth 80,000,000,000 years ago. So God decided that it was time for an apocalypse. But then sting realized what he had to do and went to work writing Syncronocity 69. When he presented it to God, he disguised it as Hannah Montana's Debut Album. God was disgusted, and he learned his lesson. God then went from being mean to being to nice, to make it up to Sting.
[edit] See also
- The Amazon Rainforest Indian Cheif with a CD Player in his Mouth
- wookies
- Sting Theory
- Police Academy
- Bee
- Sting's only real child
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