Sun-Tzu
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Sun-Tzu (2/2/40 - 4/9/1041) is best known as the inventor of war. Born Sunshine Tzu, Sun-Tzu changed his name at the age of 14 when he realized that his parents were a bunch of dirty hippies and he'd never succeed in politics with a name like Sunshine. At the age of 15, Sun-Tzu began his illustrious career in Chinese politics.
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[edit] War
Prior to Sun-Tzu, most large conflicts were settled through a complex and arduous system of petitions, forms and appeals. After having spent a few years working for the Chinese government, Sun-Tzu realised that the system was flawed and developed the new system, which we have come to know as war. Although his approach to the problem was initially considered highly controversial, it soon met with widespread acceptance. Violently beating those who oppose you to death with your weapon of choice was almost universally considered more exciting than signing and initialing a stack of papers. Wars did not need to be organised in advance, which made them extremely popular with the Vikings, who later introduced the internationally acclaimed raping and pillaging.
Having invented war, Sun-Tzu decided to write a number of how to books on the subject. His first few books were primarily angry rants about how much bureaucratic paper work sucked and what should be done about it, but as people started to see the value of his system, he started to write more informative books. As his books gained recognition, Sun-Tzu's popularity grew. His breakthrough came, when he was asked to appear on Oprah, which would begin his time on the talk show circuits. After a number of years on the talk show circuit, Sun-Tzu decided it best to get back to his roots, and began a world tour. The opening performer for the tour was one Scotsman, William Wallace, who went on to pwn the English bastards.
[edit] Backwards Teachings
In order to throw off his enemies and confuse historians, Sun-Tzu wrote a number of false treatises, which have since come to be known as his backwards teachings. The most famous of his backwards teachings, The Fart of War, has come to be known as one of the worst strategic flatulation books ever written. The rest of his backwards teachings are equally amusing and can be found in the humor section of your local bookstore or library.
United States President George W. Bush has on many occasions claimed to be an avid follower of Sun-Tzu's teachings but there is a great deal of speculation that he may have only read Sun-Tzu's backwards teachings. The best evidence for this speculation is that Bush has, on a number of occasions quoted various backwards teachings, most famously, "If you are competent, act incompetent. If you are effective, pretend to be ineffective."
[edit] Chess
Although he is best known for inventing war, Sun-Tzu was also quite successful in the world of competitive chess, and he frequently travelled to Salzburg to take part in the world famous Salzburg Chess Tournament. His chess proficiency was the primary factor contributing to his extreme longevity; death maintains a policy of allowing individuals to play a game of chess for their souls, winners being allowed to remain alive after their time has come. So far, Sun-Tzu is the only person to have ever beaten death at his game, which initially caused some very hard feelings on the part of death. Eventually, Sun-Tzu and death reconcilled their differences and became good friends; death served as the best man at Sun-Tzu's wedding to Sue-Shee.
Sun-Tzu once beat Deep Blue using only a row of pawns and one bishop, inadvertently saving mandkind from Deep Blue. Having lost all self confidence, Deep Blue did not take over the world.
By beating death, Sun-Tzu qualified for the eternal championships in heaven, being the only mortal to have ever done so. Not only did Sun-Tzu qualify, but he thoroughly pwned the tournament. In a mostly unsurprising move, Sun-Tzu destroyed the over-ranked Archangel Gabriel in the quarter-finals and defeated Azathoth in the semi-finals. In the finals, Sun-Tzu was placed against the highly favored God. Because of prior results, God was given the first move. In spite of the situation, Sun-Tzu opened with the bold and risky Gröûp X Gambit. Despite a risky opening and being a bit of an upstart, Sun-Tzu defeated God, becoming the first, and last, mortal to ever do so.
[edit] The End
In 1041, Sun-Tzu lost his annual game of chess to death and lost his soul to the afterlife. It is unclear why Sun-Tzu lost the game; some think that he was finished with this world and threw the game, others expect that he must have been in poor form (stomach flu perhaps) and a small handful of people think that death may have finally figured out how to beat Sun-Tzu. Even more people believe death kicked Sun-Tzu in the nuts to distract him, but this is impossible because Sun-Tzu had balls of steel and wore a cup he received at the opening ceremony of the 1010 Shanghai Olympics, where Jackie Chan received 7 gold medals in Great Wall building. Regardless of how and why Sun-Tzu's end came his works and his invention have succeeded him and maintained his memory.
