Superman Returns
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Superman Returns is a 2006 film which effectively ended the Superman franchise.
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[edit] The Story
Superman learns that Lois pregnant but suspects that the real father might be Bruce Wayne better known as Batman leading Superman to leave the earth to avoid a child custody battle.
In his haste to leave, Superman forgets to take any food with him and after a 5 year absence he comes back in a new rubber Superman suit with a 5 inch chest and obvious signs of malnutrition.
Superman returns only to find that Lois is inexpicably now 11 years younger than when he left Earth, still a lousy speller and drug addict, and still having an affair with Wonder Woman, Batman, Supergirl, Krypto the Super Dog, Aquaman, Spiderman, Wolverine, Catwoman, Flash, Thor, Captain Marvel, Under Dog, all of the Ninja Turtles, Dare Devil, Carmen Electra, Tom Cruise, She Hulk, Ms. Marvel, Batwoman, Robin, Batgirl, [[your mum], nokia phones and probably your neighbor or you.
Superman is also horrified to find that in his absence, his agent has sold the rights to his movies to Warner Brothers Studios who gave all the rights to make the movie to Superman’s long time male companion Bryan Singer, who has been sleeping with several members of the "X-Men" in his absence.
[edit] Lex Luthor
Although fans of Superman wanted to see a different villain in Superman Returns, Director Brian Singer found that because Superman had already killed all his enemies except Lex Luthor that Luthor would have to be in the movie again. Unfortunately, Gene Hackman could not be digitally imported into the film to reprise his character (as was done with Marlon Brando) because he was still alive, and as one Warner executive said, "...would probably sue the shit out of us."
After many conjugal visits, director Singer finally convinced nearly unknown actor Kevin Spacey to play the villain, because "he plays nuts well." When asked to explain that statement, Singer said "I meant MY nuts, of course."
[edit] Kryptonite Again
Since Superman cannot die EVER, then at least they have to shine that rock in front of him to get some reaction from the guy.
It was none other than Bruce Wayne also known as Batman who delivered the Kryptonite to Brian Singer for the movie in hopes that Superman would die or something so that he could continue to get it on with Lois.
Others speculate that it was Diana Prince also known as Wonder Woman who delivered the Kryptonite to Brian Singer in hopes that she could continue to get it on with Lois, as well as let Singer try on her costume.
[edit] The Voyage
Superman left the Earth to avoid an ugly custody battle between him and Lois Lane. Others say that he x-rayed the child before it was born and though it was so ugly that it could not be his.
For more information about the story please see General Hospital, All My Children, or some other cheesy soap.
[edit] A world without a Superman
Finally the other Justice League members had something to do. That is until he returned!
[edit] Director Bryan Singer
Director Bryan Singer decided to make a movie by sitting on his couch and taking notes while watching Richard Donners’ original Superman movies. "This should score me a free trip to Australia," he is rumored to have said. "If George Lucas can do it, I can too."
Singer also saw fit to turn the Superman franchise into a flat out soap opera with the introduction of Superman’s affair with a someone who is the step sister of an enemy who was married to the son of a well known friend of Lex Luthor who is the nephew of the brother in law of his best friend. All while Lois Lane and Wonder Woman get it on baby.
[edit] Visual Effects
Bryan Singer keeps patting himself on the back because he had one good scene in the movie. He impressed audiences by showing scenes like the visually spectacular moment when a two dogs had a fierce gun battle. Since this was filmed in Australia, as many animals as possible were harmed in the making of this film. After all, this is Oz for Gods Sake, weve got bloody wombats in the loo, and so many bloody field mice that even the cat can't get by without going arse over tit.
Another spectacular moment in the visual effects of the movie was a scene were a sniper kitten shot Superman in the eye, this scene was followed by the controversial moment in the movie were Superman beats the crap out of a cute little adorable kitten. Superman used his massive powers to waffle that poor little animal. This scene, which accounted for over US$130 Million worth of special effects in the budget only appears in the Australian version of the movie; some have speculated this was to avoid problems with cat lovers in North American and European markets
This lead to the discovery that Superman loves to abuse poor little animals, especially that son of his who is a dog, and Lois who is a bitch.
Anothe noted visual effect was having the new rubber Superman costume imprinted with a repeated pattern of tiny raised "S" symbols too small to be seen by viewers. When Asked shy he went to all that trouble for an effect that no one would see Singer responded " Because they can still sense it on some deep sub conscious level or something like that". It's been speculated that he actually did this so he could feel the pattern when he caressed Superman in between scenes.
[edit] The Airplane rescue
For the first time ever Superman saved a digital airplane. What innovative imagination from director Bryan Singer claim audiences. I never would have imagined that Superman would save a digital airplane said one movie patron after asking for a refund at the concession stand.
Fans everywhere remarked that this sequence was far more dramatic than the scene in the 1978 Superman film where the tiny puppet Superman saves the American President's miniature Boeing 707.
During the saving the plane sequence Superman shakes the plane so badly that everyone in the plane vomited. When they opened the plane's doors Superman was immediately covered in orange gooo!
It was suspected that Superman was trying to kill Lois to avoid paying her alimony.
[edit] Lois Lame
The movie was also controversial by showing Lois Lane as a teenage cocaine addict. She was seen snorting cocaine and smoking weed while pregnant during the movie. Many speculate that it was Lois’s constant smoking habit that caused her child to develop asthma (Wait that’s true!) .
[edit] Controversies
[edit] Child Custody Super Battle
This is still on going. More details will be added as they unfold. It has been rumored that Lois Lang has hired noted Super Hero defense attorney Mat Murdock as her attorney.
While Superman has hired well known defense attorney She Hulk to defend him.
[edit] Batman is the real father
It was reported that Bruce Wayne is the real father of the child claims the Flash. Well it might have been Green Arrow or maybe Aquaman, I mean that Lois is a real slut if you know what I mean... Heck I could be the father for all I know. Hey even Wonder Woman got into the action with Lois... Heck I’m trying to sell the video of those two.
The Flash later denied his comments but later admitted to saying them when he was confronted with the video taped evidence.
[edit] Cannibalism
The movie features a dog who eats another dog because it has been abandoned to starve to death (Wait that is also true) how disturbing. When asked why he would include this scene in a film intended to turn children on to an inspiring Superhero, Bryan Singer laughed menacingly and brandished a knife. AAAAAAAA!! LOOK OUT! Bryan Singer was then killed by the REAL Superman, who lacerated his face with a blast of heat vision and crushed him into a diamond. This was the inspiration for the 2006 film Blood Diamond, but enough about better films than Superman Returns, we've still got a lot to get through.
[edit] Superman not so much macho
During his trip Superman became gay for some reason. He even found Supergirl but he refused to share time with a girl on his ship thus fans were not treated to looking at that hottie!
It has also been reported that Superman has also been seen hanging around Santa Monica Boulevard getting a little too close to Batman. While ignoring Wonder Woman. That’s SO GAY!!!
[edit] Superman’s bulimia
It was Rodger Ebert who said it best “the scene were Superman super pukes is disturbingly entertaining.” Meanwhile, film critic Leonard Maltin said "parts of the vomiting scene I did not like; other parts were okay, and overall, since this is not a Paramount film, I'm not contractually obligated to love it, so there."
Many fans were horrified to see Superman looking like Kate Moss after he landed back on Earth however when he shoved a 12 foot steel pipe down his throat many thought he was just paying director Brian Singer an homage to his fetishes but people were horrified to find out that Superman was getting ready to barf it up!
The vomit flew so powerfully that it destroyed half of Metropolis, killing most of the people and whipping out a school of innocent kittens. It was that scene that later lead one of the kittens to become a sniper and try to kill Superman.
It was a powerful vomit claim witnesses.
[edit] The Man of Steel
The Superman Returns franchise will continue with a new movie called The Man of Steel which scheduled for arrival sometime in 20000000035. And movie goers are not at all excited about it. Actually they are all waiting for Wonder Woman.
"Man of Steel? Not so much." says Superman’s lead physician……ah, doctor. <"He needs Kryptonian Viagra! No really much metal in that dude! He is more like the man of twig." adds Doctor Magnus.
After sleeping with everyone at the studio and begging his uncle who owns WB movie studio, the studio agreed to have Brian Singer make another Superman movie.
Some speculate that Brian Singer must have found the genie of the lamp or sold his soul to the Devil but did not wish for his movie to be good, just that he could have a bunch of Australians that worked on the "Matrix" films and "Star Wars" prequels make one for him while he went off sightseeing on the Great Barrier Reef.
[edit] New Villains
In the up coming Man of Steel, Superman Sequel, Superman will be facing Braniac.
It will be a challenge to make audiences believe that Superman and Braniac could have a real love relationship said director Brian Singer. But Lois Lane will be sleeping with Jimmy Olson and Perry White in a manage a trios to appease Braniac.
Actually Lois will also be sleeping with Braniac himself and also with the surviving dog from the first movie. However there will be no sleeping with actor Brandon Routh who portrays superman because Bryan Singer wants him all for himself (how do you think he got the part!)</p>
