Tales of an Emo

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Tales of an Emo: Enterprising Male Orgasm Organism is an anonymous diary published in early 2003, written by a young male who suffers from emoism. Upon its publication, it caused a public outcry and much critical praise for its raw and edgy depiction of a youth who suffers from this disease. It has been nominated for the Golden Pultzer Prize four times in the past three years, and has received the award six times in all.

The Full text of the Diary can be found below.

Contents 1 Entry 1 2 Entry 2 3 Entry 3 4 Entry 4 5 Entry 5 6 Entry 666 7 Entry 7 8 Entry 8 9 Entry 9 10 Entry 10 11 Entry 11 12 Entry 12 13 Entry 13 14 Entry 14 15 Entry 15 16 Entry 16 17 Entry 17 18 Entry 18 19 Entry 19 20 Entry 20 21 Entry 21 22 Entry 22 23 Entry 23 24 Entry 24 25 Entry 25 26 Entry 26 27 Entry 27 28 Entry 28 29 Entry 29 30 Entry 30 31 Entry 31 32 Entry 32 33 Entry 33 34 Entry 34 35 Entry 35 36 Entry 36 37 Entry 37 38 Entry 38 39 Entry 39 40 Entry 40 41 Entry 41 42 Entry 42 43 Entry 43 44 Entry 44 45 Entry 45 46 Entry 46 47 Entry 47 48 Entry 48 49 Entry 49 50 Entry 50 51 Entry 51 52 Entry 52 53 Entry 53 54 Entry 54 55 Entry 55 56 Entry 56 57 Entry 57 58 Entry 58 59 Entry 59 60 Entry 60 61 Entry 61 62 Entry 62

[edit] Entry 1

Hi, I'm <deleted>, I'm bored now so I've decided to make my first entry.

I was listening to Simple Plan today. I got really depressed, so I cut myself. Man... that felt so good! It'll be hard to hide from my parents, but I'll manage...

[edit] Entry 2

My parents found out. I'm confined to my room, which has had everything sharp coated in safety foam. I'll never cut myself again... I am so stupid!

[edit] Entry 3

Now that a wrist-scab has developed, my writing style has changed dramatically... I ate some of the safety foam, it tasted real good. It has enabled me to lactate, and now I am 102% woman! Things feel good, I'm such a n00b!

[edit] Entry 4

Good eveing again! This wrist-scab is bugger, my writing style keeps changing! At least this time I found a pen.

I wish people would stop calling me an emo, because it's just so damn obvious I'm a GOTH. I've drawn a picture of how I put on my makeup: {Picture of a typical goth face}

Isn't it cool? I look like a real n0b

Anway, my Mum still hasn't found the condom that I stealthily hid under my calculator.

[edit] Entry 5

SHIT! I'm using my calculator right now! I hope my Mum doesn't find the CONDOM under my NONEXISTENT calculator. It's funny that I've suddenly taken to drawing, isn't it... (here's another picture!)

And now, dancing goth llamas!

I'm off to be vibrantly sullen again, someone told me I was fat...

[edit] Entry 666

Salâm! I am back and feeling better now that I've cut myself again and have grown another scab. The downside is that I have to use my pacer again because I was pleasuring myself with a pen in another hand, and I had a little...um...accident... anyway, long story short, Adam has my pants and I can't get them back. I was listening to S.O.D. and slitting my wrists when I realised that I was getting blood all over my Information Systems assignment. I stopped immediately and tried to find something to sponge the blood off the page. I eventually settled on one of Adrian's vintage latex Nazi understrings. The trouble was, he was still wearing it.

My mother came in my room earlier today, and she fully busted me downloading emo-pr0n. I tried lying, and told her I was working on my Information Systems assignment. She ten asked me why I wasn't wearing any pants. I told her it was because I was having copulation with girlfriend. She then beat me with a spoon. My nose hurts...

[edit] Entry 7

I don't really have a girlfriend. I don't know what you would call it but she is my hand. Her name is Bob

[edit] Entry 8

Note: the following entry is at best questionable in nature, and is widely regarded as being being a forgery.

Adrian is a master of Doom! Much work have we to do, children! Must sit down and now learn some hula-hoop.

Yes! Dylan is my homeboy, but Jesus is my pimp!

[edit] Entry 9

{Entry obscured beyond legibility by bloodstains.}

[edit] Entry 10

I'm feeling a little faint - I bled about 17.4ml of blood last time I cut my wrists open. But I think I'm going blind, I masturbated 32 times in 20 minutes last night. Oh, the full intensive beautiful blood -streaming orgasm...

[edit] Entry 11

I have 14!!!

And by that I mean millimetres. I'm jealous that Adrian is hung like a Spanish horse... or maybe a pony. Adam's is like a damn weed-whacker; he winds it up and he can fell small trees with it. I don't know what Severine has, but I hear girls don't have wangs! I don't believe it's not butter!.

[edit] Entry 12

{Note:Entries 12 and 13 are pictorial essays, and are unable to be shown at this time due to copyright restrictions.}

[edit] Entry 13

{Note:Entries 12 and 13 are pictorial essays, and are unable to be shown at this time due to copyright restrictions.}

[edit] Entry 14

I've been listing to a lot of emo music, like the band "Emo death to the Universe and Eternal pain, Sadness and Suffering to all" and "Black is the colour of my poisoned soul." They're fully awesome! They are depressed and black, like my wang!

[edit] Entry 15

My friend Adam is soooo cool; he is making a Christian death-metal band called the "DEATH CORPS" and he's going to play the electric BASS TRIANGLE and gong! I will play something too. I will listen totally to us because I'm emo.

[edit] Entry 16

Well, after a brief period of period pain, I'm back! And more emo than ever!

I've finally found out what a PENIS is! It's a wiggly appendage that some guys have on their wrist. I looked and I don't have one...

Ah well, I think I'll go and bone myself in my bedroom.

[edit] Entry 17

Would you like to see my "Rove McManus"? He is a good producer of the Milky White Milk. Seepage for the wih! Dylan has penal seepage! Adam has a penis in his ear! There's a leering hobo in my room! And stay out you meddling hobo!

[edit] Entry 18

I wish Dylan would truly love me! I don't have any friends, because I get too violent when I don't do very well at school. I got a 'C' in English today. So in retaliation to the normal's oppresion I took off my pants and put then on Dylan's head.

[edit] Entry 19

Adam caught me masturbating in public the other day (as a result of which I sprained my wrist and my writing style has changed) - and he made me do 100 "push-ups". The trampoline is making funny noises every time I jump on it, which is why I don't listen to Simple Plan anymore. The monkeys that live under my bed scare me when I try to sleep and make my covers wet... I only hope that my new Autumn to Ashes CD gets here soon, as my wrists are beginning to scab.

[edit] Entry 20

Richard Simmons is my total emo-idol. He's awesome, so fragrantly gay... I think I might be turning out, y'know, gay like him, I had sweaty bum-sex with a drunken Aboriginal I met in the park last night, he had already passed out, but it was still, y'know, sex...or maybe love. Unfortunately he had AIDS, so I had to lick Adrian's underpants to cure myself.

[edit] Entry 21

There's an abyss in my soul. Empty. {Note: Color changes to crimson red at this point} I changed my colour to red, the colour of sweet, sweet blood. But it's not black. Black, dark, bleakly empty. Like my soul. The abyss is suffocating me, and the militant voices in my head are so loud I can't hear myself scream, late at night. I cut myself in time to Simple Plan music. I also like Dashboard Confessional. I really feel their emotional distress and pain. I think I'll go cry myself to sleep. Later.

[edit] Entry 22

I'm back from my itty bitty nap. My teabags feel a little swollen. I'm going to go and alleviate the pressure by eating some cottage cheese. It reminds me of anal seepage, and cheesy discharge! I feel my mind taking over, but I just can't stop thinking about Severin's penis gash!

[edit] Entry 23

This pen is bleakly black, like my bleak soul. My soul is bleakly empty. Just like bleak lil me. No-one gets me. They all think I'm bleak and 'depressed'. Well, I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel like a million trillion weights are pressing down on my mind, suffocating me. No-one else gets me. They all look so happy. It makes me so sick and disgusted at all the 'normals'. They think I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy. They're the crazy ones. I'll show them - I'll show them all. They'll come crying to me and I'll just walk away because I know what true pain really feels like, I mean- you know- I've lost goldfish- been in deep, deep pain. I can still hear their last little bubbles surfacing. Oh the pain and horror of my past! No one has been through what I have.

[edit] Entry 24

Someone at school called me fat today. I'll show him. I've started starving. The sweet pain is cleansing. I'm down about 17 kilos because I like to cut parts of myself off to lose more weight more efficiently. No-one's ever gonna call me names again when I look all chic and full of glamour like a starving Etheopian child, it's, like, totally the look right now.

[edit] Entry 25

I killed a puppy today. I held it in my arms and looked into its cute, innocent eyes. They I snapped its neck over a period of fifteen minutes. It felt so good. Its whimpering sounded just like Dashboard Confessional I can't wait to do it to a person.

[edit] Entry 26

Penis.

[edit] Entry 27

I love listing to Dashboard Confessional and Simple Plan. They really feel my pain. Here's some lyrics of my favourite DC song:

"My soul is black and ethereal and so dark and emo,

It looks like a lobster that tried to rage and scream-o!"

Ah, such majesty. Such beauty. Such misery. Such deliberate beautiful pain.

[edit] Entry 28

I've been recently thinking of suicide. I mean, wouldn't it be good if I could sleep and never wake up? No-one will have to bother with me anymore. My life is a spiralling abyss of suckage anyway, I may as well fucking do it. I'll start by saying goodbye and giving my things away. I'm going to update my LiveJournal and MySpace, because there are lots of people who love catching up with what I'm doing as a person. Wait, who am I kidding. No-one likes me. They all hate me. They wish I wasn't around anymore. No-one listens or talks anymore. I'll kill myself. That'll show them. But they won't miss me. I'm so depressed...

[edit] Entry 29

Dashboard Confessional, Smashing Pumpkins and My Chemical Romance are my favourite bands. I love them o so much . They are soothingly black and dark like my tender soul. I touched someone's gash today, felt their axe-wound. It felt so good.

[edit] Entry 30

I've started listening to more emo. They really feel my pain. Sometimes, late at night, I turn Simple Plan way up loud so no-one hears me cutting myself.

[edit] Entry 31

I shoved my cheese into a ketchup bottle trying to pleasure myself today. Actually, I didn't use lube and now it's stuck... Crap...

[edit] Entry 32

"I'm a megahot level 18 Paladin with 17 charisma and 97 hit points. I can do 1D4 damage while wielding my Helm of Disintergration, as my level 5 half-elf mage wield's his +5 Holy Avenger".

"Paladins can't wield the Helm of Disintergration..."

"OK, then... I'm a black guy."

[edit] Entry 33

"Roly poly fish-heads are never seen drinking cappuccinos in Italian restaurants with oriental women."

[edit] Entry 34

{Diagram of the female anatomy}

[edit] Entry 35

Nice diagram, however the pencil work is a little shaky and too light, you should work on strengthening your pencil lines... or use a darker pencil, something darker than black.

[edit] Entry 36

The face.

[edit] Entry 37

This is totally not an excuse to turn the page.

[edit] Entry 38

Nope...

[edit] Entry 39

Oh, look at that, I'm Out Of Room. Better turn the page.

[edit] Entry 40

...now!

[edit] Entry 41

Whew. Shake your spear at Shakespeare."

[edit] Entry 42

...And I figured, 'ya either get busy tryin', or 'ya get busy dyin'... Why, right now I'm just sitting in my chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The walls are soft and spongy, like egg cakes, with yellow inside; like a twinkie.

Like a twinkie.

[edit] Entry 43

We like the pale lithe moon,

Cause it is close to us.

We like the moooooon,

But not as much as a spoon, coz that's more use for eating soup;

And a fork isn't very useful for that unless it has got many vegetables

And then you might be better off with a chop-stick,

Unlike the moon.

It is up in the sky.

It's up there very high,

But not as high as maybe dirigibles or zeppelins or lightbulbs!

And maybe clouds,

And puffins also I think maybe they go quite high too,

Maybe not as high as the moon,

Cause the moon is very high.

We all like the moon,

The moon is very useful everyone.

Everybody like the moon because it light up the sky at night and it lovely and it makes the tide go and we like it!

But not as much as cheese.

We really like cheese, we like zeppelins.

We really like them and we like kelps and we like moose and we like deer and we like marmots and we like all the fluffy animals,

We really like the moon.

[edit] Entry 44

Like the dark void from whence I was birthed, the scathing fires burn deep within my tender weeping soul. South Korea has Seoul, and so do I - in my pants. Life doesn't concern me, insofar as I can eat my wildest dreams. I am not scared anymore. The dark no longer frightens me, I embrace it. Eat me, my hidden darkness...

[edit] Entry 45

The darkness is suffocating. It taunts me, taunts me. Haunts me. I can't sleep... I'm so depressed. Please, end. it. for. me. Kill me now so I don't have to suffer this seething pain anymore. Nobody loves me, and I'm all alone. With the darkness, mercilessly taunting me, until one day. One day I'll rise up from the ashes of my tender soul and kill them all. They didn't see it... so I'll make them see it. They thought I was 'crazy', but I'm not crazy. I'm the only one who's not crazy. I'll show them. I'll show them all, and there will be nothing left, only me. And I will be alone, taunted and tormented. It's so cold... and I am so weak... Alone... in the darkness which haunts me; like a twinkie. Like a loving twinkie.

[edit] Entry 46

The depth has forsaken me into a void of Futon beds, Discrete mathematics and other emos like me. It shames me to admit to my failure as a tank, as I was not able to crawl over the hill like a snake in the desert sun - I was hardly able to hop on one leg through Northbridge like a drag queen on crack! Death will save me, death will offer me a paddle in my coffin in the sea... the deep dark and mysterious Adriatic Sea...

[edit] Entry 47

Oh, all the buildings are breaking down, like the emptiness in my PANTS! It is breathtaking how masochists flaggelate themselves by the fetid claws of Jodi. Death. DEATH! I want to solicit it for sex! If only I had a pet hamster, and Michael Jackson would just GO AWAY.

[edit] Entry 48

Hi there. I hope everyne reads this journal and loves me. But there's no chance of that. Nobody loves me. And nobody cares. If I were to die right now, nobody would even notice. That's just so so depressing. I wish I was dead. That way I could stop living this pitiful excuse for a failed life. No one gets me and my emotional intensity. I'm so out of control, nothing's right anymore. I'm going to cut myself to feel the cleansing, refreshing pain once more. I'm always in control when I cut. It's the only time I'm truly happy.

[edit] Entry 49

Simple Plan r0x0rs my s0x0rs. I really relate to them as emotional beings. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I turnd out to be schizophrenic. I could start referring to myself as 'we'. It'd make sense. I've often thought there's another part of me that does all the wrong things, and gets angry at people. He could be the source of all my many problems. I could blame him. It makes sense. I should try and get rid of him before it's too late. Maybe I can kill him. Maybe if I hurt myself enough he'll die. Die. Die and be dead. And if I haven't had enough, I'll cut, and burn, and maim, and mutilate the innocent, and their families; again, and again, and again, and on and on and on. YES! YES! I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD AND I...

I don't sleep. I don't dream. I don't live. I don't feel.

[edit] Entry 50

doctor gave me happy pills, don't work

[edit] Entry 51

I am addicted to angry masturbation.

I have taken to making neat goth kid pictures with the raisins mom thinks I like.

Also, I met another cutter today; Emma<3 is into the same things as me. I am going to show her may raisin pictures.

[edit] Entry 52

I think Emma really liked my raisin pictures because she showed them to her friend Lily who asked for my myspace.com URL! I hope she likes the extreme angle shot of my bangs!

My bangs look really shiny in that picture too:)

[edit] Entry 53

Bought a twelve pack of Slimfast today, mmm so good...

hola! je regrete, i forgot to add, i stole emma`s bra and wear it as underwear...

...everyday.

[edit] Entry 54

Hot soup!

Hot soup!

Stay home from school.

Hot soup!

[edit] Entry 55

My womble is quite friendly. Say hello, womble! He flurbled at me the other day, but my gardening gloves took care of that.

Say, did you know my womble is grey? He looks like a womble. He's slightly womble-ish.

He's wearing his duck, and so am I. Are you wearing your duck?

So, the other day I noticed my womble saying something about nostalgia. I realised that those were indeed good times, when women were seen and not heard; and children minded their own business. Or was that the other way around? I forget. But my womble was quite the insightful. Indeed, only yesterday he was relating to me his experiences with the shrew. Apparently, they were good friends but she didn't think they could go any further.

You know, my womble is quite friendly. Say hello, womble! He flurbled at me the other day, but my gardening gloves took care of that. I think I already said that. Must be all the flurbling. Note to self: Get new gardening gloves.

[edit] Entry 56

Herbet has a muffle. One time he turned into soup, and was sold at Burger King for the price of two pomegranates and a telephone cord.

At Burger King they deep fry stuff. Maybe shoelaces. I wonder what those plastic bits on the end of shoelaces are called? Maybe they'll deep fry them. Maybe they deep fry people's faces. Some people have weird faces. All green and crinkly. Money is green and crinkly. But carrots aren't. Maybe the carrots in my bed know that someone bought them with crinkly stuff.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Herbet. Him and his muffle, always flurbling around playing hopscotch and spin the bottle. I played that once. Heh. That sucked because no one did anything, because they were too afraid. At least there were pancakes. Where are the pancakes? I'm going to go have some tomorrow. But none for Herbet and his muffle. He's already a spoon.

So I think apparently I'm too obsessive... but there's no reason the fork and dog can't join in. Yesterday was awesome. I like tacos. But I don't like emos. Emo sounds like emu. Another bird that can't fly is a penguin. Heh. From now on I shall refer to emos as penguins. Hell, they look similar anyway. Maybe I can find a penguin with an emo fringe.

I should go on an adventure. But Herbet isn't coming, nor is his muffle.

[edit] Entry 57

No Give and Take. No Exchange of Thought. It gets you nowhere, particularly if the other person's tail is only just in sight for the second half of the conversation."

Nobody tells me. Nobody keeps me informed. I make it 17 days come Friday since anybody spoke to me

[edit] Entry 58

I saw Two guys with a bike tyre. It made me depressed.

[edit] Entry 59

What the fuck is up with Preps? Nobody understands me...

[edit] Entry 60

OMG! Emma<3 is such a bitch she told my mum about my cutting now i am going to kill her bitch whore >_< >_< >_< but i still love her <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

[edit] Entry 61

Mood: Apathetic

I'm noticing a disturbing trend at uni. Oh, did I mention I'm at uni now? The walls are limestone, which is yellow, which is the colour of the sun, which is in space, which is black and empty, like my soul. I'm studying computer science, which is about programming computers with numbers, because computers don't have feelings, unlike me.
Anyway, I'm noticing a disturbing trend at uni, which is that most people don't have penises - I looked at all their wrists and only Adam has a wiggly appendage there. His hat can talk, but he told me to disregard its advice. Just like people disregard me.

[edit] Entry 62

Mood: Uncaring

I've started wearing bracelets on my wrists so people don't notice my scars.
I got dumped by my 27th girlfriend today, and she told me to grow a penis.
But if I grow one, I won't be able to wear bracelets anymore.