Swiss cheese
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- This article refers to Swiss cheese made in America. For Swiss Cheese made in Switzerland, see Cheeses of Switzerland
Discovered in 1283, Swiss Cheese is a rare and magical breed of cheese.
One of the 12 Fundamental Cheeses, Swiss cheese exists only in the most outer areas of the Universe due to its inherent instability around other cheeses.
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[edit] Birth Place
When Willem Dafoe was a child, he was paid 3$/ hour to cut holes in swiss cheese using safety scissors. It has recently been found to have originated from Kraft Processed Cheddar mixed with rubber, the one difference being the large number of holes contained within it. These holes were originally planned by Kraft as a money-making ploy. However, Kraft made an error in employing interdimensional space-worms to create said holes.
Space-worms, now well known for their magical properties, thus went about their business creating wormholes through the "Swiss cheese." However, unlike the majority of the worms' holes, wormholes created in areas of high Swiss cheese density remain open for many years. This is the main reason for the lack of recent human exploration to the outermost reaches of space.
It also explains why the Swiss have to have such excellent watches, and why large amounts of money keep mysteriously appearing in their banks.
Swiss cheese is the reason why Switzerland is now neutral in world politics.
One day, in the year 1894, the Swiss were enjoying a nice day of picnics, filled with normal, non-hole-filled cheese. However, they did not predict an ambush by a Venezuelan militia of Buddhists, who were allied with the Swiss rivals at the time, Antarctica. Thus, upon seeing the Swiss' finely massed cheeses, the militia took it upon themselves to put many holes in it, so that whenever the Swiss would look at the cheese, they would be turned off of war forever.
While most people believe that the holes formed in Swiss are caused by magic little gas bubbles, these people are hippies. If one of them confronts you over the orgins of Swiss cheese, it is in your best interest to contact local authorities.
Thus: Swiss cheese.
[edit] Communism Conspiracy Theory
A new up and coming theory of how Swiss Cheese acquires its holes was presented last year by a George Bush. The new theory is that "Swiss Cheese has holes because the Commies want it to!" Bush said this out of a personal dispute with the cheese, after it would not slice uniformly for his peanut butter and ham sandwich. This ploy encouraged thousands of Amerikans to routinely follow this line of thought, unable to see that they were clearly being controlled by their president. The result of this was a unanimous vote by Congress to declare Swiss Cheese unconstitutional and un-American. Critics of this decision point out that George Bush has had his share of unconstitutional rulings, but Bush's official response was that the Commies told him to. Honest.
Afterwards, the mole people got angery at Bush for hating swiss cheese. This, after all, is their favorite kind of cheese, most likely because it is filled with holes... and moles like holes. Because of this, they sentenced the president to 20 years of hard labour. Unfortunately, this never came to be, because all of Bush's brainwashed slaves got angry and filled in all the holes in the ground, thus trapping the mole people beneath the earth. There is a rumour that the mole people are planning a hostile take-over as we speak. This is just a rumor and not to be taken seriously. But the mole people are in fact real. Guess what chicken butt hahahaahahaha. and thats why there are holes in swiss cheese.:)
[edit] The Swiss Cheese Paradox
1 - Swiss cheese has holes. 2 - More Swiss cheese, more holes. 3 - The more holes there are, less cheese. 4 - Therefore, more cheese is less cheese.
Mind-boggling, isn't it?
[edit] Swiss cheese and the threat to US economic stability
![Frightening: United States Customs Officer demonstrates how the weapons could be used to bore holes in proper cheese [Fox News.]](/wiki/Image:Cheese-iron-demonstration.jpg)
Following closure and seizure of Al Qaeda terrorist cells' Swiss bank accounts, United States Federal Agents in 2003 uncovered alarming evidence of attempts to undermine America's efforts in The War Against Terror by importing into the USA fake Swiss cheese from foreign countries.
In remote farmsteads hidden in the Swiss Alps, ordinary cheeses were being drilled with holes so as to look like real Swiss cheese, to be imported into the USA for sale to unsuspecting US citizens.
According to FBI intelligence sources, the plot was uncovered at an early stage, before the fake product had reached major supermarket chains, and the remote farmsteads involved in the deception were promptly destroyed in a combined operation of the European Land Forces (Food Safety Inspectorate Division).
Reuters, United Press and other news agencies reported at the time that some of the fake cheese had already made its way onto the counters of delicatessens and other small high-street outlets, but the reports were later denied by Federal Authorities. In a joint statement issued by the FBI and the FDA, officials said: "US citizens can rest assured that thanks to the diligence of all Federal Agencies involved in The War Against Terror, the Swiss cheese they buy is a genuine American product, safe to eat, untouched by Frenchmen, and not contributing in any way to increases in the price of gasoline".
SHAMBOLIC MESS
[edit] Scientific studies disprove popular belief
A four-year study recently completed by post-doctorate Food Technologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has shown that contrary to popular belief, Swiss cheese does not have holes in it. Samples of Swiss cheese were collected over the four-year period from randomly-selected supermarkets and 7-ll stores across the USA and centrifugally separated in sealed chambers designed for analysis of moon rock, thus enabling the technologists to perform discrete quantitative studies on the yellow matter and the invisible, colourless matter (the so-called "holes" in popular nomenclature). Employing atomic weighing systems normally used to establish the mass of individual hydrogen electrons to an accuracy of <0.00000001%, they found that forty tons of Swiss cheese contained no holes at all.
[edit] Related Articles
 | The 12 Fundamental Cheeses | ||||
| Holy*
| Swiss
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| *Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese | |||||
| The 3 Noble Cheeses | |||||
| *Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta" | |||||
