Surrey, British Columbia
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“Like a crackwhore who's regained consciousness naked in Dick Cheney's toilet.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Surrey.
Surrey, British Columbia, is the armpit of Canada (not to be confused with Surrey, England, the crotch of Great Britain). Its population consists mostly of prostitutes, high school students on meth and burnt out construction workers (sampling methods used to reach these statistics consisted of randomly groping 1 out of every 100 people who got on the 321 bus from Surrey Central Station to the Newton Exchange). Marijuana is not only legal to possess and grow, but has actually been used as legal tender since the decline in value of the Canadian five dollar coin (pentooney) to less than that of $0.01 USD. The primary diet of Surrealists (as they like to be called; see Trivia) consists of Dairy Queen double cheeseburgers, chicken strip baskets and sexually transmitted diseases. Those who don’t eat meat for religious reasons subsist completely on milk (and milk alone).
In late 2005, it was proposed by the Provincial Government that Surrey be re-zoned as "de-militarized." This plan was abandoned, however, since de-militarizing the area would result in bulldozing the entire northern half of the city, due to it being the suburban equivalent of a minefield. In the same vein, top Canadian military brass had oft argued against de-militarization on the grounds that the only thing keeping the United States from storming the border in its ongoing war on drugs (in order to demolish the world's largest grow-op: British Columbia) is Surrey.
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[edit] Grand Theft Auto: Surrey
- ed. note: No such video game exists for any commercially available console – the denizens of Surrey merely exist in a similar reality.
The density of Honda Civics to people in Surrey is currently higher than that of anywhere else on the planet. The rate at which Surrey accumulates Honda Civics is increasing exponentially as car theft rates continue to increase. Furthermore, the overabundance of stolen Honda Civics lying around in the streets further encourages the theft of more Honda Civics, as they are readily available. It is proposed that the projected 2010 rates of Honda Civic thefts will be several hundred times its current value and that anyone visiting Vancouver’s lower mainland for the 2010 Winter Olympics (known to the local population as “the shit hitting the fan”) will spontaneously grow several Honda Civics that will then be subsequently stolen in order to fill the massive stolen car vacuum. 70 % of the Surrey population has appeared on BaitCar.com. In fact, most new cars sold in Surrey are automatically programmed to lock their doors upon ignition and drive to the nearest police station for delivery.
In addition to cars, other vehicles that have been stolen in Surrey include, but are not limited to:
- Bikes
- Buses (I just stole the 321 to get to Dairy Queen!)
- The SkyTrain ("Boo, bee, bii. The next station is: My House!")
- Segways
- People
Theft is such a ubiquitous element of Surrey life that the very concept of possession has been all but forgotten. All resources are considered publicly accessible and anyone who refuses to share simply has their property stolen until they learn to casually steal and abandon stuff like everyone else. Communists have hailed Surrey as the world's first truly communal society.
[edit] Festivals
The only festival currently celebrated in Surrey is 420, observed on April 21 (due to reasons not fully understood, Surrey exists one day ahead of the world; this may explain the population's proficiency with theft). Until recent years, Canada Day was also celebrated, but considering the majority of Surrey's population either do not know the words to O Canada (due to the language barrier), or have been simply too intoxicated on previous statutory holidays to sing along, the holiday was abandoned.
[edit] Life expectancy
The Life Expectancy at Birth in Surrey is roughly 43.5 years old, according to the 2000 census. Causes of death included cirrhosis of the liver, drug overdose, drive-by shootings, suicide, and spontaneous human combustion.
[edit] Surrey Girls
All "blond jokes" are actually poor copies of Surrey Girl jokes. Web search "Surrey Girl joke" .... go ahead, we'll wait.
[edit] Succession
Surrey's reputation is so grand that it has actually become known even to Surrealists themselves. Because of this, several communities in Surrey have attempted to withdraw from the city and be recognized under separate names, including, but not limited to, Whalley (ironically, Whalley is the worst part of Surrey), Guildford (recognized for having a pretty okay shopping centre and library-recreation centre. Swimming at a library!), White Rock (where the old Surrealists go to die), South Surrey (Where the rich dealers and pimps live) North Delta (in union with its neighbour South Epsilon), among several other breakaway republics.
[edit] Trivia
- In 2002, Surrey was honoured with being named the car theft capital of North America.
- The city's current motto is "For the love of God, stay the fuck out!"
- Surrey is also the source of the word "surreal", seeing as how if you ever visited, you'd not know you'd actually left the civilized world until far, far too late. Elephants with stork legs, the city mascots, also seem to be a factor. It is rumoured, however, that these creatures do not actually exist, but are merely the manifestation of the collective drug addled imagination of the city's inhabitants.
- An age old Surrealist adage: "Q: Where do Surrey girls go in the morning? A: Home."
- Like a really terrible scratch and sniff book, Surrey smells different every time you visit it.
- Surrey is not the name of a song by Peter Gabriel
- Is known as the City of Parks even though, the "parks" are just parking lots for druggies and skateborders.
- Surrey is home to the "Balcony Rapist," a serial rapist from Ontariuh who served his time in prison and now resides in the affluent neighborhood of Fraser Heights. Seeing as that area is full rich snobby nutsuckers, the "Balcony Rapist" is in the process of legally changing his superhero name to the "Basement Suite Rapist" (patent pending). ... And yes, that's a heads up for you Korean students. (You're welcome.)
