Swamp Thing
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“The was this one time, when I was in this cave or something, and there was a load of tentacles trying to kill me, and I thought i was in Hentai or something, but it turned out it was just Jimmy Carr trying to take over the world once more. We sorted him out but Swamp Thing had to give up his soul, which was a bit of a bummer!.”
— John Constantine on Swamp Thing
Swamp Thing, or Mr. Thing as he prefers to be called, is currently the ambassador of New Orleans. It is rumored that in 2009, he plans to run for mayor of Philadelphia under the Conservative-Liberal Green-Reform Party.
[edit] Creation
Swamp Thing was accidentally created in a laboratory located in Louisiana by Alan Moore as he was trying to summon a Guy Fawkes mask. His parents, Homer and Marge Thing dumped a vat of chlorophyll into toxic waste, which fused together into a giant green monster which brought joy to priests and rabbis alike.
Swamp Thins had no formal education, as he lived his entire life in the swamp to hide from would-be thugs. Using his ablilty to manipulate any form of plant life, Swamp Thing built and entire condominium from tree bark and beetle dung. This house of his was later renamed "The Little House on the Swamp", with such frequent guests as Michael Landon and Lou Ferrigno. It's even rumored that Swamp Thing converted The Little House on the Swamp into a cheap New Orleans whore house called "House of the Rising Sun".
Swamp Thing's archenemy is Louis Jordan, an African American blues singer who has sued Swamp Thing for infringement of copyright on Jordan's classic song "Is you is or is you aint my baby?"
[edit] TV career
Swamp Thing's big break was on the Dick Cavett show in 1974, alog with special guests C-3PO, Ringo Starr and Marlon Brando. Lorne Michaels spotted Mr. Thing's obvious talent, and subsequently recruited him as a regular star on Saturday Night Live. However, personal conflicts between Swamp Thing and Dan Akyroyd caused Mr. Thing to quit, and begin work for Sesame Street.
On the set of Sesame Street, Swamp Thing developed an unauthorized romantic relationship with Big Bird. Contrary to their written contracts, the two were married in a Hawaiian courthouse on November 12, 1981. They had three kids total: Cher Thing, Shaq Thing and Garfunkle Thing. Swamp Thing and Big Bird started a comedy variety show similar to Sonny & Cher, but it was cancelled within five episodes, due to piss-poor ratings. Since the cancellation of his show, Swamp Thing left the television business and moved on the drive monster trucks for kids' charities.
[edit] Today
Swamp Thing and Big Bird filed for divorce in 2002, and their kids were sold into slavery as per request of the Mexican mafia. Although he still drives monster trucks, Mr. Thing devotes most of his time to painting pictures of racoons, watching Tron and helping to rehabilitate youth gangs.
