Sword
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“You have my sword”
“In Soviet Russia, sword is mightier than pen”
~ Russian Reversal on swords and pen
The sword is a long and pointy object with several uses: swallowing, waving around the head while roaring, sitting on with a pained expression on the face, stabing people and holding together a delicious sammich. Known to the ancient Greeks as Bread Kutte (Βρεαδ Κυττη), these long and pointy objects were first used during the Napoleonic Pancake Wars of 1132 BCE.
Swords are also mammals, and need to regualrly consume flesh and/or blood to stay at their highest effectivness. Certain swords have gone beyond this level and they are reduced to eating other swords. See Sephiroth.
Swords have improved over the years, but have, however, never beaten their greatest competitor, the pen, which has remained to this day, far mightier. Newer, and more modern techniques of swordsmithing have allowed them to start slicing more then just bread. The invention of steel improved the durabilty of these weapons, as they were previously forged from yarn, peanut-brittle, or cardboard in some cases. Steel also allowed them to cut into Fruitcake more effectively.
The invention of the crossguard was perhaps the greatest improvement to the swords design. Not that it protected the user's fingers during combat, but because you could then use the sword to hang your helmet and lunch bag on while you used the latrine. Having to take either your helmet or lunch bag into the latrine with you was a particular annoyance among sword-wielding people.
The ginzu knife made swords obsolete during the Can Invasion of 1993. The ginvu knives could cut right through cans in seconds, while it took swords several minutes to do the same thing. Now swords are only commonly used as coatracks, and poor ones at that.
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[edit] Advantages
Besides its amazing bread cutting properties, swords have finally been shown to cut through grue flesh. However, because of the very nature of grue, you are probably already half-eaten by the time you realize a grue is even there, so this particular advantage of the sword is often overlooked. Swords can be swallowed by persons with a keen interest in gastro-phallic relations who also happen to posses a limber esophagus. Although ineffective against some things it is effectives against, Humans, Animals, Plants, Demons (so long as its a Holy Sword or something), Vampires (Again, Holy Sword or while they're sleeping) and people with a gun with no bullets. If they have bullets use a gun.
Swords are also often considered the best way to rid one of a backscratch.
[edit] Disadvantages
Unless one is a Vampire, the sword is usually an ineffective weapon against the traditional zombie or general undead minion. For those jobs a shotgun or chainsaw is a general first pick weapon. Also, against Jedi or ninjas the sword is inferior due to the pure ownage of lightsaber (or even heavysaber) and bare hands. However, as an all around weapon the sword still manages to whoop ass in comparison to the less-effective rubber chicken and limp, wet, noodle.
Swords are also terribly ineffective against guns. Any idiot that pulls a sword in a fight will likely be shot repeatedly until dead, then the shooter will reload and call the police. Long story short: Always bring a gun to a sword fight. But it should be noted, although it's ineffective against guns (and especially tanks), they are somewhat effective against the guy holding it. Especially if they are bread-based.
[edit] General Advice
When using a sword it is advised not to stick it through ones head as that will (as known to the state of California) kill you. It is also not the best tool for picking of ones teeth or the cleaning of ones armpits. And remember, Never bring a sword to a gunfight and those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
[edit] Summary
Basically, a sword can kill your face! But as noted above you can cut up a grue with sword. But not advised for n00bs because it'll eat your face! If you get eaten by a grue don't say i didn't warn you- oh wait you'll be dead! Your mom has also been known to carry dual katanas (it's a sword dumbass) in her rolls. Not because she uses it, because she lost a few ninjas in there(somewhere).
[edit] Swords
I'm sure you'll agree with me that the last person to edit this was a jerk, and a disgrace to humanity for creating such a terrible article (the one in the box) on the subject of swords, especially as Oscar Wilde was reported as saying "Swords deserve more respect than a large flaming pig heading in your direction". I therefore have decided to enlighten the world as a whole on the subject of swords.
[edit] The Physical Sword
- I'm sure you're all aware just how pointy some swords can be, foils (thes reallys thins sheets ofs metals yous wraps foods ins) especially. If you didn't already know that, you're a bit of a fool. Swords can be really pointy, just so you know. Agreed (that's right, I'm agreeing with the above jerk, but only on this one thing), swords can be used for stabbing, but, generally speaking, their primary use is for cleaving limbs/heads etc. and cutting ropes to drop a chandelier, trapping your opponent. This is why the generic sword has sharp edges, all the better for cutting through flesh/sinew/bone/nylon with. This sharp edge is usually sharpened by scraping the sword against a conveniently placed stone for a few seconds, which gives an edge sharp enough to cut through even the toughest thighbone.
- Another (un)important part of the Physical Sword is the handle. This tends to be added to the base of sword for the user to grip. This is even though there is a perfectly good piece of metal at the base of the sword, and the handle adds extra weight. (It's as if people don't want their fingers slashed. Why the fuck not? Eejits.) This handle is usually decorated with shiny things that make the user feel more important.
It is also a pointy town on the outscirts of a rubbish tip in ireland
[edit] The Psychological Sword
- You may already be familiar with the physical properties of a sword, but I'm sure not many of you know that a sword also has thoughts and a wide variety of emotions, emotions such as anger, rage, wrath, fury, choler, and hatred. The typical sword tends to think about killing, maiming, death, harming, euthanasia and butterflies, because butterflies rock.
[edit] The Historical Sword
- Swords have had a good time through history, coming into existence millennia before the primates, living fairly peacefully and having a great time killing cute deer and other woodland animals, and then embedding itself in a tree for the night (they're scared of the dark). Then the monkeys started to find them. At first they were scared, but then they learned the thrill of being swiped through the air and hacking off the head of a buffalo. So they formed an allegiance with the monkeys, that the swords would help them make the dinosaurs extinct if the monkeys used only swords to kill the dinosaurs. And so World War 0.5 began, with the monkeys slowly but surely exterminating all dinosaurs all across Pangaea, the super continent created by the great volcano eruption of 1483. Soon all but a few of the dinosaurs had been killed, the rest wandering the plains of Pangaea, looking for any stranded monkeys they could maim. In 1574 The Asteroid hit, causing the mass extinction of July 1574, leaving only a few amoeba, from which all life today is descended, and a single sword. The lone sword lay on the scorched, barren earth and thought to himself 'what the fuck was that?'. He looked at the carnage around him and proceeded to create more swords using the method now only known to a handful of swords (not me, how the hell am I meant to know about sword reproduction?)
- In 1883 the first humans appeared and started to use the swords almost immediately to kill prey and other people in increasingly imaginative ways. In 1908 the first 'sword-swallowing' was performed, a horribly cruel act in which the sword is subjected to a torturous act of being placed down somebody's throat. If the sword is lucky, it'll be able to slice the person open from the inside, so escaping and killing a magician (a guy who does magic) in the process (we all know magicians are the source of all evil, why else would the keep rabbits and doves in their hats, and pull ribbons from their mouths, and make things disappear, and cut people in half, then put them back together again WHILE WE CAN'T SEE THEM? Plus they never ever ever talk, not even to say hello. Have you ever seen a magician talk? I THOUGHT NOT!) In 1926 the Sword Community performed a massive favour to humankind by forming an alliance with Margaret Thatcher and covertly slicing Adolf Hitler's head off in the middle of a press conference, at which point all the people in the front row picked up the headless corpse and paraded it around Washington DC, where the conference was being held.
“The best way to avoid a sword is to move out of the way”
~ Oscar Wilde on Swords
[edit] DANGER
DDS INFECTION LEVEL: High
The sword is a known carrier of the Decapitation Disease virus.
“Welcome to Corneria!”
~ Some Castle Guard on Swords
“I like them!”
~Fighter on Swords
S.uper W.eird O.orgasems R.unning D.etroit
[edit] The Sword in the Modern World
Despite all these fantastic, amusing and interesting aspects having a sword can benefit you in, the sword has become a piece of the past. As stated by the 'Iron Duke' of wellington at the invention of the cannon, "only girls fight with swords these days." This is very accuratly recreated in 'Blackadder the third'. This statement is infact true due to the invention of guns. Since the once powerful sword has become obsolete to the sheer might of firearms, the status of a sword-wielding worrier is now laughable. In ancient truthful legend, the Knights of the round table were handed their p51's on the promice that the Tompson m1a1 sub-machine gun could do the job more effectivly and more entertaining-ly. Rome's famous Colluseum, home of the gladiator, had to be closed due to extensive structural damage caused by bullets explaining its ruined state today.
some examples of guns defeating the sword in service include;
- Jesus and Moses used guns to fight off the romans
- The grim Reaper Trading in his trusty Sythe for a more trusty AK-47
- The 1945 British Election (how else could labour get in?)
- 1975 olympic fencing match between indiana jones and Durka-Mohamed in which the gun triumphed the whole competition
- Atilla the hun conquering Europe due to his army having m60's and the enemies having Swords.
In his speech delivered in 12BC Jesus Christ made a speech at an NRA meeting in which he said "The gun is a revolutionary tool. To prove how much i believe in its brilliance over the sword i will give my life on the cross for the gun ........... oh and some sins aswel i suppose"
Swords today are meerly collectors items for traditionalists who can't afford guns.
[edit] Trivia
- Used prominently by ninjas, samurai, knights, paladins, templar, or nerds who collect them.
- Come in two flavors; One and two-handed.
- Are utterly shite when faced with a gun
- Only girls fought with them after 1066
- Ninjas have recently (1800) given up the use of swords and began the deadly art of MP5K-SD (the one with the extended magazine available in black)
- Swords can also be used to digest, though unnaturally fat, Kirby.
- Swords hurt when you hit your self with the sharp side, I think I'm dying mum... what? is this thing still on?
[edit] See also
See also: katana, broadsword, slimsword, longsword, shortsword, Truesilver Champion.
