Sydney, Nova Scotia
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One of the shadiest and most known portions of Cape Breton, Sydney, Nova Scotia was once described as a "wretched hive of scum and villainy". Housing one of the world's most attractive landmarks, the "tar ponds" of Muggah Creek, the city and the surrounding Cape Breton Regional Municipality has been getting screwed up the ass by mainland Nova Scotia for more than 50 years. CBRM super hero, Mayor John Morgan, is in the process of suing the mainland for literally tens of millions of dollars which have been stolen from the residents of Sydney and surrounding areas. Along with the theft, the mainland has infected the residents with a highly contagious form of syphilis known as the Casino Nova Scotia. The Casino sits like a parasitic leech on George Street cheating little old ladies out of their pension cheques while serving up booze and addiction to anyone who walks through the door. The population of Sydney is around 500,000 and the Greater Cape Breton Area has approximately 3,000,000 residents who are pretty much starving to death because of mainland pirates and disease ridden mainland whores (see Liz Rigney on both counts).
The "law", as modern society knows it, does not exist in Sydney. Rather, there is only one person who upholds the law. A mysterious resident of the Ashby neighborhood, trained in many styles of combat and martial arts, upholds the law...sometimes. The rest of the time, he uses his superior skill with a blade to vandalize nature and intimidate children and adults alike. He is called the Sturg-dawg and the very name scares off criminals. He is often seen with his shady Arab friends, 'Shady guy' and 'Googly'
Sydney only has a single (legal) export: telemarketing. The ICT overlords operating out of Vulcan Avenue provide a steady stream of harassment to major parts of Canada and the United States.
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[edit] Nearby Cities
Sydney is located about 12 miles from the sprawling metropolis of Glace Bay and its suburbs of Reserve Mines and Dominion.
The #1 University in Canada, Colouring Book University (CBU), is located roughly halfway between Glace Bay and Sydney on the Glace Bay-Sydney expressway, a massive ten lane highway.
There is a gigantic international airport near the university. Over two million travelers pass through the David Dingwall International Airport every year.
Last year many celebrities such as Oompa Loompa #3, STEVE HOLT!, and Pat Robertson passed through.
Pat Robertson ,AKA God #2, declared Sydney to be heaven on earth and since then heaven has been relocated to the old Lingan Power Plant.
Jesus spends his days surfing at Dominion Beach. Don't fall in though Jesus, that's were all the dingeberries go!
About 10 miles to south of Sydney is the city of New Waterford. New Waterford is known for its high morals and high rate of teenage virginity and abstinence.
[edit] Attractions
Sydney is home to a wide variety of attractions such as the pristine Sydney Tar Ponds Nature Resort. Various species of small mammals, insects, and birds can be found at this beautiful natural landmark.
Sydney is home to the largest fiddle in the free world, which was created at a cost of $14 million. Its primary purpose is to distract tourists from the smell, however some have questioned whether this was a sound investment as there has never actually been a tourist in Sydney.
Sydney is home to a massive forum known as Centre 200. It is called Centre 200 because it can seat over 200,000 people. It hosts its own NHL team the Cape Breton Shithawks. The Shithawks have won the Stanley Cup 98 times since 2001.
Sydney is also home to a well known brewery called the Coke Ovens. It produces a fine dark beer known as Tar Pond Black. The official slogan of the company is "Anything can happen outta the Coke Ovens".
Sydney has a huge chain of pornography retail outlets set up across the city, known as Leather and Lace.
Future Grey Cup champions, the Cape Breton Unemployment of the Canadian Football League also play out of Sydney.
And last, but not least, Sydney is also home to The Kids Who Like Mudkipz
[edit] Local Talent
Sydney is comprised of a rather diverse music scene. From fiddles to Southen Rock, the "locals" scene continues to thrive with annual events such as Gobblefest and Stoned for the Holidays
[edit] Climate
Annual temperatures of around 30 degrees celcius, Sydney has a hot, dry climate similar to that of Glace Bay, summer lasts about 10 months of the year and the lowest temperature ever recorded in Sydney is 12 degrees celcius. Snow or frost has never been seen in Cape Breton.
[edit] Wildlife
Polar bears, kangaroos, tar ponds monsters, marmosets, tigons, ligers, walruses, leprechauns, hippos, bearded tits, black widow spiders, raccoons, unicorns, wooly mammoths, regular mammoths, sasquatch, sabre toothed tigers, orangutans, and neanderthals were all once plentiful in the Sydney area. However, due to very high animal unemployment rates, almost all of Sydney's wildlife have become addicted to prescription painkillers.
No one is quite sure where the critters were getting all the drugs from, however rumours persist that the ducks at Wentworth Park had a "special agreement" with local senior citizens. In any case, all of Cape Breton's wildlife has since been relocated to the Two Rivers Animal Correctional Facility (known locally as 2-Riv) and will receive treatment, food and water when the necessary funds become available.
Plant life native to Sydney includes elephant ears, marijuana, opium poppies, and the cocoa plant. The last three are commercially farmed throughout Cape Breton and have replaced coal as the backbone of the Island's economy.
[edit] See also
- Milk
- Glace Bay
- New Waterford
- Cape Breton
- John Morgan
- Battle of Sydney
- Colouring Book University
- Halifax
- Newfoundland and Labrador
