Stonewall Jackson
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| Date of birth: | January 21, 1824 | |
| Place of birth: | Clarksburg, West Virginia | |
| Nationality: | American, particularly from the Southern United States. Thus, South American | |
| Date of Passing: | May 10, 1863 | |
| Pwns: | Mexico, Zorro, Northerners, and even Charles Norris | |
Thomas Jonathan "Stonewall" Jackson (1824-1863) was a general of South America in the Civil War[1]Among his many exploits were: the conquering of Mexico City, burninating the Northern army in the Civil War, and hating all races of Black and Mexican people. He was also the manliest man ever.
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[edit] Life
The early life of T.J. "Stonewall" Jackson was a normal one. Other than being raised by the typical South American white anglo-saxon family to hate black people, (he would later learn to grow in his hate during the Mexican-American War and during the Civil War) Jackson was the average child. Jackson was so typically Southern, that he was said to have taught a black person to read, only so that he could harass and berate him with letters and notes as well. He then enlisted in the army, in order to prove he was not white trash. He once ate puber like Alan M.
[edit] The Mexican-American War
Jackson fought in the Mexican-American war, in which he grew in his hate of other peoples and nations. He could not believe how the Mexicans so staunchly defended the Southwest region, as it was clear to him and everyone that due to Manifest Destiny, Mexico and the Southwest clearly belonged to the United States. (which had only declared war on the most noble premise of helping Texas claim long-lasting freedom) While dueling the Mexican President, Zorro atop Chapultapec Fortress, Jackson is said to have entangled President Zorro in his mighty chesthair, resulting in the surrender of Mexico. In the end, the Americans offered to pay for 1/30th of the land they rightfully stole from its people for about $100[2] in what is known as the Gadsden Purchase.
[edit] The Civil War
With tensions rising between North and South America, Jackson resolved that he would stick with the South Americans. This choice hampered the north, as two of the Union's best officers were now part of the Confederate States of South America.
[edit] Bull Run
His first battle, Bull Run, was where he earned his nickname "Stonewall." While trying to stop a Confederate retreat, he ran into a stone wall. As the Union soldiers laughed at him, the confederates shot them down. This is how they won this battle. While leading his troops into battle, some say Jackson ran headlong into them with his saber only and his beard grew to enormous length and width, shielding him from bullets like a stone wall. As this distracted the yanks and wanks, the South American army proceeded to shower them in bullets, whilst Jackson dueled each man individually with his mighty saber. The South American Confederacy won the battle, and it was hailed as Jackson's greatest tactical victory.
[edit] Rivalry
During the war, Jackson developed a rivalry with Union general Joseph Hooker. Hooker was said to have whordes of female attendants who would aid him each night after a battle, but Jackson's extreme manliness was causing some of them to defect to the other side and give him information. Hooker, having contracted a smorgasboard of secksually transmitted diseases, sent one whore on a secret mission to seduce Jackson and give him AIDS, syphillis, and chylamidia.[3] However, Jackson resisted the temptations and sent her off. Instead, the whore had secks with some other guy who in turn shot Jackson.
[edit] The Truth
It is time. After years of exhausting study the truth about Stonewall has been revealed. He is actually a Sith lord. I'll guess that your reaction to that statement was something along the lines of, "VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!", right? Of course I'm right. Let me present the facts:
1: He was fearless in battle. (He knew that he could stop any bullets coming near him.)
2: His favorite weapon was a sword. (more specifically a saber, the type of weapon carried by both Jedi and Sith.)
3: He was a traitor.
4: He believed everything was black and white. (To quote [Obi-Wan], "only Sith deal in absolutes.")
5: No Jedi is killed by an enemy foot soldier. It is always another Jedi or traitors. This was the case with Jackson at Chancellorsville. (He was killed by his own men who feared his dark power.)
6: After he died, the Confederates began to lose badly. Research has shown this was because the North had Lincoln, a Jedi, and everyone knows that the team with the Jedis always win (except when they don't).
After faced with that strong argument you must be truthiness in that statement. Since you are convinced, you should put this in an envelope and mail it to 7 people you know so they can mail it to 7 people they know. If you do, the force will be with you if-your-name-is-Luke, always.
[edit] Manliness
Stonewall Jackson is indisputably the manliest man ever. He beats out Chuck Norris by a long shot.
