Takeshi's Castle
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“Man that party was even better than Jesus'!”
~ Barney on one of Count Takeshi's parties
“IKE!!!”
~ Captain Tenneal on storming the castle
“Guys, seriously. Stop quoting me. I'm just some dead homo.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Takeshi's Castle
“Khun bhari maang!!!!!”
~ Random Japanese Contestant Girl after committing a mass genocide in India
Takeshi's Castle is the single Highest point on Earth. It is balanced on top of a giant elephant's trunk. Unfortunately this elephant likes to party and so is often drunk, as a result the Castle often sways randomly from side to side.
The castle is where the overlord Hello Kitty rules the earth from. However the Kitty does not live there as the smell is so bad. Instead, a housekeeper is employed called Mr Kitano. This housekeeper has an alter-ego called Count Takeshi.
The Count often holds highly sociable events at which David Hasselhoff, Barney, Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton, Nelson Mandela and an army of potato men are common guests.
If a person who is not invited approaches the foot of Takeshi's Castle, then they are pummeled by billions of turtles filled with super heated ball bearings which, upon collision, explode.
The contestants of the show are NOT on any type of drugs.....seriously, god promise!
[edit] The Japan Years
In 5000 A.D. The elephant that had supported the castle all those years finally died. Because a replacement could not be found (you just can't get the staff these days) the castle was moved, against the whole world's wishes, to Japan. Everything was OK until a stupid neighbor called Hayato Tani tried to visit a party at the castle un-invited. The security systems went off but, instead of getting the message and going away, he kept on trying.
Night after night, Tani got more and more people to try and 'storm' the castle. More security systems were added to no avail and at one point the count himself tried to stop the home invaders. The Japanese Government gave Hayato an honorary Generalship as long as he changed his surname to Lee for some strange reason that I am not willing to disclose. (C'mon; there's children watching!)
A local television station (that was, at the time, on Hitler's payroll) found out about the struggle and filmed a documentary on it. This documentary was sent back in time to when the castle was being built as a warning of the inevitable peril. They either took no notice or didn't have a DVD player and the Castle was built anyway only to be later eaten by a giant Squirrel just before the second apocalypse.
Years and years passes and the stalemate was still holding. But then the mighty Hello Kitty (forgotten about that, hadn't you?) finally realised what was happening and sent the scary scary big-footed monster generally referred to as Bigfoot to go and eat General Lee. The death was slow and painful and to this day the General's screams can still be heard coming from Bigfoot's belly.
That's it; the siege had ended and the story is over. Goodbye!
Right you are, Ken!
Categories: Stub | Japan | Television
