Super Smash Bros. Brawl
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Super Smash Bros. Brawl (大乱闘スマッシュブラザーズX, Dairantō Sumasshu Burazāzu Ekkusu, Great Melee Smash Brothers X"), often abbreviated SSBB or Brawl, is the third installment in the Super Smash Bros. series following its predecessors Super Smash Bros. and Super Smash Bros. Melee.
Brawl is a game exclusive only to the Wii(Insert bathroom joke here), and has gained much popularity over the course of 2008 primarily due to the increase in marijuana-usage amongst the youth of North America.
Brawl has undergone much critical evaluation since the first trailer of it was released on May 9, 2008. Several reviews written by Obi-Wan Kenobi, Antonio Banderas, and Chuck Norris, concluded that the public was dissatisfied with the dropping of several Melee characters in Brawl. Upon hearing of this, well-known G, Carl "CJ" Johnson was arrested for beating a police officer to death with a pool cue.
Although the public was disappointed in Brawl's exclusion of Dr. Mario, Mewtwo, Pichu, Roy, and Young Link, Nintendo God, Shigeru Miyamoto proceeded with his plans to exclude them. Several statements were released by Miyamoto detailing the reasons these characters did not make an appearance in Brawl, however everybody was too high to pay attention. Miyamoto then spontaneously drove around with several Nintendo employees celebrating for apparently no reason.
[edit] Gameplay
The gameplay in Brawl in quite versatile as far as methods of control go. Players will find it possible to plug in the Nintendo Gamecube Controller to play in the same fashion one would play Melee. Other devices are also known to work. Forks, screwdrivers, metal and glass pipes, thermostat switches, and the Wii Nunchuck are confirmed methods of playing Brawl.
As of May 12, 2008, scientists have begun to conduct experiments regarding methods of playing Brawl. Oh, those scientists. They're funny.
(Upon saying this, I've broken the Fourth Wall, in making a non-encyclopedic comment directed at the audience or in this case, the reader).
The gameplay in Brawl has changed slightly from Melee to gameplay that is more suitable to accomodate players that insist on neatly placing the blame of their seemingly endless tide of losses upon their chosen character's inadequacy. Losing a match to a more skilled player, often places the elephant that is known a self-esteem problem onto the losing player. This is more frequent in cases where the losing player dedicates a large portion of their life to the game. The realisation that somebody could "pwn" them so often and with such ease, often shocks their entire self-outlook thus causing them to mentally reflect on their inadequacy as a player. In most cases the player cannot handle this and is driven to choose from three courses of action to combat this issue:
Option 1: One can continue to bitch about one's character's unfair inefficiency.
Option 2: One can spend several nights in succession, writting letters of dissatisfation to Nintendo, complaining about how one's losses are so numerous that it is unfair and that it should be changed in the sequel to Brawl.
Option 3 (Most Frequent): One can resort to killing oneself to end the insanity-inducing possibility that they just suck plain donkey ass.
Option 3 was the most frequently chosen course of action, which resulted in a mass decline in the world population. Unfortunately. Nintendo had to prove to the public that it was hearing its consumers' pleas. Although Option 2 was the least frequent of the three, Nintendo chose to take action and address this issue by changing several characters' stats. This resulted in more "Nooblet-Friendly" gameplay in Brawl than in Melee. Several characters that were portrayed in Melee as strong-willed, combat-enduring adversaries, have since been reduced to snivelling, crack-addicted, homeless people singing for quarters in Los Angeles in Brawl.
[edit] Interview With Shigeru Miyamoto
On April 20, 2007, several months before the much anticipated release of Super Smash Bros. Brawl in Canada on March 9, 2008, the "Big Cheese" of Nintendo, Shigeru Miyamoto, was interviewed by Mike The TV from Reboot. This interview saw a different side of Miyamoto's personality. He seemed to be preoccupied by something else. Cameraman McNorton Avalon stated, "Mr. Miyamoto's eyes appeared to be quite bloodshot. He seemed content, yet agitated, as though he wished he were doing something more fun." This interview answered questions that many of the public saught answers to. The interview led to this statement being said by Mike The TV:
"A friend of mine told me that the trademark green tunic that Link is often seen wearing contains substantial amounts of THC within it's green fibers."
Miyamoto seemed dazzled by this apparent animated television set that posessed the ability to communicate with human beings. It was reported that he dodged questions directly asked of him by cleverly stating that he doesn't believe in speaking to beings that only reach his knees. Upon hearing of this, Jedi Grand Master Yoda, sitting on his chair in his hut, threw his Coffee Crisp Bar and his pipe in two separate directions.
[edit] FBI Investigations
Ten months after the interview, on February 20, 2008, the FBI concluded a series of investigations into the production of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, following an incident including an elephant and some strange green orbs. These investigations brought to light several important factors in the production of Super Smash Bros. Brawl:
- Leeroy Jenkins was to make an appearance from World of Warcraft as an assist trophy in Brawl. However, due to the vast oceans of homosexuality flowing abundantly from anything World of Warcraft-related, Nintendo had second thoughts.
- Princess Zelda was known to be able to cure cancer in Melee, but Nintendo took that ability out in Brawl, stating, "It was relatively expensive."
- By the time Brawl was released Marth had spent 90% of his profits from Melee on women, alcohol and drugs; the rest of the 10% he wasted.
- When asked if he was comfortable working with the Japanese Roy & Marth on Melee, Ganondorf was heard telling game executives, "I am free of all prejudices. I HATE EVERYBODY EQUALLY!!!"
- Ike was originally rejected in his role because he did not posess a head of hair and was very unadvanced in his sword techniques. It was speculated that he underwent intense hair implantment surgery and administered anabolic steroids in his arms. He then returned to the Super Smash Bros. Brawl casting crew and they accepted him under circumstances of hollow intimidation.
- Before production Captain Falcon was sent to rehab to kill his speed addiction, this explains his much more slow paced movement in Brawl.
- The bent spoon featured in the 1999 Film, The Matrix was originally intended to be used as an item in Brawl. However, producers were unaware that this spoon was not a stainless steel spoon and it succumbed to rust before production of the game began. Miyamoto proposed that they use the rusted spoon nonetheless and this idea was agreed upon by a majority of the Nintendo employees. However, the whereabouts of the rusted bent spoon became unclear following a series of disturbing visits by a strange green man with salad-like fingers to the Nintendo of America Headquarters.
- Roy was originally a character in Brawl, but was cut after he was allegedly found running a crystal meth lab and sexually harrasing both Zelda and Marth. On this, Roy has no comment, and Zelda and Marth both claimed it was all a huge mistake. Roy was fired and was last seen holding up a store in Detroit.
- Dr. Mario was recently foiled in an assasination attempt on Mario, which resulted in the death of three civilians. Dr. Mario remains in an undisclosed jail.
- Snake's original taunt involved smoking a cigarette, which was fine and all, until Nintendo discovered several stashes of marijuana and trace amounts of the same drug in his cigarettes' and his brownies. Snake was allowed to stay at Nintendo, but is in rehab and recovering.
- Investigations conducted by the FBI reveal that Super Smash Bros. 1999 Veteran, Link, has been administering a green, orb-like substance before every one of his battles since his first appearance in Melee in 2001. Studies have proven that these orbs contain mass amounts of condensed THC. Link's use of these orbs has continued well into the Brawl-era in 2008 as well. Spectators present at Link's battles have noticed that Link's eyes become a shade of anywhere between pink and red immediately after administering this green substance. It has, however, been proven that while under the influence of this substace, Link duels with much more speed and unpredictablility than he would had he not administered it. Marth is a known user of THC-Orbs as well.
