Sunderland

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“Wheese keys? Wheese keys!? These keys are indeed mine you useless little cunt.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sunderland

Sunderland (or Sun'land) is a city in the North East of England, in the metropolitan district of Toon and Wear. In 1974 it was officially designated The refuge for people with an IQ less than three Mediocre Britain. The 2001 census claimed it had a population of 47 billion. This is known to be a lie (It has 48.555 billion).

[edit] Village of Sunderland

The village of Sunderland is located in the county of Sunderland. Since 1992, it has been full of charvas and council housing dewellers, it is also known for its pride in having the officailly ranked worst football team in the world, finally something to acknowledge it for. In recent years, Sunderland has been living in the shadow of a city called Newcastle. However, a complaint has been made over the obstuction of sunlight caused by this neighbouring city, and citizens of Newcastle may be forced to reduce the excessive size of the egos so that sunlight can once again reach Sunderland.

The natives of Sunderland are known as Mackems, from the old expression "mack 'em and tack' em", possibly referring to the sheep builders although new research suggests that the mackems derive their name from and aincient roman tramp 'Mackemus Twatticus'. Mackemus Twatticus was said to be beaten by Geordicus Supremus and his band of trusty followers (collectively known as 'Toonasisfaithfullus') for being so bad at the art of Footballus. Sunderland was more recently added to the Tyne And Wear Metro to help poor people escape for a better life. However, these people end up in Newcastle, where 47% of people commit suicide, while the remaining 53% of people die from the Black Plague which still exists there.Several of Sunderland's many districts include Seaburn, the separatist nation of Barnes which is populated mainly by dwarves who love Whispa and Hollycarrside. Note if you pronounce Hollycarrside incorrectly you very well might die.

MACKEMS ARE NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH;

• Tramps
• teen wolf
• A plague sufferer
• King Kong (Peter Ried once again)
• In fact anything that looks remotely like a gorilla or monkey
• Bigfoot
• a Downs syndrome sufferer
• a cabbage
• an ugly person
• a dog shagger (although there are rumors of a certain mackem of which partakes in such horrible, horrible acts).
• a fish monger - although the smell is similar
• a red raccoon (yes i know the both steal from your bin)

to confuse any of the above with a mackem would stir mass-debation between their representing countries and could potentially spark war or worse.... so take heed fool.

[edit] History

The area is part of the Jedi Diocese of Durham. It has attahced itself, remora-like, to the Roman Catholic diocese of Hexham and Newcastle since they realised this might result in better car insurance premiums. Lurking at the great end of the River Weird, the name "Sunderland" is reputed to come from Soender-land: Split apart land (Split-arsed, much like the residents of Sunderland.). In 674 BCE, King Eggfried of Northumbria palmed a large tract of swamp off on Dirk Benedict to set up a sewage plant. It flowed to the south, towards Newcastle. The south, under the authority of Satan was called the smelly Geordie bit. Benedict imported moochers from Foreign Parts, to establish a long-standing tradition of greatness . This event is commemorated by the National Best Humans in the World Centre which stands on a nearby site on the River Weird. Chemicals spilling into the sewage plant quickly mutated, and roy keane and the sunderland team appeared from the sewage, and vowed to beat Newcastle United in football in 1890, Sadly Sunderland never have Beat Newcastle.Sunderland in a poll was voted the ArseHole of the North beating Billingham and Middlesbrough to the top, making it the official shit-hole of the world.

After the Restoration a number of ladders extended Sunderland's growth as a gateway to Heaven. This history has contributed to a lasting civic enmity between Newcastle and Sunderland, most evident in the intense soccer rivalry between North-East Red Stripes and North-East Black Stripes - one of the longest lastingest rivalries in English soccer.

[edit] Industry

[edit] Sheep Building

Sheep were built on the River Weird from at least 1346 onwards, and by the mid-20th Century they had nearly got the hang of doing the tails. The port of Sunderland was expanded in 1850's, with the help of famous Mackem Niall Quinn, as by this time the numbers of people desperate to enter Sunderland had grown beyond the port's ability to cope. The ocean-going sheep "Flossie", was one of the most famous passenger sheeps to leave Sunderland, as Joseph Conrad was a passenger, and it was on board that he wrote his first novel "I've Been Thrown Out of Heaven". The end of sheep building on the Weird came in 1988.

[edit] Coal Mining

Sunderland was an almost renowned centre for coal mining, due in part to the tunnelling nature of Mackems. Since the Mackems actually did quite well, Margaret Thatcher, thank God, closed down all the coal mines. Fittingly the home of Sunderland AFC, the local football team, is built on an abandoned mine shaft.

[edit] Brewing

Sunderland used to produce a beer, called Faux (false in french) in 1207 after a french brewer named Moiseur Toad, when he discovered that by serving urine in a pint glass could get people to buy it as beer. However in the late 1900 the brewery was taken over by a prison consortium an the name was changed toVaux. . The brewery closed down in 1996 due to a bladder disorder.

[edit] Religion

Religion is not big in Sunderland. Except for football. But then again Atheism is around the general area...

[edit] Current Social and Economic Development

The economic situation in Sunderland has enjoyed a considerable upturn in recent years after local folk-hero Niall Quinn and his band of merry tinkers returned to the city after years of exile in Ireland to challenge 'King of the Mackems' Bob Murray's sovereignty and seize his throne inside the hallowed Stadium of Shite.

Murray fled the city in a second-hand Nissan Micra, along with chief transport officer Reg Vardy, and is now believed to be hiding atop Penshaw Monument protected by his last remaining ally; Secretary of State for Defence - The Lambton Worm.But.with come back of Sunderland A.F.C football team into Divison 3,Murray can expect support of Roy Keane and his team of supermen bought from Poundland including the talents of a Player called Legbitter and another called Arsesucker.

Stalkers find it very hard to find celebrities in Sunderland (Note this rare photo of The Muppets in Mowbray Park).

[edit] Nightlife

Sunderland Nitelife has taken a dramatic change over the recent years - numerous bars and clubs have been opened and improved the look of many of the old bars. This has had a few fatal flaws. One being that the population of Sunderland is so ugly that the big nightclubs in newcastle have simply refused to extend there business further towards that rubbish tip as the loss of earning would be massive. The more adventures nightclubs that have extend that way are busy, have a number of punters who are, shall we say, frankly fucking delusional. They believe that because they are paying more for their drinks, that this therefore makes them better than they were. To counter this, you may find it convinient to 'offer out' the 'cunt' who gives you the mucky look, and follow through by 'shoeing' the culprit outside. He and his effiminate friends will get the message and will realise that no matter how much they spend on cardigans and skinny ties, they are still the same poncy mammy's boys that lived with their parents five years ago, and will continue to for the next five years. Aged 40.

For further information on these types - see Spice Boy

[edit] Media and Fame in Sunderland

Sunderland is rarely mentioned in nationwide newspapers except in the crime and sport section. The city has only appeared in one film - one by the same person who did Billy Elliot. In books, Sunderland is the victim of the Alice in Wonderland "spin-off" Alice in Sunderland which revolves around the myocardial infarction of Carry On actor Sid James.

[edit] Places to Visit

• N*******e
• Stadium of Light
• Sunderlands Wearmouth Bridge
• The toilets (Best in England)
• Sunderland Cathedral
• Sunderland's World Famous Airport
• Sunderland's world renowned beach resort of Seaburn.
• The Tyne And Wear Metro, the third best thing to come out of Sunderland.
• The Sunderland Royal Hospital - The proud home of MRSA.
• The New Olympic Swimming Pool (not in 2012 though =( )
• The M1 bus(formerly the 194). The magical portal between Easington Lane and Heworth.
• Northern Rail train station en route to Varrock in the county Misthalin, Runescape.
• The Vaux Shopping Centre (Expected to be completed in 2030)
• Grindon Hall, Sunderland's Primary Institute of Christianity

[edit] Famous People

• Richy The Mackem (Richy Middleton) - Famous For His Gay Relationship With Dirk

[edit] See Also

Geordie McGargle sheep

Secret Diary of a Call Girl Sunderland supports this show!

Parts of this article were originally sporked from Wikipdia's Sunderland article.