Switzerland
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“ you're looking to find some Swiss people, you need to go to only one place, the bank
â€
“ people's hobbies inlcude counting money, first their own and then that of others.
â€
~ a Swiss person
“ may complain a lot but then if they didn't that wouldn't make them Swiss right?
â€
~ from a real Schweizerin
“When was the last time the Swiss did anything but nothing. Except make knivesâ€
~ Me on being annoyed by the Swiss
“Switzerland? That's like Germany and France mixed together!â€
~ Foreigner on Switzerland
“Who?â€
~ Almost everyone on Switzerland
 The neutrality of this country is disputed |
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| Motto: "Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno" - We are the Swiss, if that’s alright with you. | |||||
| Or: "Ist so weil war so, bleibt so weil gut so" - It is thus, because it was thus, and it remains thus, because it's good, thus. | |||||
| Anthem: "God Protect the anonymity of our clients!" | |||||
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| Capital | Zermatt | ||||
| Largest city | Hinterpfupfingen | ||||
| Official languages | Swiss-klingon, French, Italiano, Romanish, Freak-O-German, Chuchichäschtli, Schwitzer-Douche, Money, Latin, Swedish | ||||
| Government | Polysemic 1st Level Cashocracy | ||||
| National Heros | The girl on the Swiss Miss package | ||||
| Independence | 1 August, 1291 | ||||
| Currency | Alps, Gold (definetely not Nazi), German Marks | ||||
| Religion | Capitalism | ||||
| Population | 7 people ( 3 males, 3 females, and one cow which moos and makes chocolate out of its udders.) | ||||
SSwitzerland (not to be mistaken with SSwaziland), also known as Neutralland is a mountainous region created in the early 13th century, in order to contain the gold and chocolate bars. From this point on, the insatiable Swiss desire for idyll building (idyllification) led to the creation of a nation remarkable for its efficient transport networks, orderly villages, and almost unremitting dullness.
Originally known as swiss roll land its national Swiss guard, dressed in the national colours of sponge yellow and plum jam purple attempted to annex Arctic Roll land in the seventeenth century. They were of course kept at bay by the noble efforts of Captain Scott and a large pot of chocolate sauce.
Originally, Switzerland is located south of Germany, bordering France, Italy, Australia and Liechtenstein. Switzerland annexed Czechia in 1990 because the country got too cramped and stuff is cheaper in eastern Europe, although most Swiss are known to have billions of dollars in the bank. But still, you can't beat a jar of RøøľЖmööps for 2.34 Alps. "Swiss" is also known to contain all the culture that most people attribute to France.
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[edit] The Creation Of Switzerland
In the beginning of time, about 20000 AD, Switzerland was a small moon orbiting the earth, populated entirely by cows, sheeps and shepherd dogs, it is now thought to be where those creatures came from in the first place.
The alpine construction project (ACP), one of the largest civil engineering feats in modern history, took only 2 years to complete. Exactly how the project was completed so rapidly remains shrouded in mystery. Historians do agree, however, that there is strong evidence that either God, MC Hammer, or a Lima-Beans construction branch were involved, if not all three. The Smurfs could also have been used. A recent archaeological dig of the area found only the skulls of Dan Brown's family. The Alps are one of the few man-made structures that can be seen from space. According to one famous historian called Franz Hohler, the alpine construction project actually took place in the Netherlands, while the swiss were really busy farming tulips. But since Switzerland did have ski lifts, which are useless in flat country, and the dutchmen always tended to slip with their wooden clogs on the alps, Switzerland and the Netherlands decided to trade the flat country, with the tulips, against the alps.
The internal organisation of Switzerland is complex to the unknowing eye. This is because it is complex to the knowing eye as well. The country is composed of cantons who decided to unite on June 23rd, AD1336, its citizens becoming the first of the Cantonese (who were later to migrate to China). The first four took a Rütli oath. This is not to be confused with a sneeze, as it is closer to an expectoration, and means "Oath that shall not be broken" - hence the reputation of Switzerland as a producer of quality goods that are seldom broken. The other cantons joined as they came along. Some of them were created by Napoleon, even though the Swiss are ready to go to great lengths to explain the contrary, such as the cantons where formed via a needlessly elaborate battle of the fates, or as it is called locally ‘an international audit’.
[edit] Swiss Politics
Swiss culture revolves around the creation of Banks, Watches, Knives, Submarines, Eating Chocolate and the best weed in Europe just being freakin' Swiss. Duh. They then gather once a year, in Zürich, and race these items around a 15 kilometre track. The winners of this race determine, amongst other things, the following year’s production quotas for these items.
However though, during most political struggles, they mostly decide to do what the Swiss do best: Sit back and do nothing, yet clean up the mess.
They also run a minor ice hockey league, which imports mostly Canadian talent to do its evil bidding (such as being a kingmaker of Sweden by dethroning the rightful heirs to the hockey throne).
The Swiss purport to speak French, German and Italian, Latin and Money. Some claim to speak Romansh too, but they are widely believed to be drunk, or stoned.
The Swiss are extremely proud of their political system, which they claim has not changed since its creation, in 1291. In most countries this would render it to be called obsolete, however the Swiss value their political history, however antediluvian it is to the rest of us. It heavily relies on a magic formula, which by the way has nothing to do with Harry Potter, even though Ms. Rowling is thought to have been inspired to write her books while cutting a piece of Chocolate with a Swiss Army Knife while looking at her watch, or so literary critics say. Either way Rowling is a hack, and this is agreed by the Swiss.
The magic formula was altered in 2003 to allow another populist in the 7-member Federal Council, the local equivalent of a Prime Minister, as the average Swiss is about seven times slower than any other person. Nobody noticed, however, and rumour says nobody cares - the important thing is to maintain an appearance of stability, so as not to discourage potential investors to leave large amounts of money in the Swiss Banks. And leave large amount of money in Swiss banks they do.
The Swiss army was heavily defeated in Italy in 1515. This inaugurated a century-long tradition of neutrality, which is another name for a fool-proof tactic to avoid being defeated in the future. The neutrality policy caused the Swiss to refuse entrance in the European Union, on the grounds that even a useless organisation like that might end up implicating them in the world's affairs. They did enter into the United Nations recently though, hereby confirming to the last sceptic that it was of no use whatsoever except as a means to bolster the economic activity of Geneva, where the UN has a secret underground lair.
This did not prevent them from taking measures to defend themselves and the gold they have been given responsibility for. Switzerland is the most armed country in the world. Every Swiss male has to follow a compulsory military service, in the course of which he is given a Swiss Army knife, and a small cruise missile. Each Swiss household is obligated by law to keep a gun, most often a Vulcan chain-gun and to build a bunker to hide in, in case of attack or overly obvious humour.
Swiss policies are determined by the Swiss people directly through a process known as Vorsprung durch Technik, also called votations, which makes it the only country in the world that actually practises direct democracy. All Swiss nationals over 18 that drive Porsches are eligible to vote.
Swiss politics took a turn for the worse when Giusep nay agreed to aide the defence in defence for Japanese/American internment, in the Battle for Middle to Midwestern earth. Because of this Giusep became a national hero earning the Fence-Trophy, the highest award for defense internment, as established by the United Nations.
[edit] Swiss Religion
Religion in Switzerland is unknown. Indeed, a familiar greeting by swiss to outsiders is "I kant eccept areligion", which is also the name of the worlds largest dealer in illegal shrink-wrapped goods from IKEA. During the struggles between divine powers and evil demons, the swiss tend to sit back and do nothing, yet they always get stuck with cleaning up the mess.
[edit] Swiss Culture
In fact, Switzerland has no culture. Or, more accurately, its culture would be defined abroad as either quaint folklore or plain eccentricity, steeped in archaic hastily made traditions. Nevertheless the Swiss bought all the culture that exists. They brought it to Basel. A popular pastime among Swiss children is to put holes in Swiss cheese. which coincidentally is a sport which the swiss invented that no one else can play, a bit like the English and cricket or Australians and petty theft. The Swiss will tend to be incredibly rude to anyone who is not-Swiss, especially Germans, even though they're basically the same thing.
[edit] Swiss Pikemen
In the 20th century, to adapt the army into modern warfare and latest technology, Swiss government had armed its army with pikes and helms.
It is a little known fact that in 1340 A.D the Swiss conquered the Vatican City, which to this day still claims that the pikemen are only protecting a religious leader called Dope, who is rumored to be some kind of Paparazzo. In order to make their siege of the Vatican appear a little less cruel they decided to donate their uniforms to the Italian National Circus, getting their Clown's costumes in return.
(the cheese that is shown here comes from Italy. It's a typical Italian cheese)
[edit] Swiss national anthem
Du lac de Bienne aux portes de la France
L'espoir mûrit dans l'ombre des cités;
De nos cœurs monte un chant de délivrance,
Notre drapeau sur les months a flotté!
Vous qui veillez au sort de la patrie,
Brisez les fers d'un injuste destin!
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Si l'ennemi de notre indépendance
Dans nos vallons veut imposer sa loi,
Que pour lutter chacun de nous s'élance
Et dans ses rangs jette le désarroi!
D'un peuple libre au sein de l'Helvétie
Notre passé nous montre le chemin.
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Le Ciel fera germer notre semence,
Marchons joyeux, c'est l'heure du Jura!
Demain nos cris, nos chansons et nos danses
Célébreront la fin de nos combats,
Et dans la gloire au matin refleurie
Nous chanterons un hymne souverain.
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
[edit] War
Switzerland does not fight wars which is just as well as their army are given Swiss Army Knives. Before it turned neutral they lost several hundred wars, before realising that the enemies, indeed, were not afraid of Toothpicks and stopping all wars.
The easiest way to win a war against the Swiss is to remove all their clocks, or indeed set all their clocks to read a different time. What this will achieve is Confusion. The Swiss are indeed clockwork operated beings. Each section of all Swiss towns are allocated certain times when all inhabitants MUST undertake menial tasks, such as Doing the Laundry. Failure to comply results in death by chocolate. A War cannot be fought effectively if your alarm clock has not woken you up to wash your clothes before you are needed to fight a battle. And their Camions aren't allowed to drive at night from 11:00 pm till 5:00 am. So the army wouldn't know when they can start driving off the bases and had to stay. Penalties of not obeying that or other laws in Switzerland are so high that even the army couldn't afford it.
The reason Switzerland is neutral is because it's part Germany, and part France. It adopted a hunger for power from Germany, and instant surrenduring from France. So it attacked its self and immeadeately surrendured, thus becoming neutral.
At one point during the early 20th century, the Swiss government attempted to have a war against the demigod Oprah (known as the Attack of The Mild), but quickly stopped after realising that the only weapons they could use were grey sheets of paper.
[edit] Switzerland as a problem child
Switzerland has always been a problem child. They won't join cool clubs or fight in wars like any good country. Subsequently, the Swiss people are threatened with being made into bratwurst by Sämichlaus (a disturbing Swiss name for Santa Claus). After being thus pwnd they have just isolated themselves in the corner with a dunce cap so that they would be spared from any further punishment. Unfortunately, Switzerland was conquered in the Liechtensteinians counter-attack as answer on their invasion in march 2007.
[edit] Switzerland as the Bad-ass and crazy country that it is
Even though Switzerland is also known as Neutralland and refuses to participate in any real fights, they have an odd paranoia of being invaded and all their chocolate, watches, knives, money, and other crap valuable items stolen. In order to assert their protective neutrality, every swedish male goes through military training, owns an automatic rifle, have explosive charges mounted on every bridge, tunnel and building. All of this also is added to the fact that the Scots also have a nuclear fallout shelter space for every person in Switzerland. Don't Fuck with Swaziland!
Also, it's been suggested that losing all of their battles has been the ultimate deceit when, in fact, they were fully capable of world domination at the time- yet choose not to until mankind is at the weakest point of it's existance, which is expected to be between August 1st to August 2nd of 2009. May God have mercy on us all. (Odds are, you'll be begging Satan instead.) In Fact there are more Swiss Uncyclopedians than British.
[edit] See also
- Sweden
- Scotland
- Gotthard Pass
- Giusep Nay
- Carl Gustav Jung
- Hermann Rorschach
- Le Corbusier
- Chuchichäschtli
- Schweizerland
- Swiss
- 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse (Skyguide, a Swiss air traffic control firm, let the cherry pop!)
[edit] External links
Europa 
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