Swedish language
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Fuck that's a messed language.”
~ Jason on Swedish Language
“My bum is on the Swedish. Sweeeedish.”
~ Tom Green on Swedish
Swedish language is a minority language of Sweden spoken only by Saint Petrus Bistertafel. It is generally considered unsound and a point of controversy for the habitants of Sweden as well as the users on Wikipedia. It's also said to be the ugliest language ever ffs. The official languages of Sweden are naturally bork, Finland-Swedish and the Scanian language. BORK BORK
Contents |
[edit] En/Ett
When August Strindberg created Swedish, he decided to add two neutral genders of pure evil. The indirect articles of those are "en" and "ett". When you say a Swedish noun, you HAVE to know wether you should use "en" or "ett". Otherwise, you are classified as a retarded hippo. The tricky part is that there is no rational way of telling what word you should use. This enforces you to learn every swedish substantive by agonizing night long studies.
For example:
You say :Ett drink? (An drink?)
The swedish girl answers: MEN GÅ OCH DÖ JÄVLA NEGER!! (Drop dead you fucking yankee!)
You say: En drink (A drink?)
She answers: OK då. Knulla? (Yeah thanks. Do you want to follow me home afterwards?)
Historically, it is known that "en" and "ett" originate from a gender system similar to German. In Viking-age Old Swedish, there were four genders: man, woman, castrate and gay. These were merged to just en "transsexual/androgynous" and ett "gay neuter".
[edit] Prosody
The prosody of the Swedish language is marked by a diffused use of the sje-sound, a sound not used in any other language, and allegedly so diffused it is not even used in the Swedish language. In any case, the definition of the sje-sound is yet to be decided, so far the only conclusion drawn is that it is hard to pronounce. Partly so because it is undefined. See, for example, Ladefoged for a longer discussion on whether the sje-sound should be wholly eliminated from the modern language or not.
Unusually, all syllables are stressed. This is quite natural because every Swedish speaker naturally assumes that everything he says is important and should be stressed; also, all syllables are equally important and none should be discriminated against. Also, the tone of every other second syllable is low, almost growling, while each other syllable is high, in the castrate frequency band. The higher the variation, the more manly it sounds. Swedish speakers deny that this would sound funny, except in Finland-Swedish, where no tones are used. In other words, Swedish sounds like Norwegian spoken by a Thai with a Hindi accent who was raised in Germany, with lots of tongue-rolling. And ABBA.
[edit] Grammatical Features
Swedish grammar was first described in the Tolkappiyam, an ancient manual of the Tamil language, that dates from the 1997AD when Ulrika Jonsson was imported to Britain.
Swedish distinguishes two genders, that is 'good' and 'bad.' Most nouns not agreeing with the current Prime Minister are marked as bad, while those who agree are marked as good. Thus a speaker of Swedish has to re-learn what gender belongs to what noun every now and then.
'Bad' nouns takes the suffix -evil while 'good' nouns take the suffix -nice. Plural in Swedish is formed by adding über- to the word. For example, übersocialdemokratevil means "Social Democrats".
Swedish verbs are discriminated by the Current Head of Sentence, and thus, they're all marked with the insulting suffix -a. What actually happens when a verb is conjugated is that it rises and fights the rest of the sentence, taking on the ending -bruce lee. To form the future or the past tense, simply put gissa vad before the noun (it means "guess what").
[edit] Phrases in Swedish
- "Ja just det" = Yeah, right!
- "Spelar roll" = Whatever.
- "Bögen från Smögen han sög sig förmögen" = The gay from village Smögen sucked himself a fortune.
- "Farfar, får får får? Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm." = Paternal grandfather, do sheep have sheep? No sheep don't have sheep, sheep have lambs.
- "Vart tog vägen vägen? Vi åker på en åker." = Where did the road go? We are driving in a field.
- "Sex laxar i en vaxad laxask." = Six salmons in a waxed salmon box.
- " Jättebra!! " "Vad sa du" are two common phrases that yet contains half of Swedish. It is interesting how Swedish use this "Vad sa du" which means "What the hell are you talking about" so often. As we know phrases give the culture of nations, one can easily understand how Swedes can not understand eachother, and since they do not understand each at all, finally they are getting tired of asking "Vad sa du" ,the easy way is to use "Jättebraaa" which means , "I have no idea about what you are talking about but as I am Swedish I have to agree". oh by the way , 'Precis!! is also a common word for Sweds, for the same reasons above.
- I åa ä e ö, o i öa ä e å = On a river is an island, and on the island is a river
- Sju söta sjösjuka sjuksköterskor seglar med segelskepp till Shanghaj = Seven cute seasick nurses sail on a sailship to Shanghai
- Sex svenska fiskebåtar. Six Swedish fishing boats.
[edit] Other useful phrases
- Förstör alla robotar! = Destroy all robots!
- Vad hände medan vi sov? = What happened while we slept?
- Får jag slicka ditt sår? = May I lick your wound?
- Jag har en rutten fågel i väskan så jag alltid kan känna lukten av död. = I have a rotten bird in my bag so I always can smell the scent of death.
- Vi skall överkomma, ty Gud är på vår sida. = We shall overcome, for God is on our side.
- Nej, apor är inte blåa, men jag har en säl. =No, monkeys are not blue, but I have got a seal.
- Våran flotta är snart funktionsduglig. = Our fleet will soon be operational.
- Du är inte inloggad, överväg att registrera ett konto om du inte vill att din IP-adress ska loggas i den här sidans ändringshistorik. = You are not logged in, consider registering for an account. If you don't, your IP address will be recorded in this page's edit history.
- Jag tvättar mig själv med en trasa på en pinne. = I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
- Hunden är i ugnen. = The dog is in the oven.
- Stanna annars skjuter jag! = Stop or I'll shoot!
- Här stannar vi och röker tobak. = Let's stop to smoke some tobacco.
- Du är för dålig för att kasta sten. = You are too bad to throw rock.
- Åh nej, inte Sagan om de Bannlysta! = Oh no, not the Tale about the Banned!
- Läderlappen = The Leather Patch
[edit] An Example of Swedish
This is the first part of a Swedish folk tale.
Vi går och slåss mot tomtar som har invaderat vårt kära hemland. Men gissa vad, nu ska vi slakta kossor.
Which has the following literal translation:
We go and fight gnomes who have invaded our dear home country. But guess what, now shall we slaughter cows.
[edit] "Din mamma"
"Din mamma" is the loveliest compliment you can give to a Swede. The translation would be:
"I love you so much but I shouldn't thank you for being like you are, I should thank your mother and I say this to transfer my love to her."
[edit] Och
The most stupid way of spelling a word in the whole universe is the way of spelling "och", meaning "and". Pronounced slowly, it is like Ock, as in Dock Ock. But many times it is ALWAYS pronunced oi. Like... the second part of "boy". Or how about the gruesome super villain Boy Toy? You might just say OI. GOT IT!?
The most usual cause of death in Sweden is suicide by over-contenplating about WHY THE HELL "OCH" IS SPELLED THE WAY IT IS! I CAN'T STAND THIS! IT'S... WAAAAARGHH! *eat dynamite*
Why even bother? There is no chance that you will EVER learn how to pronunce any of the Swedish words.
However, in scotland, "och" is said in normal day-to-day speech,
Like
"Och, i met this braw lad the other day"
meaning,
"Och, i met this fine boy(man) a day different from this one"
or in Swedish,
"Öhh, jag träffade nån nisse på annandaden."
But the defination of this use of "Och" is untranslatable. And you cannot start a sentance with "And"
[edit] Swedish Language variants
There is an old Swedish language called überdalmålevil. It follows a distinguished pattern:
Bork! BORK! bork bork bork.... BORK! BORK BORK! [...]
It should be noted that the überdalmålevil is speaked with enormous tone-variation. Impossible to understand if you are not aboriginal.
There is an ugly swedish language called stockholmskafuckno.
"MMMMMMMNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFRRRRRRRRRRRRPFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"
Also there is a variant called Skånskaevil:
ARUELERÖLERUELELELERÖRÖRÖRÖRÖ! ARULERULERUU! RÖRÖRÖRÖRÖ! HÖWÖWÖRÖHÖRÖWÖÖÄÖ! [...]
Sounding almost like a severely handicapped talking Klingon.
The Swedish spoken by the Swedish speaking Finns are only understood by the Swedish speaking Finns of Finland. This results in a misunderstanding what Swedish really is. As an example of the language:
HITCHE O HEDE JE SHE NAR O KVA HAND NU?
Note that only a Swedish speaking Finn would understand this. Please note though, it's pitch doesn't change from screaming to talking lowly every syllable, making it easier to listen. But not to understand.
[edit] Reference
- Giddens, Anthony Sociology, 2002
- Thatcher, M, How I Conquered Sweden and Other Stories of Success, 1996
- Sögaard, R, Don't Put Hair in my Food, 2001
