Superhero

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“I'm a super hero”

~ Captain Obvious

A superhero is a human being of incredible power, see "Iron Man" Bill Clinton who typically fights on the side of good, as opposed to not good. However, sometimes they fight on the side of money because time is money and money is power. Many superheroes prefer monetary compensation over moral satisfaction, though most report a combination of both when asked about job satisfaction. But does moral satisfaction earn a $300-an-hour by cleaning the recesses of the body of Tony Robin's body?? No, it does not, according to the IRS. Superheroes are born in Flanders.

Contents 1 Hero or Superhero? 2 You Know You're a Superhero When... 3 Well-known Superheroes You May Have Heard of Before if Not After Reading This List 4 Are There Deceased Superheroes? 5 Are There Superhero Teams? 6 See Also

[edit] Hero or Superhero?

Superheroes are a type of Hero. They are typically stronger, better-looking, less hairy, and possibly smell better than normal heroes. It is difficult, if not impossible, to arbitrarily designate someone as a superhero, though it is not impossible for fanboys to dress up like their favorite superhero and prance around shamelessly like a bunch phoneys.

For example, someone who saves a puppy or a huffable kitten from a fire may be dubbed a hero by the media. The hero-designee may say, "I'm no hero here, the real hero is my asbestos pants," or some such drivel. However, if someone uses mysterious innate powers to set a puppy on fire, they are automatically a superhero, and there can be no debate on the matter.

[edit] You Know You're a Superhero When...

Thankfully, superheroes are easily recognized by a laundry-list of defining traits:

• Wearing underpants on the outside - nuff said.
• Spandex - With cyclists as the notable exception (except for Schwinn Man, the bicycle-riding superhero, and the Michelin dude (Rosie O'Donnell), the guy who looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy), superheroes favor garish spandex and are underwear perverts. Anyone claiming to be a superhero without a tightly-fitting spandex costume is a) not a superhero and b) probably not a cyclist.
• Dicey relationship with gravity - Gravity affects non-superheroes evenly: everyone on Earth is drawn to Earth via gravity. Gravity affects superheroes unevenly, in some cases allowing flight, levitation, and the ability to hang off a ledge far longer than should be possible.
• Equality - Tomer Simovich comes up to you and says that you are nearly his equal. He then punches you and drops you in front of a train. This proves that super strength is easily the most accommodating power. And with his assistant captain Slash, they form the dynamic duo
• Dicey relationship with law enforcement - The coppers don't like it when superheroes stick a proverbial finger in their pie, and like it even less when the finger and pie are both literal. Coppers can sometimes be heard shouting "keep out of official police business, you pie-ruining vigilante!" out of precinct windows.
• Supervillains - No superhero is a superhero without a cast of colorful, scheming and ultimately harmless men and women trying to doom them ineffectually AND one major Arch-nemesis. Supervillains, who usually have a B.Sc. or (if they attended an older, more out of date university) a B.A. in crime, are accomplished criminists seeking to become criminologists, though few ever receive accredidation for their plans to blow up the moon, blow up the ocean, blow up the post office, blow up the local supermarket, or blow up the Blow-Up Balloon factory. Notable graduates of supervillain fieldwork include Dick Cheney, Doctor Doom and Doctor Evil.
• Secret identity - A superhero typically has a secret identity, to protect relatives and loved ones, and to prevent embarrassment. This may be accomplished by wearing a tiny mask that hides only the bridge of one's nose and the area immediately around the eyes. Sometimes, a pair of glasses will somehow fool everyone into thinking he's someone else.
• Causing significant collateral damage- A common practice among superheros, they typically show no remorse at the destruction they inevitably cause. In a recent survey of superheroes, 3 out of 10 superheroes admitted that throwing people through buildings and breaking glass windows gave them an odd sense of statisfaction, while the other 7 superheros claimed, "It was like that when I got here."

[edit] Well-known Superheroes You May Have Heard of Before if Not After Reading This List

Everyone loves lists: this proves it. Some Superheroes (and their secret identities)

• Iron Man (Bill Clinton)- Has the power to bed any woman that comes within 10 feet of him.
• Fatwoman (Your Mom)- is fat.
• Artie The Strongest Man in The World - Superhero who protects Wellsville and claims that everything is "pipe". He can be seen wearing a blue and red striped shirt, red long johns, and emo glasses before they were considered emo.
• Awesome Man (Mike Awesome)- Defender of Awesome City, with the power to be totally awesome, as well as turning the homeless into ninjas.
• Roast Toast(Kent Bookman) - Another example of superheroes made by accident.
• Galaxy Defenders- (unknown due to their inter galactic nomadic ways) with the power to speak really loud and defeat evil in any galaxy just by turning up. they have been known to be in alliance with iron shield and the multi racial beast.
• Batman - Commonly known for bashing people up with baseball bats, Batman is probably hundredaire socialite Bruce Wayne. His powers include the batarang, a boomerang shaped like a bat. But don't let that fool you - Batman is no drunken Australian hooligan (though he did found city of Melbourne), he's an upstanding citizen of the United States of America (not one of the fatties or idiots, but the good kind)! He also spends a lot of time with a teenager named Robin, who has really been one of five different boys and one girl throughout history. It must also be noted that 'Bat' was originally a corruption of 'fat', his real superhero name being Fatman, famous for the Subway television adverts.
• Captain Crundi(Dwayne Christensen) - is a superhuman that escaped from the secret organization called Majestic 12. He uses his superhuman strength and his Extend-O-Fork of pain to defeat his enemies.
• Iron Shield- a super crime fighting team that forms an inpenetrable fortress to help defend your mum from sexual assault. allianced with galaxy defenders and the multiracial beast.
• Blackman(Carl Johnson) - A hooded vigilante from the da hood who beats up no-good hoods, street gangs, drug dealers, flamboyant gimmick-based bank robbers that dress garishly and other evil-doers (haters) that infest the ghetto slums of the city. Known as the protector of the projects, Blackman fights a never-ending battle against the (white) man in his on-going effort to tap the da ass of truth, justice and the "Scarface bombin' shit" way of life. Y'all heard?
• The multiracial beast- half thai and half british this beast is adept at chasing scared softball players around the pitch. has the powers to summon all types of beasts in the world and use their abilities to fight crime. part of the alliance with iron shield and galaxy defenders.
• Captain America (Stephen Colbert)- He fought crime in his America Suit with a shield. Yes, a shield. You know, it blocked things. Like lasers. And rocks, and arrows. Quite useful for fighting crime, you know, a shield. Dashing, really.
• The shrubbery(Link) - Resembling a large Wookie with green fur, The Shrubbery has the ability to turn into any animal he fucks.
• Captain Planet (Al Gore and later his son Albert Gore III)- Fond of hot pants and saving the world from market capitalism. Often accused of being a Communist sympathizer, he was really just a man with severely misplaced priorities who enjoyed the company of significantly younger boys and girls.
• Captain Ultra (Richard Simmons)- One of the lone gay superheroes, captain ultra fights crime with a well-manicured fist.
• Dr. Whoopass ("Stone Cold" Steve Austin) - Son of a lumberjack and a rock.
• Earthworm Jim (Lars Ulrich)- Can beat the hell outta Sonic the Hedgehog and Mario
• Fantastic Four+1 (The cast of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy")- Team of of four people with different powers.
• Igloo (Marvel) (an actual igloo)- The nigh invincible Eskimo housing structure. Powers include not melting, and remaining frozen up to temperatures in the mid-40's Fahrenheit.
• Jesus (NOT Bono)- The first superhero ever. Lived millions of years ago. Unfortunately, there were no supervillains back then, so he had to use his powers to do crappy stuff like turn water into wine.
• The Pope(John Paul) - The mightiest of superheroes, the Pope possesses a wide variety of skills, such as Blessing, Reading from Scripture, anointing the Faithful, ordaining Bishops and Cardinals, and slicing through matter like a hot knife through a nun's habit with his destructive and far-reaching eye-beams. Commonly referred to as his Holy Fucking Christ! attack, the Pope usually only does this for the most odious ex-communications, or when he's drunk.
  

  

  The modern superhero
• Lance Falcon(Mathias Pottersmoke) - Rapid City's Finest Superhero. So they say. Fucking Rapid Citiers. More like Rabid city. Ha. Rabid City's Finest Superhero! HA!
• Pithy Saying Man - The son of Oscar Wilde, arriving just in time to deliver timely aphorisms.
• Pocket Protector (turned out to be a supervillain)
• Red Green (inactive) - Cut short in his prime by a horrible duct tape accident. Somehow.
• Seemingly-Innocuous Man - A superhero who no-one ever finds to be a threat. "Hey, if you don't mind I'm going to go strap this bomb to your secret death ray device." "Oh, not a problem, Seemingly Innocuous Man. But don't tell anyone else; some superheros have been trying to destroy it."
• Spider-Man(Peter Parker) - He takes pictures and fights crime. Also has serious, serious issues with women, brilliant but unbalanced scientists, and exposing his secret identity to people riding mass transit.
• Superfreak (Rick James, BITCH)- She's a superfreak, superfreak: she's superfreaking. She's a very sexy girl - the kind you don't take home to mother.
• Superman - There's something about leaping, or flying or something. And a train. Does he drive the train or just stoke it? I bet he drives it. So, he could be called Leaping Train Engineer Man, that's a more accurate name. For a leaping train engineer.

Kyle Barnet-Defeater of Hogan

Super Glue - It's just like Superman, but stickier.

• Hawkeye Pierceman - Doesn't actually fight crime, he just sits around swilling gin and makes crime feel guilty. Always ends up in a big mess because of his crazy antics, but manages to pull his butt out of the angry hands of The General due to his mad surgical skills.
• Kinnikuman - Invented the use of steel chairs and tables in today's wrestling, and wrestled supervillians into defeat. Has been known to howl at the moon at night using a kazoo and a potato.
• Kirby - Commonly know as the Pink Puff, Kirby spends his days smoking weed. Literally. He is one of the few Superheroes that doesn't wear any clothes at all. This means that he doesn't wear tights. Get it, Dubbuah?
• Jukebox Hero - Does very little in the way of crime fighting, but can ROCK on kareoke night. Just wait until you hear "I Will Survive".

' Baller Boy-known as THE BITCH in the hood gets raped in the ass most of the day but when night falls he pulls his pants back up puts on his black hoody and goes to rob banks all in the name of the hood his favorite catch phrases are `put the money in the bank fo i blow your shit all over your bitch and when he is about to get shot by the popos it's `maaan shoot me all ya want i'm so balla your bullets will turn around screaming get me the fuck outta here his superpowers are an abnormaly streched anus (from getting raped so much) abusive swearingandthe ability to put on a bullet proof vest.

[edit] Are There Deceased Superheroes?

These superheroes died in the line of duty, or battle, or just plain fucking died. Consult your local library for more information.

• Uncle Sam - Superpowers included appearing in political cartoons at will, saying pithy, politcal things, and being incredibly tall. Could also will young Americans to join the military by merely pointing at them. Died at the hands of irrelevance.
• Legendary Dude - He could fly, fire laser beams from his eyes, and had super strength.
• Captain Marvel - Had a bunch of awesome powers that the government won't allow us to reveal to you. One of them was not telemarketing, however.
• Captain America - He got shot.

[edit] Are There Superhero Teams?

Sometimes, superheroes hang out in search of crime or money. These are some of those groups, and aren't you sorry you asked?

• American Justice Coalition - Making history and crime-fighting FUN!
• Society of Underdeveloped Crime-fighters - Sadly underutilized, underdeveloped and underappreciated, the more under- words you can come up with to describe them, the better their chances will be as they undertake their mission against the underworld. Understand?
• Tomer Simovich - Crushing bad men! This team is made out of the Head of Christ, the Arm of God, Wirt's Third Leg, King Kong's Torso...Satan owns the rest.
• The Aquabats - By combining comedy, music, and being superheroes, the Aquabats prove that multitasking is possible. Also they prove the ability for superhero teams to completely suck when compared to supervillain teams. See GWAR.
• The Horrors - The British legion of goths.
• The X-athletes - This semi-super team of former athletes doesn't fight crime so much as they spread a message: don't be the goat. And that's a lesson we all can use, maybe.

[edit] See Also

• Batman
• Doctor Doom
• George W Bush
• Samuel Jackson