Stoner High School/Election history
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[edit] Election Results, 2006
[edit] The Tyler Incident
HM King Tyler I was elected with 100% of the vote as King for the 2006-2007 school year, but his supporters helped him win illegally by dying orange kittens brown and distributing them to the voters, who were deceived into believing the kittens were of the Chocolate variety rather than the much stronger Melange Spice type (which is what they were). The result was an election in which all of the voters were either unable to vote due to being high off kittens or trying to stop the aforementioned high persons from driving off in cars and getting themselves killed in high-speed collisions or impromptu demolition derbies. Hence, Tyler's supporters cast all of the ballots in the election; however, when the kittens wore off, the SHS Army, which had previously been frantically attempting to maintain order on campus, hastily deposed Tyler and called a new election.
His supporters claimed it was an outrage that the first monarch elected from the Orange Kitten Party (OKP) was expelled from SHS. They were summarily arrested and likewise expelled, and the Orange Kitten Party now survives only in a handful of underground splinter groups claiming the OKP legacy much as modern KKK and Neo-Nazi groups claim some basis in history. The OKP is now listed as a terrorist organization by the FBI.
Legislation passed unanimously by the Board of Governors and the Privy Council and signed by the Queen has erased Tyler's name from the list of monarchs and the student rolls, expunging him from SHS history entirely. Tyler himself was handed over to the Fockersville County Sheriff's office and has been brought up on multiple felony drug charges in connection with the election incident.
[edit] Candidates
The 2006 elections for the 2006-2007 monarchy were won by SHS Marshal of the Imperial Air Force Sophie Easterbrooke III, endorsed by the Blue Coalition, following a general election and a runoff election. She defeated:
- Main challenger the Rt. Hon. Michael "Mike" Jones of the Brown Keg Party, a member of the Board of Governors, chairman of the Hard Liquor Promotion Subcommittee and strong supporter of pro-drinking legislation.
- Lady Jane Markowitz of the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate, Member of the Privy Council and Tiffany III's Minister of Beverages.
- Brandon Tyler of the Chauvinist Union, best known as a fierce defender of anti ball-kicking laws. Strongly held beliefs are believed to stem from one incident in which he was allegedly kicked in the balls by his ex-girlfriend, Patricia Schwitters.
- Patricia Schwitters of the Feminist Party, best known as a fierce opponent of anti ball-kicking laws. Indicted and charged with kicking ex-boyfriend Brandon Tyler in the balls, but 6-man, 6-woman jury resulted in a mistrial. Retrial pending.
- Zack Harris, one of two members of the Bluenose Party, favoring the prohibition of alcohol. Candidacy was regarded by most as a complete waste of time. He did not help matters by requiring that anyone attending his events be completely sober.
[edit] General Election, June 15th
| Candidate | Party (unofficial) | Votes | % | |
| MIAF. Sophie Easterbrooke III | Blue Coalition | 235,859 | 49.47 | |
| The Rt. Hon. Michael Jones | Brown Keg Party | 117,832 | 24.71 | |
| Lady Jane Markowitz | Brown Coffeepot Syndicate | 98,087 | 20.57 | |
| Brandon Tyler | Chauvinist Union | 12,526 | 2.63 | |
| Patricia Schwitters | Feminist Party | 12,493 | 2.62 | |
| Zack Harris | Bluenose Party | 2 | 0 | |
| Total | 476,799 | 100 | ||
[edit] Runoff, June 17th
| Candidate | Party (unofficial) | Votes | % | |
| MIAF. Sophie Easterbrooke III | Blue Coalition | 358,352 | 75 | |
| The Rt. Hon. Michael Jones | Brown Keg Party | 119,447 | 25 | |
| Total | 477,799 | 100 | ||
[edit] Analysis
The election of 2006 was defined by the Twinkie rationing controversy. Sophie Easterbrooke III, the Blue Coalition party candidate, promised to continue Tiffany III's policy objective of ending the unpopular rationing program and privatizing the government Twinkie monopoly.
Her main rival, the Rt. Hon. Michael Jones of the Brown Keg Party, advocated a tightening on the restrictions of Twinkie possession. While his platform plank of approving the sale of hard liquor in school vending machines (currently only beer and wine may be sold in such machines) garnered many votes, he was ultimately done in by this ideological position against Twinkie consumption.
The other major candidate, Lady Jane Markowitz of the Brown Coffeepot Union, also supported Twinkie privatization and publicly threw her votes behind Miss Easterbrooke in the runoff election. She was subsequently elected Vice Queen. Some suspect a "corrupt bargain" in the manner of John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay, but the records of both Lady Markowitz and Chief Marshal Easterbrooke would suggest this is simply Brown Keg fearmongering.
[edit] Election Results, 2007
[edit] Candidates
The 2006 elections for the 2006-2007 monarchy were won by SHS Minister of Finance Teresa Osborne, endorsed by the Blue Coalition. A runoff was not required because the general election produced an absolute majority. She defeated:
- Main challenger Sir Maximilian DeLarkey of the Brown Keg Party, who was this year's Director of Controlled Substances.
- Field Marshal Leroy Jenkins of the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate, deputy chief of operations for the Stoner High School Imperial Army.
- James Griffin, also known as "Jack the Skipper", of the Chauvinist Union, best known for having the worst attendance record in SHS history. Suffered from severe name recognition problems. Was not seen at any formal campaign events; however, several school tabloids reported sightings at on-campus bars.
- The Feminist Party nominated their candidate from last year, Patricia Schwitters. However, she was convicted in her retrial on charges of kicking ex-boyfriend Brandon Tyler in the balls and thus disqualified. The Feminist Party then nominated Mary Jane Rotmensen, a non-voting freshman representative on the Board of Governors.
- Zack Harris, the sole remaining member of the Bluenose Party.
- Lonica Mewinsky of the Sex Party, best known as the drama club's leading porn star.
[edit] General Election, June 15th
| Candidate | Party (unofficial) | Votes | % | |
| The Rt. Hon. Teresa Osborne | Blue Coalition | 301,590 | 59.15 | |
| Field Marshal Leroy Jenkins | Brown Coffeepot Syndicate | 104,687 | 20.53 | |
| Sir Maximilian DeLarkey | Brown Keg Party | 87,420 | 17.54 | |
| Mary Jane Rotmensen | Feminist Party | 9,672 | 1.90 | |
| James Griffin | Chauvinist Union | 6,424 | 1.26 | |
| Lonica Mewinsky | Sex Party | 69 | 0 | |
| Zack Harris | Bluenose Party | 1 | 0 | |
| Total | 509863 | 100 | ||
[edit] Analysis
The vote split massively in favor of Miss Osborne due to the other candidates' heavy use of attack ads and other aggressive tactics against each other. Feminist party candidate Rotmensen ran an ad on Radio Free Stoner which purported to be secret recordings of DeLarkey engaging in homosexual conversation, while dozens of photoshopped pictures of Rotmensen's face skillfully superimposed on stills from Sex Party candidate Mewinsky's porn videos were traced back to the DeLarkey campaign. Harris was seen on the day of the election denouncing everyone and being pelted with rotten food by SHS Ministry of Beverages agents.
It appears that Osborne was able to capture a large majority by staying above the fray. Field Marshal Jenkins' campaign manager, Harvey Blueballs, complained bitterly that she had the unfair advantage of being infinitely better looking than all the other candidates. The Brown Keg camp was even more disturbed, as stories like this became all too common:
“Duuude... I'm... votin' for Teresa, man... I always vote Brown Keg, but she's, like, totally awesome, just out of this world... hotter than a bowl of chili in a blast furnace... yeah... soooo bomb, man...”
~ Justin McFarlane, Class of 2009 on whom he planned to vote for
Osborne was also widely credited with bringing about the massive weed export agreement with Costco, which is expected to generate nearly 666 billion extra credit points ($92.5 billion USD) over the next 5 years. This, combined with her extraordinary attractiveness, appears to explain the extremely poor showing of the Brown Keg candidate DeLarkey. A Gallup poll taken the day before the election showed that nearly two thirds of voters believed Osborne was the candidate most likely to "bring sexy back", while most of the others answered "don't know".
Outside environmentalist groups raised concerns that Miss Osborne was bad for the environment:
“I am gravely concerned... that due to her extreme hotness, Miss Osborne is the single greatest contributor to the imminent global warming crisis. The threat posed by this climatic bombshell... must not be underestimated.”
~ Al Gore on Osborne's environmental impact
However, these arguments gained little traction, particularly among the male demographic. An AP/Ipsos poll asked whether such concerns affected voters' choices. 2% responded "yes," 48% responded "no," 35% responded "hell no," and 15% responded "hell fucking no."
Outside observers were also surprised that Field Marshal Jenkins pulled ahead of Director DeLarkey in the final vote tally, especially given that there were numerous confirmed reports of DeLarkey's drug and alcohol use, which is believed to have helped him in the polls. This, however, may simply again reflect the substantial defection of Brown Keg voters to Osborne.
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