Suicide
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery:
- Depression
- Pessimism
- Fear
- Pissed
- Suicide
- Apathy
- Give a shit
- Emo
- Hamlet
- Torture
- Death
- Hell
- Quitting
- Internal audit
- Calculus
Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard") is a hilarious comedy act often done by funny people in order to make other people laugh.
In reality, suicide is the last thing any human can do and strive for. So go jump in and CHOP-SUEY (go kill yourself now with a knife).
The moral quality of suicide is widely disputed, and usually people will accept the logical inconsistencies in their viewpoint with a shy giggle. For example, it is generally agreed upon, that the suicide of ugly, stupid and/or otherwise annoying fellow human beings makes more logical sense, while however the opposite is far more sexually arousing.
Suicide is also a virgin cocktail, made by pouring in a little bit of each available type of soft drink from a self-service dispenser: cola, root beer, orange, Hi-C,etc. The person making such a beverage is traditionally known as a soda jerk, despite the lack of any Jamaican spices or even semen (it being a virgin cocktail) in the traditional recipe.
According to recent studies, every teenager living in the United States has committed suicide once.
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[edit] Consequences of Suicide
Suicide is an act that affects the entire community. Gardeners downhill from the cemetery report bigger tomatoes - the Salvation Army gets nice new clothes out of your closet (unless you splattered them on your way out) - people in China and Ecuador have a chance to look at your Web site and laugh at your stupid moanings and groanings, and can feel reassured that they'd still be just as miserable as they are even if they made ten thousand dollars a year. Donut clerks take a breather when the cops who just cleaned up a ripe one are off their feed. The birds chirp cheerfully and perch happily on their branches waiting for the next maggot to surface. The world leans back and breathes a sigh of relief.
Contrary to public perceptions, suicide can kill, if done properly. There have been numerous reports about suicide attempts that have ended in fatality. However, there are other cases When Suicide Goes Wrong, with truly tragic consequences.
- A man jumps from the San Francisco Bay bridge, expecting to end his life peacefully in the cool blue waters. Instead, he lands in the cargo hold of an industrial fishing vessel just returned from the Arctic, and is processed by the automated machinery into cans of tuna fish. The workers look the other way because they think he's just another dolphin. Thousands of dieters who think they're eating a 200 calorie snack are dosing themselves with 800 calories of plump American with every tin, and can't figure out why the heck they aren't losing weight!
- A woman tries to kill herself by gobbling a whole bottle of the psychiatric medicine that was supposed to keep her from committing suicide. (She'd have to be crazy to think it would work for killing herself...) As a result she becomes perfectly, absolutely sane, a beatific vision of humanity at its finest. She gets into her car and spends all her available cash on medical marijuana to take to suffering patients in states that haven't legalized it yet, but she passes through a toll booth on the way. She gets out and starts reasoning with the toll employee about how silly it is to make everyone stop and idle their engines producing dangerous fumes just so they can collect money to hire toll booth collectors. She ends up spending the rest of her life locked on her back by leather straps on a table in the Suicide Watch area of a federal prison, giving rides to every guy who can afford ten bucks for the guards.
[edit] Epideemeeiemeology
In the United States, males are four times more likely to be successful at suicide than females. Male suicide rates are higher than females in all age groups (the ratio varies from 3:1 to 10:1) ...boring! One possible explanation of this statistical phenomenon, supported by a study by Rich, Ricketts, Fowler, and Young, is that men are just rubbish and agressive. Evel Kneival was born in Montana.
[edit] Modern Connotation
Suicide is now commonly known as a sub-culture, closely related to the music genre of Emo. Surveys indicate that most Mid-western yokels belong to this sub-culture.
[edit] Medical Treatment
Nowadays, Emo suicide is also an important medical treatment for depression. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus emo population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee and has led to numerous outbursts in the gay community as well.
[edit] Suicide Videos
Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted YouTube, but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The fuckers hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they suicide. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in Arabic that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Arabic, much less memorize stuff out of the Koran, just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the Oscars to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.
[edit] Suicide Videos, examples of
Warning: Rated A for Awsome.
A cool way to commit suicide [2]
Ghost Rider [3]
[edit] Legal Status
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People in Texas have recently been arguing for (in true Texan spirit) the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other jurisdictions, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, Colorado, North Virgina, and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and a fine of $4.50. It is a major industry in countries like Switzerland, Euthanasia and Lithuania. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: life imprisonment. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny, pieces while in a crowded area.
[edit] Memorable last words
“Oh Shit!”
“Got some smokes, bitches?”
~ Tupac
“It's little stuffy in here, I think I'll go outside for some fresh air.”
“Is that a gun you're holding, Courtney?”
“What do you mean there's nothing in this damn bunker left to eat? I'll eat my gun, that will sustain me! Yes of course the safety catch is...”
“Trust me, mate. Stingrays can't swim backwards.”
“Nobody wants to be Cary Grant anymore. Not even me.”
“I drank what?”
~ Craig Evans
"She did what?"
~ Romeo
“Where's the bathroom? I gotta drop a hunka-hunka-burnin' crap!”
“Please... Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.”
“Stay away, this thing will hurt someone.”
“This rope is of an inferior quality, this trap door has a squeaky hinge, the executioner's hood is the wrong shade of black, and the man with the camera that is filming this is a moron.”
“The odds of a man like George W. Bush getting elected to the office of President two times in a row is next to impossible. To prove it, I will play Russian Roulette with one bullet in the chamber and put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger and survive.”
“Nothing can stop our campaign now! I would like to see my opponents just try and stop me....”
~ Bobby Kennedy
“Any last words, Mr.Bond?”
~ A standard Bond villain
“Then Pay With your Blood!!!”
~ A Trusty Guard Of Cyrodil
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
~ G.I. Joe after a few beers
[edit] See also
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