Survivor

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US-made season in Afghanistan for her soldiers.

[edit] General Overview

Survivor is often labeled the beginning of the end of television as your grandfather knew it. Like Jeopardy and The Price Is Right, Survivor was a heavily scripted "game" controlled by the Illuminati, who carefully handpicked at least one person with glasses for each season. Their reason: To illuminate just how stupid, stupid-people are.

Contestants spend hours rubbing sticks together in the hot blazing Sun, burning raw bloody friction wounds into their hands, instead of borrowing the person's eye glasses to concentrate the Sun's rays into a small pinpoint to EASILY start a fire. HOWEVER, sometimes the castaway in the tribe with the glasses has a weak prescription, so an act of God would be needed to start a fire that way. They also, at the first chance, gorge themselves with hot fudgey fudge, killing themselves moments later.

However, it spelled the end of game shows precisely because it included discomfort instead of just embarrassment. This opened the floodgates. Game shows became more and more extreme over the ensuing decades. The amputation-game Who'll Lose A Leg was followed by Rape Your Granny!, Atrocity, and Atrocity II: Baby-eaters, Rape your Granny: Atrocity Idol.

The end came with the election of Pope Blind Willy. Realizing that excommunication would have little effect on television moguls, the Pope called on Jesus to inflict the torment of Hell on them right away instead of waiting for their death and damnation, which was only two-months away anyway.

This was recorded and later televised as Devil-May-Care: The Final Agony.

[edit] List of People Named David Who Have Been Raped on Survivor

• Ur Moma
• David
• David Schwimmer
• David Arquette
• Craig David
• Craig Slater
• David Letterman
• David Perry
• David Lynch
• Elton (David) John
• David Byrne
• David's Mother
• Dick van David
• David Copperfield
• David Blaine
• David Bowie
• David Duchovny
• that friggin' stop-motion, Goliath-ownin' piece of plasticine
• David sgottatinkl

[edit] List of contestants who have done it together on survivor (videoed beautifully)

• Richard Hatch and Susan Hawk
• Rudy Boesh and Colleen Haskell
• Rudy Boesh and Elisabeth Hasselback
• Rudy Boesh and Jerri Manthey
• Rudy Boesh and Rudy Boesh
• Kenny Rogers and Rosie O'Donnell

[edit] Survivor : Death Row Edition

After the ratings flop that was the first Survivor producers desperately tried to regain audiences by picking 16 American inmates on death row giving them a chance to compete for their freedom. In this edition, rather than coddling the contestents with medical attention or food and water, the producers made this edition all about hard core survival.

After every three days, if one contestant had not died off by natural causes or otherwise, those remaining would have to attend Tribal Council where they would be forced to vote one of their own todead. As a trick for each votes the producers pretended it was a private ballot and in each case they would then read out the votes along with the person who cast them. They would fall for the joke every single time.

Still not enough drama, the producers added another twist. As the death inmates got closer and closer to their freedom, the deaths became more and more horrific. The first castaway voted dead was merely shot in the head and died instantly. The second one received two shots in the gut and was left for death. Later deaths included burial, stake burings and induced suicide. Sometimes challenges determined eliminations including memorable rounds such as musical electric chairs (you just don't know when and which one will go off), and catch the nickel dropped from a helicopter 15,000 feet above.

This television experiment was not repeated for several reasons. One being the disproportionate percentage of the 16 castaways being black which was frowned upon by the networks since it 'cut down on ratings'. Secondly there was the problem of determining the winner, since when reaching the final two the producers had accidentally killed the previous seven castaways and thus were forced to flip a coin at the end to determine which goes free and which gets crucified. Many viewers were angered by this when Matthew Stefiuk walked free while alliance partner Mark Kalzer was crucified. Many fundamental groups also complained about the use of a crucifix as a final death.

Still the show did make every front page of every newspaper in the United States and gave its executive producer Norman Scott a name presence. He would later shoot a celebrity edition which has yet to air on TV.

[edit] Survivor: Death Row Deaths

• John Barley (3 days) - Shot once in the head. Pwned!
• Theresa Smith (6 days) - Shot twice in the chest and left for dead
• Mark Dorken (8 1/2 days) - Murdered by Jeff Thompson
• Jeff Thompson (9 days) - Disqualified for murdering Mark Dorken and sent back to jail. Later got death row sentence reduced to life in plea bargain agreement.
• Borris Day (11 days) - Eaten by alligator.
• Amanda Drudge (18 days) - Locked in a room with a TV stuck on tuned to Richard Simmons and a loaded gun. Lasted 71 hours.
• Dirk Brower (21 days) - Lost in Electric Musical Chairs challenge.
• Brent Chester (24 days) - Won reward challenge with reward of a skydiving trip. Was given a broken parachute by producers and thus plummtted to his death.
• Francis Down (27 days) - Eaten by remaining contestants.
• Jeff Plankton (30 days) - Burnt at stake.
• Kim Powers (33 days) - Won catch the nickel dropped from a helicopter 15,000 feet above challenge with fatal consequences.
• Doris Smith (36 days) - Eaten by himself.
• Frederick Stewert (37 days) - Picked the iron maiden seat at Tribal Council by accident.
• Dan Patrick (38 days) - Buried alive, presumed dead by now.
• Mark Kalzer (39 days) - Finished second. Picked heads at final tribal council and was crucified.
• Matthew Stefiuk (39 days) - Winner! Immediatly booked a flight to Madrid, but was mysteriously lost at sea and he was killed by Locke who hates reality television shows.

[edit] Survivor: Celebrity Edition

see main article: Survivor: Celebirty Edition

[edit] Survivor: Detroit

One of the most popular Survivor seasons, with well over 850 million viewers. However, it was canceled after episode two due to the fact that all the tribe members and over half the crew were killed, beaten, shot, stabbed, etc...