Strongly worded letter

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

To Whom it May Concern

On the 6th September 2006, I wrote this article, and I am yet to receive any feedback. I believe I expressed a number of real concerns which you have not yet addressed. In case my previous article was lost in the post, I will repeat my concerns here, and I trust that this article will reach you in good time.

On a number of occasions I have been exposed to severely substandard treatment by your so-called 'volunteers'. Rudeness, inflexibility, laziness and low intelligence are words which come to mind. When confronted about my concerns, my complaints are dismissed off-handedly, without fail. I implore you to reassess your hiring and training schemes.

Thank you for reading this article. I look forward to your prompt reply.

Yours sincerely,

Aaadddaaammm 10:14, 6 September 2006 (UTC)

[edit] Response

Dear Mr Abdul,

Please accept our heartfelt apologies in not responding sooner. We trust you appreciate that we are a busy organization, and that the majority of our time is spent in seeking to maintain our excellent position within the market. This includes good customer relations.

Whilst we cannot at this time speak with any specifics about your individual case, I would like to assure you that we are doing everything within our powers to ensure the smooth running of our services and maintain the goodwill of the general public.

With regards to our volunteer hiring program, we adhere to governmental regulations, ensuring that our numbers meet with the statutory representation of cultural, religious and ethnic minorities, power mad ego maniacs and morons reflected in modern society.

With regards,

The Admins 12:14, 6 September 2006 (UTC)

Ed's note: Admins, You are fired. Ed. 12:19, 6 September 2006

[edit] Re: Response

Dear Aaadddaaammm,

Further to our previous correspondence, a new member wishes to bring forth to your notice that a non-trivial amount of consideration usually goes into deciding whether or not to , and if affirmative, the tone, tenor and the content and further, the promptitude with which to, and if otherwise, the right amount of impertinence that is to be displayed by our gesture of refraining from or proceeding with a frame of mind of not having noticed your query and to respond in a manner as to make you feel it has been neglected, of our response, in clarifying which misunderstanding, our sole purpose has been to indicate that there was a response even in the lack of one and thereby, smoothen our little gap of communication. In this light, it might be noted that this a non-obligatory suggestion from the company wishing indicate that it is expected of you to retire to a self-imposed solitary confinement and screw yourself therein.

In earnest anticipation of further interaction in business capacity, I take the honour of remaining sincerely,

Your Servant

Uncyclopedian

[edit] Further Response

Dear Mr. Abdul,

You Sir, having never raped a koala bear, cannot possibly know what that's like, can you? And so can we hardly imagine a scenario which, without leaving our culpability in this matter in doubt, would not also render you a veritable buffoon, incapable of reasoning beyond a most basic, simian level. This is not, at present, our intent.

While we appreciate your more than apt demonstration that you are at least capable of the fundamentals of human interaction, i.e. your letter, we would also beg to differ as to whether it also entitles you to basic Human Rights, i.e. a "prompt reply". If I may be frank, prompt for a man such as yourself, if it is indeed proven that you are, though we don't imply it, a simpering moron, is quite likely remarkably different than the definition that we here at WMC hold. As an alleged idiot, you might control merely a fraction of the brain power that a person such as myself wields.

This is not to say, Sir, that we do not consider ourselves somewhat responsible in the matter. You said, quote: "When confronted about my concerns, my compaints are dismissed off-handedly, without fail."

Rest assured, Aaadddaaammm, that Consistency is a Key Goal with [WMC]. The Administrators who replied to your first letter have been fired, precisely for trampling upon that Goal. Had they not been so rash as to assume, without any attempt at verification, that you were a sane, normal individual (and thus worthy of reply), and not merely a gibbering retard, I would never have been forced into the mindless tedium of responding to you a second time.

While we always encourage our subscribers to correspond with us in the event of problems, we would strongly discourage you from further communications while you are under Suspicion Of Utter Boobery.

Kahn

[edit] Furtherer Response

Dear Mr Kahn,

Having receieved your reply dated 6 September 2006, I have a number of issues which I would like to raise.

Firstly, thank you for firing the offending Admins. I always enjoy people being fired on my behalf.

Secondly, much of the content of your letter I found deeply offensive. Raping koalas is a very sensitive subject in my family as my mother was a koala. She was raped and murdered when I was a young child. The case was never solved, but rest assured I have passed your details onto to the investigating police. Your multitude of insults relating to my intelligence have no place in this correspondance. Sure, my IQ is below average, but that does not give you the right to label me a buffoon. Nobody has that right. I am a person first and foremost.

Lastly, I am still to receive an adequate response to my initial concerns. If I do not receive a reply within a reasonable time frame, I will not hesitate in taking this matter to your superiors.

Thank you for your time,

Aaadddaaammm

[edit] More Furtherer (Ir)response(able)

Dear Sirs,

Kindly, accept my apologies. I have been vacationing in the Bahamas, while your pathetic issues have grown into one giant insurmountable problem. That’s correct, I was living it up sipping marguerites and flirting with the bikini-clad tourists.

Furthermore, I find it difficult to comprehend anything is more important than contemplating the comparison of Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One. If you truly have a problem, please take the time to rethink your position and possibly reword your complaint so that it is more understandable.

It really helps if you can specify exactly what your problem is, rather than yelling at the top of your voice at our part-time elderly phone operators. But please don't tell us who you think is at fault, as we already know.

Feel free to contact us anytime,

Jesus H. Christ

[edit] Remedial Response

Dear Adam,

We are sorry to hear about your mother being a koala. that must have been tough at school, but we ask that you do not project your mental anguish carried through all these long years onto us. We understand that you might be a sensitive twat, but we do not entirely care.

Concerning your initial concerns however, to commit myself to any remedial actions ("remedial" to your view of what might be incorrect) would be a direct attack on the verification module of the established administrative system that is firmly in place. Now, you do not want to upset that little deck of cards and find yourself buried, do you Adam?

Let it be said that anyone who has ever disturbed this deck of cards before has found themselves severely lacking in bamboo. Let it be reminded that a koala has an inate fondness for bamboo, (adapted with cross-breeding from the panda) and though you might not be all kaola, you are a sensitive twat. (Sensitive twats find any lack to be disadvantageous.) Twat.

Feel free to ask any rhetorical questions,

Yorric "I knew him" Stevenson 21:49, 17 October 2006 (UTC)

[edit] Olive Branch Response

Dear Koalaman,

We apologize for the inconvenience of inconveniencing you at an inconvenient time in your pupal stage. Please, rest assured that, while we are busy engaging each other on several entertaining levels and do not have the time to adequately dissect your gripes at this time, we have forwarded your complaints (spelling errors and all) to the administrators of a more prestigious and litigious site--Wikipedia.org. Be confident that, in the interests of justice, bureaucracy shall prevail. Please allow 2-4 weeks for the delivery of your arbitration, as it is hand-crafted by nobles and inspected by supple geishas.

In the meantime, please accept this offer of peace. Enclosed is a picture of something my daughter drew during our car trip to Minnesota last weekend. It isn't much, but it has inspired me to write an avante-garde play called "Pearl: I, They, Contributory." I would formally like to invite you to a family barbeque next month, so that we may discuss the possibility of you auditioning for a conditional supplementary walk-on role as a stagehand during its third night production. I will interpret your reading this in disbelief as an official decision to attend the screening of my outdoor play to be shown this August in Lubbock, Texas. Dress appropriately--it should be hot as hell, just like my play.

It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue,

David Hasselhoff

[edit] A response, no more, no less.

Your attempts at peace go unnoticed and I have ordered my friends down at the institute to 'set you up the bomb', or at least that was my understanding. You see I have developed bad hearing from having to burn your letters so they don't occupy my entire house.

I'm aware you've only sent me four/five? Eh. I photocopy them so I have spares in case I lose the original. I'm not crazy, really, AAAAAAAA!!!! Get out of my head!

Sorry you had to read that, I cannot work the backspace and I lost my ritalin. Now, Wikipedia is hardly an appropriate method of handling my complaint. It leaves me to wonder if you are taking my letter with the utmost level of seriousnesses, or just fornicating with the coffee machine. I demand the administrators of Uncyclopedia deal with this issue immediately or I will have to inform the appropriate people with the right fingers in the correct Pies. I am not a fan of chatting with people face to face, but I will over come this barrier if the situation is not resolved in a resolving, disabsolved, dissolving, disputed durkunundrum of a flourish. I am aware this made as much sense as trading a wife for 2 goats and bushel of wheat. This is irrelevant. For this I blame you for making me need to reply, that and your dumbness.

This situation could be easily resolved if only for want of right actions. I really hope you take them, or else.

The irritable guy.

[edit] The response which relates directly (please note, not indirectly) to the question (inquiry) which is related herein (above) and is not the direct benificiary (to any extent) of any other relevant response (see above)

We, the undersigned (referred to henceforth as 'we' or 'We'), wish to make it clear to the above gentleman (this is not to be discriminatory ((differentiatintive)) against non-gentlemen, simply to reply to the question (((inquiry))) which has herein been visited upon), that insofar as he has questioned the abilities (or otherwise) of our unpaid (non-rewarded) workforce, that as far as the law (rules which govern those that dwell or exist within or within the extraditial rights of) of this country (whichever country this does indeed become apparent to be) we shall (or, indeed, Will) (please note the capital 'W' for additional emphasis) prosecute to the full extent (to the maxima of our shared ability, and, Indeed, responsibility) made available to us (the undersigned) under the powers vested in us by Uncyclopedia (the rich men's ((us)) wikipedia).

Thank you (with respect, yet a little intolerance)

The VEG. (Volunteer Employment Group)

[edit] Burnout Response

As is our over-friendly nature, we wish to apologize for not being more prompt to the answering of your letter, kind sir. Though it is hardly an excuse, it seems that the people (or person with dibilitating malignant tumor who coincidentally caught polio when trying to replace his, or her, leg bones with those of a mentally retarded puma) who were supposed to take care of all the requests from lonely, middle-age transvestites shirked their duties and went on a drinking binge. I (as in just me, not the gestapo-like asses for whom I am writing) just happened to be on meth at the time and decided it was a good idea to join them, or him, or her. It really doesn't matter who was there, I just hope that you take solace in knowing that I had a very pleasant time. Then again, I was on a drug trip, and I did have a good amount of tequila that morning, so I'm not really sure whether I enjoyed myself. But the point is that I'm sober now and that I'm going to do everything in my power to make you feel wanted. I can do any of the following things, or any combination of the things, to put your worry-worry mind at ease:

1) I can make up for the time lost in correspondance and the time lost reading this response by selling you more time at 15% off the usual price of $3.99 a bag.

2) I can do the above, but sell you the last of Unidentified Gender Polio and Tumor Person's stash of Canada's finest mariguana for the amazing price of -$200.99. That's right, I'm going to pay you to take this foul smelling Canadian green feces off my hands. It's a fire hazard anyway, that stuff just burns up the minute you light it.

3) I can send an eleven year old Chinese prostitute to your doorstep. She's good for any number of things from personal pleasure to slave labor.

4) We can hang out and be best buds until the cops come calling at your doorstep, only so you can find out that somebody burned down the Colonel's house and all fingers, vis-a-vis mine, pointed at you.

5) I hire you as one of my drug mules for less than minimum wage.

As you see, I care dearly for the plights of the people and that means you. I am willing to take a chunk out of my life and devote it to making you happy with much laughter and drink. Before I close up, I'd like to point out that I lied earlier and am very very drunk. I also suspect that some of my work buddies slipped me something a few minutes ago and that I'm on the verge of falling into cardiac arrest.

Sincerely,

The Uncyclopedia Staff

[edit] Another Response

To Whom it May Concern''

I believe you're implying that My mother is a ****ing whore...what's wrong with being a ****ing whore!?

On the 6th September 2006, I wrote this article, and I am yet to receive any feedback. I believe I expressed a number of real concerns which you have not yet addressed. In case my previous article was lost in the post, I will repeat my concerns here, and I trust that this article will reach you in good time.

real concerns?

1. LOLOLOOLOLOLOLOOL YU R 73|-| SuX

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

2.I R t3|-| \/\/||\||\|ER ROFLCAUST!!!1111!!

More gibberish

3. I am Jimbo Wales

And here is the source of this childishness, Jimbo, this is yet another kitten huffing inspired to huff uncyclopedia. Grow Up, Mr. Wales.

On a number of occasions I have been treated to severely substandard treatment by your so-called 'volunteers'. Rudeness, inflexibility, laziness and low intelligence are words which come to mind. When confronted about my concerns, my compaints are dismissed off-handedly, without fail. I emplore you to reassess your hiring and training schemes.''

Upon consoltation with my staff, I have discovered the only complaint oyu made was that, "No-Body understands me!!!!1111!!!" at with point you tried to cut your wrists, our company policy is

WE DO NOT TREAT EMOS

Yours Hatefully,

A. Lier

[edit] Who Are You Calling a Response?

Dear Abdul,

I cannot bring myself to stop urinating on your letter every chance I get. To imply that we have some kind of scheme for hiring is insulting. We strive to enslave the most drug-addled, retarded primates we can steal from crooked labs in the hope that we can bring you the greatest joy you have ever experienced. That is why we also stitch the word "volunteer" onto every one of our primate's eyelids.

Have you ever tried to train a crack smoking chimpanzee? When they're not drooling on themselves, they're trying to rip their own faces off. Next to the junkie-monkies, your problems seem to be rather miniscule.

Now, having answered your questions I hope you will have the decency to eat some earwax and accept the fact that our schemes are foolproof.

Urinating gleefully on your letter,

I.P. Freely

[edit] Short and Simple

Dear Sir:

Re: Bell's Charm School, Refund Request

We are in possession of your original letter, dated 6 September 2006. After careful consideration feel that it would be in the best of all parties if you would just bugger off.

Very truly yours,

Bascom Whiltly Marshbanks III, Esq.

Basomb, Whiltly, Marshbanks, Unverferth and Tillings Ltd.

Cottonseed on Oil, Cornwall

[edit] Further Response than any other response given before 7:36 PM on January 25, 2007 to "Strongly Worded Letter"

I am sorry to respond to this letter with the following words. The following words I am very sorry to respond to and apologize for doing so. This letter is about to be responded to with words that I am sorry to respond with. The further apologies are implied to the words that are about to be said, which I am sorry to say:

"I apologize deeply for not responding as quickly as I could, but I am afraid you will have to wait more."

Now, to the point. I am extremely sorry to respond to this very strongly worded letter with the following words and phrases, which are all paired together. And this sentence, I am very apologetic for saying:

"Just a little bit more, our apologies."

Finally, after your long wait, we apologize for responding to you like this:

"We are sorry to inform you, that we can not work with homosexuals."

From,

Jennifer Anniston of Frito Lay™

[edit] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, A AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAA, AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[edit] I Have A Response!

Dear sirs,

Enclosed is my resonse.

Signed,

No Longer An Uncyclopedia Member

[edit] Another response

To those who read,

I must apologize on my self. I was to concerned on thinking how to kill zombies and new ways of kitten huffing that I couldn`t help. Anyway I firmly believe that it doesn`t matter how much you do believe you have suffered, all kittens that are huffed suffer thrice what anyone have ever suffered in his life.

Don't feel special.

By,

Cab 03:47, 13 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] This isn't a good time to...

talk, honey, I'm trying to get some work done. Some idiot sent is a complaint, I'm just about to blow him off with some officious nonsense. No, I'm trying that new fangled speech recognition software you got me for christmas. Speaking of christmas, when are you going to wear that outfit I got for you? It's under your dress? So it is! why don't you come over here and sit on my lap? Oh, the kids won't be home from the movie for another hour or so. Uhh huh, I think you look terrific. Fishnet suits you, with that fine ba donk akonk. That's right, you know I like it when you oh, crap! Is the laptop still on? Hold on honey, I just need to.........................................

[edit] Your Mother Responds

Dear Aaadddaaammm,

Thank you for your recent email! You know we always like hearing about how you're doing. It's easy to email us! You just click, if we're not mistaken. Of course, there's never any obligation, but an email would be the thoughtful thing to do. In addition, if you are interested in writing a follow-up thank-you note, we have the envelopes already typed up and the extra 2-cent stamps. We know you always forget when the rate goes up.

Love,

Uncyclopedia

P.S. Was this message helpful? As part of our ongoing mission to provide you with top-notch customer service, we'd like your feedback. Please respond by telling us "Yes, I found this message very helpful and considerate in many ways" or "No, I don't tend to recognize when others are reaching out to me."

[edit] Respond

Dear Aaadddaaammm,

We have received your letter, but when we were about to respond, your koala came to my house and threatened to eat my brains through my eyes if I responded to you. Then he knocked me out and left me in the middle of the Sahara in monsoon season. I am really upset about this because my clothes are wet and I have sand in my underwear.

Hope this helped clear things up.

Un-yours faithfully,

Uncyclopedia

[edit] Return to Sender, Not at This Address

Dear, Jesus

On March 28th 2007, you killed my puppy. You kicked him in the shins and he fell down a flight of stairs. Did I mention the stairs were covered in razor blades? 'Cause that's kind of important. After he fell you came down laughed at him, turned his blood into wine and drank it.

Because of you I'm now converting to Creationism unless you supply me with 500 000 goldfish by Saturday. I'm planing an awesome prank!

Thanks,

Billy

[edit] Reply to Sender -- Billy

Dear, Billy

As it is currently Easter, Jesus will be unavailable for a period of time since he is currently away on business, therefore, I have been commissioned to respond to your request.

Firstly, we would like to respond to your claim that Jesus kicked your puppy down the stairs as this claim, while well-intentioned is comepletely miguided; it was in fact your loutish, bearded father who, in a drunken stupor kicked the dog down the stairs, and we are also well aware it as yourself whom coated the stairs in razor blades in an attempted April Fools prank.

We regret to hear that you are converting to Creationism and must warn you that in doing so, you will exempt yourself from the lifetime salvation warranty which you currently hold with us.

Unfortunately, we have no Goldfish, but for a nominal fee of $2.20 per fish, we can provide you with any quantity of Dead flounder you require, with complimentary blessings.

Finally, we would like to inform you that we know how often you masturbate, and if you continue to do so while writing these letters, we will be forced to dispose of any further correspondence delivered from your address.

Kind regards,

St. Peter

[edit] In 2101AD, Letter was Beginning

CATS,

All our base are belong to you.

We have no chance to survive make our time.

Also, somebody set up us the bomb.

We have no more 'zig'.

Can be become friendship?

- Captain.

[edit] Response to Aaadddaaammm

The glue on the orange envelopes fucks you up REAL good.

Mr K. Huffer, 4 Huff Mansions, Kittown

[edit] In Soviet Russia, the Response Responds to YOU!!

Dear Comrade,

In Soviet Russia, letters strongly word YOU!!

Lenin

[edit] Yet another response

go eat shit fuckers

[edit] Response to yet another response

No. You go eat shit.

[edit] Response to response to yet another response

No...... You go eat shit.

[edit] Response to to response to yet another response

Mein brethren. Ve must find a vay to deal vith this problem in honorable manner. On ze count of three, I will tell you to turn around. And zen you may rip each ozer to shreds. Ze last man standing, is ze veiner! Von, Du, Zreee!

King Frederick II

[edit] Response to my Distant Lover

O my Love, how I pray that it may not be long before we meet! My heart has grown cold in your absence and I fear there is nothing but your gentle eyes that can stop it! O my dear, I visited with bright Alphonse today whom I looked so forward to seeing. But all in vain! For as he spoke I could not contain my sadness for looking upon his lovely dark hair which is so painfully yours. I can only imagine his bewilderment as I fled the room, burying my face in a handkerchief. O! I remember now it was you who gave me it, the pretty thing you embroidered all on your own. What a gaily given gift that I can only notice in sadness! O lover! My eyes fill with tears and I can write no more!

[edit] Response to the Previous Letter

I have received your letter and I shall like you to know that I do not appreciate it at all. I've told you a thousand times (one thousand being a figure of speech, of course, and not meant to be taken literally) that I do not have any interest in you or your so-called "romantic" manner of writing, which seems to have been taken from the ever-awful novel "Wuthering Heights". And who on Earth is Alphonse? You haven't stolen my semen and impregnated yourself with a turkey baster again, have you? Do you have any idea how incredibly creepy that is? And since when have I had dark hair? And that was you who stole my hankerchief? Seriously, woman, you need to see a psychologist or something because I swear you are absolutely, certifiably bat fuck insane.

Regardless, now that you have contacted me after I told you not to, I shall be taking out a restraining order on you. Also, the police have been notified and should be on their way right now. Have a nice day.

Not-Yours-Truly-in-Any-Sort-of-Way-Because-You-Scare-the-Crap-Out-of-Me,

Fatgoat H. Llama

[edit] Response to the One Who Forsook My Love

I am writing to you from my flat, now lonely and decrepit in the absence of loving memories of you. Though you live not three blocks from me and I feel you are so close, still I must write, not able to talk with you in your presence as we honourable gentlemen should. That awfully rude policeman has beaten me twice for trying to leave this harmless letter under you door, such is this horrible state of affairs. O what you have cast upon me! O shame! I have thrown unjustified shame upon myself for this shame is your own. You have forgotten me, speaking in hardened manner I never knew. You call me such libelous names and expect me accept it like an uneducated vagrant, I cannot! You pretend to forget Alphonse, my lifelong friend and confidant whose constant letters of reassurance have been my only salvation in this dark time. How I wish now that I had stayed with him, never to receive your poisonous letter. Perhaps worst of all, you have slandered the good name of Emily Brontë. How sad this makes me. O how I wish you could see just how painfully you have forsaken me.

O, I feel a dark shadow passing o'er my eyes! In the dismal light that has left me I can see the utter failure of my existence, so irrevocable. Soon I will rise, hand on knife, and await the unavoidable sentence. All is gone lover, all is gone.

[edit] Another Response

Honorable gentlemen?... Does this mean you are a man?

Fatgoat H. Llama

[edit] An Answer

.....Perhaps.

[edit] Reply

Well that changes everything! And to think I spent this whole time believing you were some woman. Now upon hearing that you are a man, the idea of being lovers isn't half as bad. Yeah. Do you want to come back to my place?

Fatgoat H. Llama

[edit] A Reply with a Suggestive Wink

Sure would.

Vyvyan Wilde

[edit] Complaint About the Previous Exchange

Dear Uncyclopedia,

As a long-standing member of the Westboro Baptist Church, I object in the strongest possible terms to this display of homosexuality and even more to the implication of anal sex. As it is a demonic ritual practiced by Satanists, cannibals and other such brutes from Persian, I think it is only fair that Uncyclopedia publicly execute the two, sever their heads to prevent zombification, drive a stake through their hearts, and burn the result at the stake. In addition, it shall also be made policy that all homosexuals, metrosexuals, and just about everyone man who has a fashion sense are to be dealt with similarly. I am willing to compromise, however, that less evil homosexuals be merely buried alive.

If Uncyclopedia does not comply, they shall expect for God to unleash his wrath upon this wretched website of evils unparalleled by even the heretic Gandhi. And then Uncyclopedia will have but itself to blame because its administrators and moderators promote crimes against nature and crimes against God by allowing such evil homosexuals on its servers. However, I hope that you heed my warning and put your homosexual population to death for their evil crimes and relentless attempts to make our children pansies and fairies like themselves.

Sincerely,

Jesus H. Christ

[edit] Reply Again

Dear Aaadddaaammm,

I'm sorry, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Yours Sincerly, W. Concern

[edit] Mr. Mandela

Dear Mr. Mandela, I was shocked and excited to hear that your drug trade profits are going through the literal roof! But I again must stress I do not want to buy any more thanks.

yours sincerly if not slightly miffed. I.P. Freily

[edit] A Haiku Response

You say you are mad
But I do not understand
Explain why this is.

[edit] An honest,upright,truthful,fair,veritable,full and Zooplanktonic reply

Stop whinging, no-ones forcing you to go on this website

Template:FA/14 April 2007Template:FA/2007

[edit] The UFO

To whom hopefully read this shit-ass note

Recently, I have been in touch with a former colleague who developed and advertised a UFO video on Youtube. I have been warned that if I ever mention this to anyone, it would be regrettably. I have to say this, because I am forced to not co-operate with such evil-minded individuals, and I have rights to do so. It was not my intention to get involved with something as serious as the documented UFO video which is seen to be fraud, however I am well aware now that this is what I was born to do with my life. What I am about to say may scare all of you, scarring you for life. If you are absolutely sure you want to read perilous news, continue reading. If you do not, then please continue reading for the sake of reading it. This is all I can tell you.

THE UFO VIDIDEO IS NOT FAKE! IS NOT FAKE I WAS IN THAAT STARSHIP

Thank you for listening to me. Aaaaddddaaaammmm, I hope your problem resides, and I wish you the best in future conflicts. I hope I am not skewed by a gardening hose strapped to a man hole cover, but if this problem persists, then I will be. It is imminent someone contact me as soon as possible by calling this nu--

-connection terminated

with Ka'eo 5:24 PM, 4th September 2007 (NASCAR)

[edit] ((Insert Meme Based Title))

((Insert Name Of Addressee)),

((Insert Generic Apology For Late Response)). ((Insert Witty Comment Regarding Addressee's intelligence)). ((Insert Reference to celebrity with overestimated importance)). ((Insert LOL)).

((Insert Line Break))

((Insert Business Language)). ((Insert AAAAAAA!)), {{Insert Innuendo)), ((Insert Penis)).

((Insert Concluding Statement)), ((Insert Expletive Regarding Addressee)). ((Insert Comment Regarding Addressee Not Being Thinkerer)).

((Insert Signature)).

((Insert Date))

[edit] Reply to Insert...hmph

My freind,

U ued an overuse indjoke. You shal dye.

Sighed,

Baad-Gremmer Goy

Septremeb whetaver, 2oo7

[edit] Reply to all of the above

To whoever the fuck decides to reply next:

I think that all of you motherfuckers have better things to do than just sit at your computer and wank while editing Uncyclopedia all day with stale and unfunny jokes which have lost all meaning through overuse. Though this is my personal favorite pastime, I am a Republican, which means I can be hypocritical without legal penalty.

On the other hand, is this for the good of Uncyclopedia? Will Wikipedia, cursed be its name, ever catch up to us if we keep using the same flint axes while they make shiny copper arrowheads and keep evolving? I think we need some sort of device which can give us a chance to stay ahead without those fucking Wikipedians constantly sneaking up behind us and biting us in the asses. Apart from Michael Jackson, who among us really wants that to happen?

In conclusion, all in all, in summation.

Yours faithfully,

Sir George Walter Bush, O. B. E. (retired and retarded)

I edited these ones below !!! yaaaaay

[edit] Reply

Actually, I have nothing better to do.

Signed, Fatgoat H. Llama

I have something better to do for you !

Skinnygoat L. Llama

[edit] CC: FW: Etc.: Reply

Dear sir;

From a young age I was molested by a whale and his half gibbon-half cassette tape associate. Due to this unfortunate travesty salvation, I am now almost completely normal, except for the herpes which I soon hope to upgrade directly to Super AIDS.

An unfortunate side effect of this is that I now speak entirely in an American accent, other than certain vowel sounds such as A and E, as well as I, O, and U, but I seem to be outright fine with the 'Y's. Apart from this, I have no mainstream mental diseases. Who the fuck do you think I am, Ronald Reagan or something?

For the above reasons, I would ask that the Uncyclopedia Foundation pay me a full -$298.83 USD in damages due to reading every page in your wiki, which has incapacitated me into my current state. I hope to invest this capital in our constant struggle against Wikipedia, which I will assert that even a retard such as me can say is complete and utter bullshit. I would also like to ask that I also be compensated with a full-size Oscar Wilde doll, seventeen coupons for condoms, a lifetime supply of goats, and the 58th United States Congress of 1903-5, to be paid in full, in addition to the rights to the entire Wings catalogue, to be paid in microscopic increments over the very short remainder of my life.

P.S. To the founder of The Danish Lego Corporation Of Scandalnavia: Lick my fucking balls.

-Lance Cpl. John G. Tourettes XXXXXIX, Esq., Professional Frenchman Unprofessional Dungeon Cleanerer (kids, don't try this at home!)

[edit] Reply to Mr/Mrs Llama's Reply

F G Llama: I'll see you in the hall after class.

-Sir George Walter Bush, O. B. E. (funnier than Bob Saget)

NOT A WOLF TWICE AS NICE

[edit] Go to Wikipedia!

Dear Aaadddaaammm,

A word of advice: If you don't stop whining and complaining you might as well go to wikipedia. Actually you can even be a Wikipedia admin with THAT attitude.

(insert name here)

[edit] For the sake of our sanity

Meow. Woof. Mroowr. Mew. Mouw. Baa. Rawr.

Yours Faithfully, Sincerely, Annoyingly, Confusingly, Sir James IM Picky

---

25a The Happy Volts Assylum

PJN5AS

0800-ZAP-FOR-FUN

Disclaimer: Anything this man says is wrong. Despite the fact that this disclaimer was written by the very person who is wrong, therefore and thus; This is all wrong, and the fact that this is a double-negative is also wrong, because it isn't so just get out my face and die. There are copyright laws for anything this person says until he is killed horifically by means of Electrocution. Of course, this is the bit where I'm not sure whether I'm going to be in current present tense of future past tense. I DONT belong in an assylum because I am wrong and everything here is incorrect. Now, listen to me carefully. DO NOT LISTEN TO ME! I'm NOT going to bed, but I AM, however what I say is wrong, meaning it is right; but that means that this WHOLE thing is wrong, causing a big problem. I'm bored. I'm hungry. I don't know why this is all in a disclaimer. Bye.