Swindon
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“Imagine, if you will, being bummed by a rabid bulldog with aids while it bites your crotch and shits all over you. Swindon's like that, only you probably wouldn't enjoy it as much.”
~ The Tourist Board on Swindon
“Now twinned with Kabul.”
~ Swindon's mayor
Swindon, known more familiarly as The Gateway to Hell, is a large roundabout in the British county of Wiltshire (or Wiltshite) in South-West England. It lies close to the busy M4 motorway, one of the most unpleasantly busy roads in the area. This proximity continues Swindon's historical association with rapid transport links, an association which is widely regarded as one of its prime advantages, allowing, as it does, rapid egress from the place in a wide array of directions. It is ruled, from space, by the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, and is twinned with Mordor.
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[edit] Antiquity
The Irrepresent tossers that fill this depressing town are quite frankly the scum of the earth (and i'm talking from experience.) and here is a quick walk-through guide on how to counteract these damned souls. First, if one of these stinky tramps approaches you in the streets, dont panic, just say a sentence that does not contain a swear word, or the word "init" and they will be stumped. So just stay calm, try and talk them out of it - whatever they are attempting to do, eg: "rob you up". "do your bitch". "tax you up real good". - all these are very avoidable situations. also seeing as all these "chavs" have avoided vitamins and decent energy sources, you can easily out run them. Remember, whoever you are (unless french), are better than anyone living in swindon.
During pre-Roman times the present site of Swindon is believed to have been part of a peat bog which occupied most of North Wiltshire. This goes a long way to explain its absence from the historical record.
The Romans drained the bog, built settlements, summoned the leaders of the local tribes, and told them (in Latin, of course) "Et nunc, reges, intelligite, erudimini, qui judicati terram", which roughly translates as: "Knah wha I mean?, Doin' me 'ed in, Look at my face, Awrigh mayte". As soon as the Romans were out of the way, the leaders reverted to the local customs of cider drinking and masturbation in front of images of local goddesses, and before long civilisation was nothing but a hungover memory. (Though a memory which persists to the present day.)
The first recognisable quasi-human settlement of which we have more than the foundations was built by refugees from Bath who scavenged the midden heap which had accumulated at the site. In fact the name Swindon is a corruption of "Swine Dun" or "Pig Hill", so named because later inhabitants, seeing the remnants of the crude buildings, believed them to be pigsties.
[edit] The Industrial Revolution
The fortunes of the town changed greatly during the Industrial Revolution as it was at the confluence of two major canals. These new avenues of travel brought in a higher class of itinerant wastrel, and the expanding population thrived on the ever-increasing quantities of waste which accumulated as a result.
The next chapter in the sordid tale of Swindon came when the pioneering venture capitalist Isengard Kingston-Blythe Balthazaar Brunel III chose it as the source of the unskilled labour force he needed to tear up the countryside in preparation for his new railway. Once Brunel fully appreciated the native wit and intelligence of the natives, he brought in immigrants from Ireland and Norfolk to increase the average IQ to the point at which he was able to built his locomotive engineering works. The quality of the work turned out at Swindon explained why, from the 1950s on, the British railway network functioned with trains that were able to run at half the speed of those on the Continent. The final locomotives turned out at Swindon were able to reach speeds in excess of 100MPH in a mere 5 seconds, provided the cliff was high enough.
[edit] The second industrial revolution
In the second Industrial Revolution, Soichiro Honda (Lifetime Mayor by Conquest) closed the Locomotive Works, turned out the entire workforce, and brought in a small army of humanoid Japanese robots to make motor cars on the site. This, with crack dealing and topless modelling, constitutes the main economic activity of modern Swindon.
[edit] C virus infestation
Worthy of note also is the rapid viral spread of the horrific C (chavism) virus that has within the last two years torn its way through swindon and the surrounding borough's,Although not fully understood how it was this mutant form of rabies came to be in swindon, it is believed it may have spread through sexual transmission originating in magpies, thus leading to the insatiable appetite for the shiny metallic objects that adorn the Alpha males in the populace.
Martial law up until three months ago had ensured the quarantine of the potent foreign mutation until calls from C virus infected lawyers and local mp's ensured a bill of chav rights, thus for the time being halting military aggression towards the infected.
Meanwhile all local schools have closed their doors to new students and immediate restrictions have been put into effect against contact between the uninfected and c virus positive individuals. Scientists are working now to determine resident goths immunity to the virus and it is believed these few individuals centered around blue banana may be humanity's last chance...
yes blud ima swindon gangster. haa dis site is wasteeeeeeeee. itz long man reppin WSY brap brap.
This is clearly an infectee of the C-Virus, the best method of ridding the virus is severe trauma to the neck or head.
[edit] Hidden treasures
However, visit Swindon and discover its many exciting tourist-oriented features, such as:
- The Exit*
- The Road Out of Swindon*
- The M4 - an opportunity to just keep driving by*
- Lack of Parking - less chance of being able to visit there*
- Haweli Indian Restaurant
- The evening parade of models and fashionistas
- Skilful football team - the skilful bit is such a hidden treasure, it is not worth looking for (shiteful would probably be a more apt adjective).
- Magic Roundabout
- The Swindon Republican Army
- Giant Turnips
- Scum
- Colourful local market traders with a constantly surprising range of business proposals.
- The town centre, with its colourful set days for different factions, such as the popular "emo friday" and "chav wednesday"
- The various kebab vans
- The Swindon Borough Council, which is just like the Spanish Government, who will take your privately owned land, just because it looks cool.
- The main library, which changes it's location every three weeks.
- The Orange Council Vans.
[edit] Areas
The local council have very helpfully ensured that the worst areas of Swindon all start with a 'P'. Pinehurst, Penhill, and Park North/South are fine examples of chav-run depressed areas of the city. These areas are to be avoided by the casual tourist at all costs.
[edit] Culture
One fascinating feature of hard core Swindonians is their ability to defend to the death any attack on their beloved Swindon. The local newspaper briefly ran a 'Swindon, and Proud Of It' campaign to encourage locals to 'wear the band' to represent all that is good about Swindon. The campaign has all but died, probably due to lack of support. Then again, it might just be that after thinking for a while on the good things about Swindon, the best thing anyone could come up with is "we aren't french".
