Syracuse
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[edit] The City
Syracuse is a city in Central New York. According to the U.S. Census, the city has a total population of 7 rich white males, while its metropolitan area has a population of 7,032,117,009 minorities and illegal Canadian immigrants. This makes for an eclectic mix of people and cultures. The name is derived Syracuse, Italy, which in turn is a contraction of "see 'er accuse," which in turn from the fact that women here always shift the blame towards the men.
The West Side consists of Colemans.
The East Side contains the roughest gangs and 'hoodlums' in the city. They can be identified by the bandanas hanging out of their pockets or off their heads. They spend most of their time on the sidewalk, smoking weed and trying to 'bag shorties' and 'catch licks.' The East side is renowned for endless road construction that never results in improved roads.
The South Side is similar to the East Side, with the addition of a long creek that provides 'thugs' with a place to dump bodies. This side of the city has been forgotten about by the rest of Syracuse.
The North Side is loaded with people trying desperately to keep their side of the city free from infiltration by the Carousel Maul. North Siders are found anywhere there is a Neighborhood Watch sign, and are fond of looking out of their windows and calling the police anytime someone walks past their car.
Syracuse is, by far, the most unpleasant city in New York during the winter months. Snow way! Syracuse is also a relatively large cardboard city; home to Solvay Paperboard and flooded with cardboard signs saying "I'm not gonna lie, I need a beer" and "Will pretend to be a Veteran for food", popular among hoboes down on that intersection near the Dinosaur Barbeque. If you let this city consume you, then you have a great chance of becoming one of these people. The best thing to do is create your own fun and build your 'alternate universe.'
[edit] History
Syracuse was originally Native American until 1766 when Jerimah Syracuse defeated the Native army of 80,000 with a rifle and a rusty pitchfork. He decided the build a homestead on the south shore of Onondaga Lake. Over time, Syracuse managed to have sex with most of the native population, creating a small city. The city was originally nicknamed "The Shit City", but misunderstood and written as "The Salt City" in official records. By 1830 the city was home to over 300 people, making it the third largest city in the United States. It was decided in 1831 that theErie Canal would run through the city of Syracuse. Syracuse would now proudly brag it was home to the world's second most useless waterway. In 1886, the city decided to begin an official "Fuck up Onondaga Lake Campaign". Over the next 100 years, Chemicals, Raw Sewage, Billy Fuccilo's Hair, and Hoffman Hotdogs were dumped into the lake. The Campaign was an overwhelming success. In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, Syracuse experienced an influx of Irish Immigrants, this would give city officials an excuse to turn upside down a traffic light in the Irish Neighborhood of Tipperary Hill, "just to fuck with everyone". The traffic light remains upside down to this day.
[edit] Other Stuffs
Syracuse is also mildly famous for the Empirical Expoop Center, directly underneath the city, which hosts the annual "Kind of Okay" New York State Fair!. It is reckoned Syracuse gets its signature smell from the large amounts of rotting Gianelli sausages, fried dough, and human feces left over by this sacred ritual. Syracuse was named after the original Syracuse, a city on the eastern coast of Sicily, Italy, which is probably 10 times cooler than this one, mostly because everyone there talks with an Italian accent and eats mad Italian ice, yo. A similarity of the two is the fact that they are both very salty. However the nightlife is great and you can see a fight anywhere in the downtown strip.
In 1886, the city decided to begin an official "Fuck up Onondaga Lake Campaign". Over the next 100 years, Chemicals, Raw Sewage, Billy Fuccilo's Hair, and Hoffman Hotdogs were dumped into the lake. The Campaign was an overwhelming success.
[edit] DestiNY USA
Syracuse is also home to many regional offices of the United States Government, such as the ever important main office of the Management of Malls built on Toxic Waste Dumps Comission or MOMBOTWDC. In 2000, MOMBOTWDC decided that they would sketch many pictures of a futuristic, insanely large, extensive, add-on to the current mall, I Don't Care-osel!. Although the drawings were very practical and realistic (the plans included 200 topless bars, a marina, a rocket launching pad, chairs with personalities, automatic bloomin onion makers, a really giant hair dryer, the National Scooby Doo museum, a moon base, jet packs for customers, complimentary foot massages, and a really big pile of steel), all that materialized was the giant pile of steel, which ended up being a safe place for childeren to play (minus rust poisoning). In the end, everyone was happy with project DenstiNY USA.
[edit] Smellacuse University
Home to Syracuse University, whose mascot is a big fruit named Otto. Strangely enough, this cute little citrus fruit does not sport any weapons or Viking helmets.
The University is home to College Football's first all mentally retarded team. Everyone on the team is mentally handicapped, including the coach. (See Syracuse vs. Iowa 10/2006) For a bunch of retards, they have a pretty impressive record.
Gerry McNamara, an SU ball player, is acclaimed for being the best overrated player the school has come across. McNamara, a native of Scranton, almost made a cameo appearance on The Office, but "was busy." Busy doing what, we don't know, possibly another auto dealer commercial or maybe being cut from a European team.
[edit] Shit!
On a more depressing note, Tom Cruise is a Syracuse native. And Richard Gere's parents live here. The Baldwins are also natives (from Crackmillus). On a bright note, Tom Kenny? No? Carmelo Anthony? Yeah...
[edit] Climate
Syracuse is also known to be the only place in the world with seven seasons, five of them being winter, one of them being melting season, and the last being that really shitty in between rain phase also known as road construction.
