Tampa Bay Rays
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“Hey, at least they're not the Mets!”
“In Soviet Russia, last place finish you”
~ Stalin on the Tampa Bay Rays
“I think they're the only team that hasn't overpaid me”
~ Alex Rodriguez on the Tampa Bay Rays
“They gave me a bad name.”
~ The Devil on the Tampa Bay Rays
“You're shitting me!”
~ A man who was in a coma since March on hearing the Tampa Bay Rays being in first place
In the mid 1990's, Sith Lord Bud Selig wanted to put an end to the million year Yankee/Red Sox war. Bud had run out of things to do after Wedge Antilles led the crack team into Japan on a mission to save the Milwaukee Brewers. Selig assigned his apprentice Steve Phillips (then General Manager of the New York Mets and current ESPN analyst) to find the solution for this task. Phillips came to the conclusion that a team other than the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox had to win the American League East. Bud Selig and Steve Phillips each decided to create their own team to accomplish this task. Phillips created the Arizona Diamondbacks while Bud Selig created the Tampa Bay Rays. New York Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca bet Bud Selig $25 million that it would be Steve's team that would end the war first. Bud took the bet, and then placed the Diamondbacks in the National League West to ensure it was impossible for them to win the AL East. This caused LoDuca's massive gambling debts. The Rays began playing Pro League Baseball in 1998.
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[edit] Early Team History
Owner Vince Naimoli decided that the Devil Rays would play baseball at Tropicana Field. Not long after the team first started playing ball, it was discovered that there were many various catwalks above the field. Naimoli then decided to create a team that was unable to ever hit the ball high enough to be interfered with by the catwalks. As the Rays forever downspiraled, Bud Selig felt betrayed by Naimoli. It didn't look like the Devil Rays would be winning the AL East anytime soon, so Selig felt betrayed.
The Sith Lord then constructed the fall of Enron and renamed Enron Field to Minute Maid Park. This began the Orange Juice Wars between the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (playing at Tropicana Field) and the Houston Astros. (playing at Minute Maid Park) The Orange Juice wars came to a close during the 2006 season. The Devil Rays surrendered after the Astros beat the pulp out of them, and as a token of their goodwill the Devil Rays traded Aubrey Huff to the Astros.
On June 6, 2778, The Devil rays finally fulfilled the prediction that they would end the million year Yankee/Red Sox war. They defeated the Chicago Cubs in an epic 4 game sweep. Upon hearing that the Devil Rays won the World Series, Chuck Norris committed suicide.
[edit] Tampa's Recipe for Success
- Step 1) Hire a bunch of old veterans to draw in fans. Make sure these veterans peaked in their careers 15 years ago
- Step 2) Stay out of the way of the million year Yankee/Red Sox war by staying in the bottom of the division
- Step 3) Make the Chicago Cubs look like a good baseball team
- Step 4) Keep the team payroll under $7.29
- Step 5) Every list needs a five
- Step 6) Try your best to look like a baseball team not a minor league hockey Team
[edit] Recent Ray's News
During the 2004 season, Bud Selig's frustrations with the Devil Rays continued. His apprentice foresaw his firing as the Mets GM so he used force persuasion on his assistant Jim Duquette. Phillips convinced Duquette to trade Scott Kazmir to the Devil Rays for Victor Zambrano. To complete Phillips' revenge, Zambrano's arm later fell off while pitching against the Atlanta Braves during the 2006 season. Kazmir has become the centerpiece of this pathetic Devil Ray team. In 2006, he attented his first all-star game. Steve Phillips predicts that in the 2007 season, Scott Kazmir will have a record of 60-2 with an era of -3. He'll win the cy young award and the MVP. The Devil Rays will finish the 2007 season with a record of 63-99, and will win 3 games that kazmir did not start. All 3 games will be against the Mets at Shea Stadium, and Kazmir will hit a pinch hit grand slam in all 3.
[edit] Famous Tampa Bay Rays
- José Canseco Joined the Devil Rays after he stopped taking steroids, and never accomplished anything in Tampa. Mewtwo seems to like him.
- Wade Boggs Once said he wanted to wear a Devil Rays cap when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame. After fighting on both sides in the million year Yankee/Red Sox war, he just wanted to stay neutral
- Fred McGriff Not to be confused with McGruff
- Scott Kazmir Just like Nolan Ryan, he came up through the Mets farm system and was traded for virtually nothing
- Greg Vaughn He was half the man Mo Vaughn was. Literally
- Lou Pinella Once got into an argument with an umpire over whether or not gravity exists. He also was Alex Rodriguez's shoulder to cry on when the New York Media said such nice things about A-Rod that it brought him to tears. Happy tears
- Rocco Baldelli Is probably on the disabled list
[edit] Soriano's Prediction
It was forseen by Alfonso Soriano that the million year Yankee/Red Sox war would end when a team from Tampa Bay finally won the world series. Once Bud Selig heard of this prediction, he confronted his apprentice Steve Phillips on the issue. Once finding out that it was the World Series the Devil Rays needed to win and not the AL East, he forever banished Phillips to the studios of Baseball tonight where he has to sit next to Orel Hershiser and John Kruk for all eternity.
| Pro League Baseball | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| AC | Northeast | Midwest | Pacific |
| Baltimore Orioles | Chicago White Sox | Los Angeles Angels | |
| Boston Red Sox | Cleveland Indians | Oakland Athletics | |
| New York Yankees | Detroit Tigers | Seattle Mariners | |
| Tampa Bay Devil Rays | Kansas City Royals | Texas Rangers | |
| Toronto Blue Jays | Minnesota Twins | ||
| NC | Atlantic Coast | Redneck | Far West |
| Atlanta Braves | Chicago Cubs | Arizona Diamondbacks | |
| Florida Marlins | Cincinnati Reds | Colorado Rockies | |
| New York Mets | Houston Astros | Los Angeles Dodgers | |
| Philadelphia Phillies | Milwaukee Brewers | San Diego Padres | |
| Washington Nationals | Pittsburgh Pirates | San Francisco Giants | |
| St. Louis Cardinals | |||
