Sting Theory

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Theory developed by London-based music critic Alan Higglethwaite in the early 1980s, which posits that any pasty white musician with only one name who desires to "start off punk and end up smooth jazz" should quit school, practice odd religions, embrace duets with odd musicians, and start learning the spinnaret, and, further, that one need not stay with one's more talented bandmates any longer than necessary before stealing their thunder and cashing in.

Happily, Madonna, the most notable adherent to this theory to date, has totally mucked it up for future followers by not actually "ending up Jazz." It is Madonna's failure to prove this theory which explains the failed musical careers of many other one-name artists, including Tiffany and, anachronistically speaking, Cher, who today is most notable for being Oprah Winfrey's second-in-command.

Quotes:

"Forget the weather, we should always be together; any other thought is unkind. It would be better to be cool, it's not time to be open just yet. A lesson once learned is so hard to forget. I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean, my logic has drowned in a sea of emotion. I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien; I'm an Englishman in New York. In Europe and America, there's a growing feeling of hysteria- conditioned to respond to all the threats in the rhetorical speeches of the Soviets. They're dancing with their fathers, they're dancing with their sons, they're dancing with their husbands, they dance alone! They dance alone!"

-Sting, unknown topic